Project Runway Threads S1E1: "Red Carpet"

Previously on Project Runway Behind the Scenes

Int. Lifetime Networks

Lifetime: What the hell is going on, Weinstein?

Weinstein: What do you mean? We won an Emmy!

Lifetime: You gave us Under the Gunn. That show was a bomb.

Weinstein: We admit, the ratings were a bit lackluster.

Lifetime: A BIT?! The finale had fewer viewers than reruns of Full House on Nickelodeon!

Weinstein: Well, that does have Dave Coulier, and those twins...

Lifetime: FULL HOUSE RERUNS. Fucking Pawn Stars was getting double our audience in the same damned time slot.

Weinstein: Thursdays are competitive.

Lifetime: We want something new, and we want it now.

Weinstein: Our flagship is...

Lifetime: Will we be getting more than one season this year?

Weinstein: Well...unfortunately, the Teutonic Goddess is still tied to Germany's Next Top Model...

Lifetime: When we originally signed up for this, we had agreed to year-round programming.

Weinstein: And you still have to obey our contracts.

Lifetime: *sigh* What do you have for us.

Weinstein: The cornerstone of Lifetime's reality programming is kids. Kids are HUGE in the reality programming market right now. From Dance Moms to Honey Boo Boo (*ed's note: cancelled this week*), America loves watching egotistical asshole kids butt heads with their parents.

Lifetime: Go on. I like what I'm hearing.

Weinstein: And, it's been fairly established that the best part of Project Runway is the drama...

Lifetime: And...

Weinstein: What if we knocked off Project Runway for kids! And, gave the kids assistants in the form of a parent!

Lifetime: Can kids really create fashion?

Weinstein: Please, Project Runway hasn't been about real fashion for years. Anybody who still watches this dreck watches for the drama. If we tell them something's fashion, it's fashion.

Lifetime: But, what about working laws?

Weinstein: We have to make the prize worth it, and we'll rotate out the kids so the labor laws won't get too sticky!

Lifetime: And the drama?

Weinstein: What could be jucier than watching hormonal teenagers try to work with the people they're rebelling against?

Lifetime: Brilliant! Genius!!

...

This week introduced us to the latest cash grab spin-off from the Project Runway empire, Project Runway: Threads. A short season of 8 episodes which combines the hormonal qualities of the various Dance Moms shows and the format of Project Runway. Each week, we're introduced to three new teenagers who are forced to compete for a weekly prize package they value at $25k for tax purposes.

The format of the first week has an introductory challenge (a la Top Chef) where the kids have to bring in an outfit from home. The winner gets an advantage, here it's the ability to steal an assistant from one of the other kids for 30 minutes. They then receive the challenge, which is, essentially, a 1-day challenge (unless they're working 15 hour days as well). There will be a twist in the middle of the episode. And, then a runway show in front of Christian Siriano, some YouTuber, host Vanessa Simmons, and a random guest judge.

Don't know who Vanessa Simmons is? Don't worry, neither did I. She's primarily known as the daughter of Rev Run from Run DMC, and was introduced to the world through Run's House. She also has a shoe line with her sister.

So, that's where we're at...hormonal tweenagers teamed with their parents, a reality show host, and a YouTuber judge. And Christian Siriano. No season-long contestants. No eliminations. Just here's the winner, here's the door. Goodbye!

The success of this show will rely on your ability to be amused by tweenagers (11-14) getting to boss their parents around, parents ranging from doting to not, and producer manipulation just to get more dwama out of the kids. Because, this isn't about fashion. As we've seen, adults can't design a great outfit in a day, nevertheless teenagers. Nevertheless two outfits in a one-day challenge. At best, this is about the process of creating, as there was a significant increase in the show's focus on the design process.

This week, we get a southern gay boy (talk about born this way) and his petulant stressed out mother who can't sew. We get a rich girl and her doting mother. And, we get a girl/father team where Dad is more just encouraging. The kids have to design a red carpet look, and then are surprised by having to design a street look.

The best part and the worst part is that the enjoyment comes from teenagers and parents. Mocking the teenager for breaking down in frustration when the producers surprise them with a twist is not nearly as fun as mocking an adult woman for hypocritically running to Tim when she feels a bit of adversity. On the other hand, the cattiness between Bradford and his mom is priceless. "I told you, I'm not a seamstress. I don't have time for that." "You don't have to be a seamstress. You just have to sew." I'd be lying if I said I couldn't relate more than a little to their back and forth.

That being said, I don't feel comfortable in critiquing the looks of teenagers who have gone on TV. Because, all of the looks have ideas that are lacking in execution, as to be expected from teenagers who are doing ONE DAY TWO-DRESS CHALLENGES!! And, apparently, the judges also don't like critiquing the designs in front of the designers, saving all their bitchiness for when the kids and their parents are safely in a green room. Not that the kids are too young to be critiqued, but because everything about this is cheap, knock-off and unfair.

I dunno, this isn't like laughing with the campy Lohanthony shaking his leg on Youtube calling "All You Basic Bitches." Or, mocking the self-made Lucas Cruikshank. Both of them were doing things their way, unlike this show where the kids are being manipulated by multi-millionaire producers for somebody else's gain. Threads feels more than a little sleazy compared to most kids game shows. But, maybe that's just me.

Under the Gunn S1 E1: "Who is under the Gunn?"

Welcome to the first half of the premiere of the new show Under the Gunn, better known as Tim Gunn Wants To Retire, Bitches. This is a two episode premiere episode, and each episode is 90 minutes long, so we're in for a 3 hour premiere.  WHOO!!!

Under the Gunn is an experimental show, kind of. It borrows its format from The Voice in which there are three Project Runway-experienced designers as mentors who get to choose four designers from a pool of 15 potential contestants to figure out who is going to win.

The show seems to be two fold. The first is the usual Project Runway styled challenges, and the second is to find out who will work best as a mentor and fit the format of Project Runway, which Heidi Klum will probably maintain as hostess.  Or, they're going to be the next mentor on Project Runway All-Stars. Of course that's pure speculation on my part, as the mentor position is not part of the prize package.

Because we're borrowing from The Voice, we get 2 premiere episodes. One this week, and one next week. They both are 90 minutes long, the new length of Project Runway classic edition. I don't know if the later episodes are going to remain 90 minutes, or if we're going to revert to the usual spin-off length of 60 minutes once all this initial choosing stuff is going to be finished. I suspect the whole season is going to be 90 minutes, as I suspect Lifetime had been all "Hey, Where's Project Runway Winter 2014?!" The producers then were like "Tim, help. Heidi is busy because we forgot about that."

The first surprise is that we're no longer in New York. We're in Los Angeles at FIDM, aka Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising, where Nick Verreos has been a mentor for 10 years. And, if anybody remembers the dreaded Los Angeles season (aka the first Lifetime season), we're already seeing doom and gloom.

The challenge is for the fifteen designers to be divided into two groups. The first 8 designers are given a bag of 6 shitty fabrics, and have to knock out a dress in 6 hours. Seriously. 6 hours. I guess people need to sleep in in Los Angeles. And the fabrics are a polka dot, a gold lame, lumberjack flannel, black, blue and a whore's pattern. Oh, wait, that's probably Horse pattern. Sorry. That was one of those designers.

Meanwhile, the mentors have to look over the portfolios and through that we get our introduction to the designers. This integrates the portfolio aspects of the usual Project Runway pre-show within the context of the show. Which is interesting in a way because most people don't watch Project Runway episode 0, but it creates a completely schizophrenic episode.

In the first group of designers, we have:
- Blake Smith, 25, Hoboken - Young, cute, and boring. SNOOOOZE.
- Shan Keith Oliver, 33, St Louis - This season's black male designer. Married with kids (wait, what? Not gay?). But, he has a lot of style and edginess in his portfolio.
- Natalia Fedner, 30, West Hollywood - WeHo = fashionable, slightly trampy, fruit fly, and her design aesthetic shows that.
- Brady Lance, 29, Portland - Designs Streetwear, men and women. For some reason I confuse him and Blake because they're both generic gay stereotype #4 stolen from The A-List
- Michelle Uberreste, 29, Burbank - Edgy, future sci-fi inspired designer. A less gender bending Elena.
- Oscar Garcia-Lopez, 40, Coral Gables - Designer from Cuba. Which means, he's going to be steeped in tacky and conservative
- Melissa...I couldn't find any information on her in the show. Spoiler: When you're one of 8 featured designers and you only get a brief consultation, your outlook isn't good.
- Camila Castillo, 47, Caracas Venezuela - Older and future edgy.

In the course of the first episode, the 8 designers are also preyed upon by the 3 mentors when they come in to assess everybody's progress. This won't be the format after episode 2 hopefully, but it is fun when they descend on the designers and the designers have a look of fear.

This first evaluation exposes the best and worst of our mentors. Anya, talking about Camila's style, "Because, we've seen this technique in your portfolio, I would just pay attention to what you haven't shown us." And, "Camila seems to be taking the safe route." Anya says this without a HINT of self-awareness or irony. Especially after seeing Anya's collection of beach wear that looks like every collection of Anya's beach wear ever.

Nick Verreos emphasizes the weirdest words, making it easier to transcribe. "Polkadottedfromheadtotoe. [pause] I...hope...it doesn't end up looking like Mi ckey ... or ... Mi nny." I think he ran out of gasoline by the end of those two sentences.

Mondo is the only one who has a personality that doesn't bug me, but he is still so inexperienced that it shows in his advice.

...

On the flip side, we have designers trying to create personalities to stay on the show longest. Blake is fussy. Camila is contentious. Oscar is Cuban. Natalia is a ball of nervous energy and a source of drama.

...

Everybody is design design design, and then we get to the makeup and hair. Handlebar Moustache Guy got to be in Los Angeles and now has a crew cut. Which, ZOMG. Why weren't you at the Eagle when I was? Drool. But, we have a new hair stylist, who is also hot, but not Handlebar Moustache Guy hot. Especially when HMG almost cuts a bitch because she tells him how she wants her model's hair done. This moment is emphasized by Under the Gunn's new modern Big Block All-Caps Font used outside of the Project Runway-designated subtitle area. "I love you, but we're in the makeup room right now!" Followed by a forced smile saying "can't you see the makeup or read the brand name on the wall in gigantic letters?!" This is my new favorite Project Runway moment.

And, we get to the runway, which is a modern set with a lot of crooked lines, and poppy colors. It looks less like a runway and more like a tv set made to look like a runway. Its intimate and fresh, but it doesn't have the practice class feeling of Project Runway's runway. Plus, the lights on the runway seem to be so that the outfits were backlit when the cameras were filming them. Maybe this will be fixed in the next episode.

Runway:
Michelle - Black and Gold Lame is so tacky. And, this is no exception. It would have looked better in blue. But, it is modern and not a complete disaster, with a really nice silhouette and decent looking, though rather hoary, sleeves.

Brady - A trainwreck using every textile. It's just so so much. It's cute, but all together its just...whoa.

Melissa - Cute and mildly boring all polka dot outfit.

Blake - Adorable and sophisticated little black dress. Elegant but safe (Anya got it right).

Natalia - Given that she had six hours, this dress was headed in some amazing places, but the execution was terrible. I love all of the design elements in the dress, from the braiding technique, to the black and blue collar with a strip to the back. The silhouette is nice too. But, with the time constraints, the lines are crooked, the hem is unfinished and sloppy, the dress is way too short, and its just a gread idea executed poorly.

Shan - Ugly ass bomber jacket with two patterns that don't mix, and a great black cocktail dress that has short sleeves, which I kind of really like in their tiny detail.

Oscar - SO SO MUCH. Tacky, overstyled, and just so over the top.

Camila - The only black and gold dress I like. It uses a great technique, even though Anya is bored by it because she hates Camila. Anya feels like she's trying to become the Nina of the show.  Which is so terrible. Anya isn't talented or observant enough to be the next Nina.

Based on this, the mentors now get to fight over the designers to form their team.

The first episode results:
Team Mondo: Michelle, Camila
Team Anya: Shan, Blake, Brady
Team Nick: Oscar, Natalia
Eliminated: Melissa

In this episode, Tim Gunn, as host, plays a huge role in the show. He's like a mentor of the mentors, and doesn't just appear at the beginning and the end like Heidi does. He's integrated into the show, and almost a little too hands-on. I like seeing him mentor, but let the mentors mentor.

Random Observations:

- Blake and Brady are interchangable. And they're on the same team.

- Nick Verreos, age 46, calls himself Grandpa Nick. He doesn't look 46. He's a hot daddy.

- The next episode is going to be just as schizophrenic, but we'll find out how this plays out in S3