Project Runway All-Stars S4 E4: Wear Your Heart On Your Sleeve

This important scene is missing from the episode.

I've been praising the first three episodes for feeling like classic Project Runway. The judges have been on point, Alyssa Milano has been warm and witty, Zanna Roberts Rassi has been intelligent and quick. The episode before a break is usually some sort of amazing episode that expands the universe or is somehow enough to power the audience over the week.

Project Runway All-Stars believes this too. This is the final episode for a week, because next week is Thanksgiving. As a result, the producers decide to pull out all the stops. The designers are taken to the Hearst building to meet up with Nina Garcia (classic!). They are shown a bunch of jewelry from a famous nationwide jewel manufacturer (pretty!). They are given a challenge that involves their personal life (drama!). There is a guest judge from last season's winner (history!). Yet, all this obvious manipulation adds up to the worst episode of the season. 

Right out of the gate, something is off. The opening scenes pull a Project Runway and combine way too many elements at once. We're in the Hearst building to meet Nina Garcia. OK, so it's the Nina challenge. But, she's standing next to a bunch of jewelry. So, it's also the Jewelry challenge? No, the jewelry man is there just to show off the jewelry and announce that they are giving a decent amount of money to the winner ($10k). 

But, this is neither the typical Nina challenge nor the jewelry challenge. Instead, it is the personal challenge. In a naked bid to get the designers to do something other than be pleasant to each other, this week's challenge is to make an outfit based on the designers' past, present, and future romantic relationships. Thus, everybody is sent into a whirlwind of emotion. High, if you're engaged. Low if you're married recently single. 

On top of that, it's also a mandated party dress challenge, which apparently is code for no all black or all white dresses. Obviously they were eyeing the already eliminated Alexandria, and Kate "bridal dress" Pankoke when they made this limitation. Ultimately, though, its just yet another twist in an episode fraught with twists.

The requirement of basing the design on your romantic life was engineered for maximum emotions. You can practically hear the producers off screen saying, "No, tell us your whole story, and this time with feeling. They may or may not be holding a gun to the designers' heads. If they do, that threat is only slightly off screen.

In fact, when Zanna comes around, she, not so nakedly, implores the designers to pour their hearts out on screen. With Helen, she starts out, "Someone's in love." "Well...was." "TELL ME." By the time she gets to Portland, all politeness is done. "TELL ME YOUR STORY," she commands. And, when we get to Fabio, we have discussions on open relationships, whose details she announces to all the nobody that is listening to her.

The best part of this episode was the Kubrickian/military camerawork that happens when she gives her final speech. As she finishes up her speech, she is standing in the center of the screen between two tables. Deathrage is to her right (our left), and to the right of the screen is a shoe and a bunch of fabric. Red is in the foreground, and blue is in the background, with the carpet and walls, starting immediately behind her. This creates both a Workers vs Leader story, and a Passion vs Judge story. Simultaneously, the iconography of the framing is stolen from so many motivational speeches in films, especially sports and military ones. 

When the camera finally flips, the camera is behind Zanna's head, where there was no camera before. 9 of the 11 remaining designers - not shown: Jay and Sonjia - are all carefully placed, so none of their faces are hidden from view. Deathrage has been repositioned farther right, so that the mannequin is on display, while Fabio is now moved to create a straight line with Dimitry and Benjamin. They're posing, and almost everybody is looking at Zanna...except Justin and Portland who are blankly looking off screen. Even without their participation, this is a really solid example of Triumph of the Will cinematography that places Zanna as the central power focus.

The final sequence is a bunch of closeups of the designers facing forward, mostly staring at Zanna, and nodding silently. If this isn't inspired by Triumph of the Will, I don't know what is. This is one of my favorite all time sequences in Project Runway's history, and should be hailed as a masterpiece of editing and filmmaking. However, it also noted the artifice of the sequence, and one wonders how long the designers had to participate in this bullshit. This sequence was only 22 seconds long, but in those 22 seconds, it brought down the final wall of Project Runway and announced it as a constructed game show instead of a reality show.

Anyways, only one interesting thing happens between Zanna and the runway, and that's Sonjia somehow magically finding a cobalt blue fabric. Now, I say magically, but Sonjia said "Yesterday, I saw this beautiful cobalt blue fabric..." This blue fabric almost comes out of nowhere, or may have been gifted by a designer that didn't use it. The fabric pops up periodically throughout the episode. The first time is at Mood, where it is crumpled on the cut table. Somebody chose it, and I suspect that Egg was the one who saw it. Later, the fabric is seen on Egg's work table. It's in their row along the windows, and on a table with black shoes on it. Later, during her Zanna critique, the blue fabric is at the bottom of the screen on the table while they're fawning over her ugly green dress. It shares a space with some Orange fabric and more green fabric. As the models leave, the big ball of blue fabric is still in front of Egg in the background. 

But, in the next cut, Sonjia is already cutting the cobalt blue fabric, and the cobalt blue fabric is no longer in Egg's pile.  This is most noticeable in the "next day" workroom pan, where the fabric is no longer on Egg's table, either having been covered up, or having been given to Sonjia. 

In a season where everybody is so focused on helping each other, this is not surprising, nor even offensive. Except, Sonjia made that statement "Yesterday I saw this fabric." Why they didn't spend time on the negotiation, or how Sonjia got her hands on it is beyond me. But, the way they tell the story, the blue fabric came magically out of her ass. But, it's there.

So, I spent wayyyyyy too much time poring over this element, and it's time for runway (in which we'll get into the relationships).

Runway

Georgina Chapman is still absent, this time being replaced by her prime counterpart, Nina Garcia. We're also treated to a guest judge from Project Runway All Stars, Seth-Aaron Henderson. And, some fashion blogger.

• Dimitry - So, I had a coworker who was obsessed with Italian style fashion. He was heterosexual, but he loved Ferraris, and eurotrash aesthetics. He also loved techno music. He would have loved this dress,w which is a great raver dress. But, it says nothing to me. It's very editorial, and thus very Nina. But, both the shape and the skirt are off-the-rack dullsville. Plus, the stiff bounce at the bottom looks cheap. Dimitry is single, not looking for love, not in love, nor wants to be. And, this dress shows it. It has no emotion in it, just cold hard flash.
• Sonjia - This dress is so Sonjia. She took this gorgeous cutout lace fabric and crafted it into a one-piece hanging shirt. But, she cuts it very raw and jagged to match the overwrought, almost Gothic, patterning. Then she puts the afore-mentioned cobalt blue underneath it in a tight two piece which clashes so beautifully with the shirt that the shirt's shapelessness is ths given shape. It looks so easy and comfortable and free, yet it tells a story of intricacy and complication, and the layering of the blue gives a strong present to the intricate past. It's a gorgeous piece.
• Benjamin - This dress is so fucking boring. It's a pretty dress in an ugly color with a crappy Handkerchief hemline...but a gorgeous back. What is with the season and having beautiful backs but ugly fronts? Anyways, Benjamin is single, and his breakup was bad, but that's all in the past now. Though, he hasn't put much interest into the present or future of his love life. Similarly, the shape and the front of the dress are boring, but the back is very precious and beautiful. 
• Jay - I don't know if I love or hate this dress. Or, both. Jay uses a raspberry striped pattern to create chevrons and stripes in every imaginable angle, including horizontal and vertical. He outlines his pieces with a pink frosting ribbon. Nothing is symmetrical or centered. The outlines are also in such a way that the breast panel looks like it is popping out. Yet, it's really gorgeous and strange. It's complicated and chaotic, like his love life.
• Fabio - He's in an open relationship. He sees life and love with a techno tribal fantasia. And, he found a fabric to make an OK dress out of it. But, then he layers it with light pink fabric vest panels that shouldn't go together, yet it does. And, in the back the panels are part of the dress. From the front it's two disparate pieces, but the back shows them all coming together as one. 
• Kate - Married to her first love. Ready to settle down. So, she creates a Golden Girls outfit for Blanche. My grandmother would have loved this outfit, because she loved bing. But, the color is so old-fashioned and the slicked back blond hair and over done makeup makes the woman look like Jamie Lee Curtis from True Lies raided her grandma's closet. The slouchy back makes it look like it was made for a woman who was heftier than the model, and I don't even know what was going on with the single piece of fabric that was dangling. No. Just...no.
• Justin - He found the love of his life who learned ASL for him. So, he made a dress inspired by Alyssa's ladybug maternity dress from the beginning of the episode. It feels like a younger counterpart. He paints I Love You in sign forms, but he's safe so he doesn't get to explain that. Because, otherwise, it is just a very pretty party dress.
• Portland - It's a very strange dress. She was married while on the show previously. Has gotten divorced. And is engaged now. Meanwhile, this dress is a raspberry lace in a usual silhouette. But, then she adds on poofs at the wrists and extra long sleeves, as well as copper strapping around the waist. Oh, right, she's a Steampunk girl. This is a steampunk inspired modern take on the old west. It's Portland.
• Deathrage - He was just in a trainwreck breakup. And, his dress is a trainwreck. I could spend pages ripping it apart How nothing looks intentional, how the aymmetry does nothing for the silhouette or the body, how the slit up the dress is awful, how the weird way he did the waist is also asymmetrical and is counter to the bodice's asymmetry. But, knowing that he was in a trainwreck of a breakup and wanted to get that in dress form, then this dress is fucking perfect. It's an awful look, but it's solid for its intention.
• Egg - It's a dress from the 1960s. 
• Helen - She was put in the backburner. And, so, she made a dress that looks like it put the model in a bondage. The bust turned into a frown, and the arms looked strapped in at the side. It was emotionally sad and distraught. It was overworked.

The judging is so strange, but not incorrect. The judges go after Deathrage's chaos, but Deathrage doesn't sell his devastating relationship story to go with the dress. They correctly criticize everything, but the dress has an emotional story about a great relationship gone wrong. Nina criticizes Kate's dress comparing it to Dimitry's ultra-modern dress. Nina was so done with Kate. And, Kate's design really was boring.

The main story, however, is Nina gets her way no matter what. Much like we've been suspecting on the main Project Runway, Queen Nina is so forceful that her way is the primary way. Helen's tragic dress, which was a tragic masterpiece, was seconded to Sonjia's modern Gothic edginess. Which is sad, because Sonjia's was clearly the most innovative and the most radical.

In a season of Bravo-level Project Runway, the invasion of Lifetime Project Runway feels tragic. Suddenly, we have way too many elements, not enough time, producer manipulation, Queen Nina craziness, and terrible judging. Not to mention it had confusing product placement, and a weird story line that didn't make sense. Lame

Random Observations

• Nina has the best sour but stern poker face. And, her flip of the hair is perfect.
• Scott Davies, the jewelry dude, is amazingly stiff. Remember the gun being held off screen? I think this was also aimed at Mr. Davies. I expect these flat deliveries from the designers, but from the SVP of Marketing? Gorgeous.
• Swatch is always sleeping. We need more active Swatch.
• Interestingly, nobody gets free marketing at Project Runway. When Sonjia is joshing Kate about being married, she's drinking a Red Bull, whose logo has been covered by a post-it note.
• Did I just compare Project Runway to a Nazi propagandist documentary? Yes, I did.
• I know we haven't spent much time on sartorial choices, but what is with Deathrage's neckbeard? It's getting distracting again.
• Alyssa looks like a disco ball in her runway outfit.
• When Justin's model turns, you can see panties...
• If you watched Project Runway: Threads, the winning kid also created the same neckline that Helen was so celebrated for.
• "Whatever those relationship experiences were, at least you got a good dress out of it."

Project Runway S12 E10: "Project Runway Superfan!"

If I were a superfan, I'd have some serious questions about showing up on Project Runway as a model. Especially if I wasn't 6'1, 110lbs with A- or B-cups.  That isn't because non-models can't be pretty.  It's because you know you have a better than even chance of ending up wearing something with an awful fit on national television.  It's because you have a decent chance of getting the designer who will bitch about your not being a coat hanger.  And, it's because you have to be kind of happy if the designer listens to you and then they end up on the bottom.  Oh, and if you're physically fit to skinny, you'll be in the top. But if you're not skinny, you are going to be in the bottom.

That being said, I'd be on Project Runway in a heartbeat, and the designer would have a fucking heart attack while I demanded a better fit.  And, could I have tear away clothes like the strippers from last season?

Yes, dear readers, this is the "real woman" challenge that all long time fans of Project Runway have come to love and dread, all at once. But, fortunately, this isn't random nice old women who have somehow been scammed by Project Runway.  Or, worse, the mothers or relatives of the other designers. This is a group of the afore-mentioned superfans, who have pre-conceived notions of how the show works.  Insult away!  Just kidding. Please don't insult the superfans.

When we first meet the superfans, they are arrive oohing and ahhing at everything, and taking more photos than an old lady on a tour bus. OH! They ARE on a tour bus. And then they get taken backstage and allowed to walk the runway and crawl around the sets nosing around and taking photos. They talk with Tim Gunn, and otherwise act like really adorably fun people.

And, after awhile, our superfans go into the workroom where the designers have NOT been chained to their desks.  I repeat the designers have not been lashed to their desk in order to while away their morning doing nothing more than twiddle their thumbs.  They're just sitting there, making odd comments about needing to randomly cut and sew some muslin because that's what they do for fun!  They even stand and walk away from their desks to greet the superfans in order to prove they haven't been chained there on a permanent basis.  

The superfans, as per usual for the "real woman" challenge come in ranges from boyishly skinny to curvy to already hot to plump.  ToKen gets stuck with one of the larger women, which already rang elimination bells in my head.  Alexandria has to do an interview suit for an art student.  Justin has to do a dress for a mormon who lost 130 lbs.  Eyebrows has to deal with another woman with curves who wants a SUIT.

Captain Sassypants bitches early in the episode off screen about having to design for non-models, which he's never done before. Everybody else is quite happy with their models, which is a really refreshing change of pace for Project Runway.  Sure they may not know how to dress the models properly (especially Ken), but they weren't as blatantly offensive as they have been in seasons past.  Probably because the producers were like "Shhhh, this is our viewing audience.  We're on LIFETIME! You gotta be nice."

The designers consult and sketch with the superfans, and then the superfans get to go to Mood.  Which is great because ToKen is designing in green for a girl who should not be wearing green. Match your skin tones bitches.  But, then ToKen gets a crappy green fabric because his model was super excited by it.  And, he also gets some other fugly pseudo-pleather fabric to go along with it. Elimination bells #2. Everybody else picks average fabrics.

The superfans are given hair consultations on day one for their New York vacations so they look stunning while in the big city.  Hey!  I need a hair consultation!  Instead of using that L'oreal stuff, can you use this manic panic hair dye?  Maybe we can go green!  No, don't faint! How about neon purple?  Gay rainbow?  Leopard Print!  And, bleach the shit out of my hair to dye it.  40 strength, so you don't burn the shit out of my scalp.  *sigh* *dreams*  I'd also like a pair of fashionable bleachers, I can bring my oxblood leather boots.  Old school punk is back, right?

Anyways, the designers start designing, and Alexander is the only one truly struggling because he agreed to a suit for his superfan. And, considering that the superfan isn't a model, that means that Alexander needs to have a shitton of room for a lot of alterations because he is probably making somewhat educated guesses.

After the workroom, the male designers have to consolidate rooms.  I hadn't noticed that this year they haven't been in plush cushy apartment suite accommodations, and were merely in a hotel with four single beds.  Lulz.  And, since they are now down to four male designers we're going down to one room.  And, so, after a long day of working and dealing with superfans, the designers have to pack up and move into a single room.  You know, because they didn't have time to do this in the morning while they were waiting for the superfans to finish up the tour, right?  

Captain Sassypants confesses that this angers Queen ToKen and he isn't about to put up with it.  He sets up his ironing board right in front of the front door, and starts ironing as the designers are starting to move in. Eyebrows, who is in the lead in the train of two, opens the door but has to wait for ToKen to finish his ironing of his jean short cutoffs?!!?  WTF?!  Who irons jean short cutoffs?  I mean, really...

Eyebrows gets pissed because at this point, he just wants to settle in and go to bed.  And Eyebrows knocks down the ironing board and iron.  Then, Ken starts pitching his biggest fit yet to the point where the talent supervisor comes in and pleads with him to calm the fuck down or else she's going to lose her job if he cuts a bitch.  Meanwhile Eyebrows and Dance Beard have ran back to their original room and locked the door.

The next day, Tim Gunn has a group sit down, as one would with 12 year olds.  Because, really, that was an 12 year old thing to do.  On all sides.  All the women except Helen are like, "really, dudes?  really?  Get the fuck out."  All the men and Helen are like "Sassy, stop being such a bitch."  The end result is that Captain Sassypants gets his own bedroom.  Elimination bells #3.

Back to the design.  ToKen makes some sort of hideous green dress that even he hates. Eyebrows struggles with time.  Justin makes a dress that has the woman's signature on it.  Awwww. Dance Beard goes leather.  Alexandria goes...well...Alexandria.  Everybody else is safeish.

And, then its time for hair and makeup.  There is a wide range of skin tones and dress designs that Handlebar Moustache Guy had to design for.  Some of the makeup is more naturalistic.  Some is more edgy.  It's a wide range of...bitch!!!  DON'T YOU BE HUGGING MY MAN! Get your hands off HMG, he's mine!  Justin, control your superfan, dammit.  No, really, if I was a superfan on Project Runway, I fear I'd be sexually harassing HMG during the makeup consultation in the worst ways possible, which I will refrain from detailing on here (you're welcome for that).

And, time for the runway show.  Which, Nina didn't even show up for!  Seriously, Project Runway?  I know Nina is busy and all, but you have a superfan episode, and Nina can't even be bothered to show up?  Anyways, her replacement is Zanna Roberts Rossi, new editor of Marie Claire and Joanna Cole's replacement (since she has left Marie Claire for Cosmo).  And the special guest judge is Erin Fetherston.

Justin: OK, he's dressing for a Mormon who is hiding extra skin from losing 130 lbs.  So, yeah, it's going to be a little boring.  But, it fits her well, and I really like the signature and the way it comes from the shoulder and down the middle.  It's tasteful, but I would have preferred this in an actual color (like the yellow in her before picture) because the top comes across as so flat on in black. Top three.

Dance Beard: The vest is amazing.  It looks like something that Joanna Coles would wear. Its military and butch.  It looks expensive, and its great in that leather.  The dress looks cheap.  It's a really nice simple black dress that Dance Beard kind of ruined with cheap shiny plastic strips haphazardly applied to the bottom.  Top three (for the vest alone, IMHO).

Eyebrows: Poor eyebrows.  He had the frame of a great suit with a giid fit.  From the back it is a really nice silhouette, and flatters her figure.  Then, it gets rough.  He added gigantic black flaps at the bottom which makes the whole thing start looking silly.  But, worse than that, he adds a black piece of something over one shoulder that looks like a burping rag for mothers of infants.  Not finishing is one thing, but those extra elements are whoa.  Bottom three (and probably could have gone home).

Dom: Safe, off the rack dress that looks really nice on her.model.  And a nice jacket.  It's just a really OK dress.

Kate: I love this look.  Those leggings are nice and slimming, and her top is so well proportioned that the leggings pairing doesn't make her look like Humpty Dumpty (which is a problem I have seen frequently, where the legs look out of proportion thin to the girl because of the black leggings and billowy top).  The top is stunning, even if it isn't in a color I'm not fond of.  And, it's safe.

ToKen: An ugly green simple outfit with graphic stripes that go across it in unflattering ways.  Especially the stripe that goes across one boob and makes everything look lopsided (Heidi was so right).  The two materials suck together. The model loves it, even as ToKen himself hates it.  ToKen goes home (thank God).

Alexandria: It's a boring design. The bulky military design of the front jacket doesn't match the clustered feminine back, nor do either of them match the summery skirt that's poking beneath it.  And then there's some sort of black cummerbund-like-thing.  It's really confused.  Yes, its an interview suit, but it looks confining and uncomfortable.  Bottom three.

Helen: Its a really nice runway dress.  She was the only one who went red carpet, and she had the time to do it too.  The bust looks especially nice, and the whole thing looks rather edgy and elegant. With a power hairstyle, this is the transformation of the show.  She wins.

So, in the end, ToKen's gone.  It wasn't for the dress, either.  I think Eyebrows' unfinished suit was god awful, even in the directions he was taking it.  That burping rag was hideous and unnecessary, and the jacket had those weird black things at the bottom of the front.  ToKen's was just averagely bad.  Though, his was more boring, which is the semi-rule of this season of Project Runway (though, I think Alexandria's was more boring).  Personally, I think that ToKen's temper had overstayed his welcome a few episodes ago.  His fights were no longer interesting or entertaining.

The final scene of Captain Sassypants was hilarity, though.  Alexandria: "I think you have a voice." Sassy: "Project Runway pushed me as far as I want to be pushed." Tim You're happy? Well, good.  Because I have to send you to the work room to clean up your space. Right now."  Then, Sassy hugs some of the designers, but walks right past Tim Gunn.  Don't let the door hit you on the way out, Sassy.  Good riddance.

Interesting coda that already happened: Captain Sassypants did not show a decoy show at New York Fashion Week.  Even though even London showed a decoy collection, Sassy apparently couldn't be bothered.  I haven't been able to find news on this absence, and I suspect PR won't make any announcement on it because then they would be acknowledging the presence of the decoy collections, which they haven't really done.  

Random notes:

- The stage manager looks like he may be kind of hot as well.  He's only seen in shadow, but he looks positively hunky.

- What the heck is with that skirt and top pairing that Heidi is wearing?  A beigy striped top with a floral spring print skirt?  It's, fortunately, not the kindergarten teacher alphabet sweater that Nina once wore, but it is a ?! moment.

- Alexander is delusional. "Did your model like it?" "She LOVED it."  [later in the close-ups] "The design looked a little different on screen. But, you know..."

- Best judge dance arounds: "But, you're a cool girl! You know, you want something maybe a little bit more...inspired."  "We think you're better than this dress."

- The two skinny real girls were indeed in the top, and one of them was the winner.  Way to break your stereotypes Project Runway!

- ZOMG, Alyssa Milano is hosting PR All Stars!  I think its a sign that I'm gay that my first thought was "the seductress Amy Fisher!"

- And, not in the advertisement for PR All Stars, Zanna Roberts Rossi is the new Joanna Coles as mentor.  She won't be a cold heartless woman who seems like she's coming in for 15 minutes.  But, Joanna will be missed.  I loved her, though I might be the only one.

- Fashion related sidenote: What was Chelsea Clinton wearing on tonight's The Daily Show?  It looked like the Theo Huxtable shirt that Denise made in that one episode of The Cosby Show.  Only in dress form.  Was anybody else bothered by this dress?

Project Runway S12 E08: "Having a Field Day"

This weekend, I attended PAX.  I participated in a You Don’t Know Jack tournament, which was supposed to start at 8pm; but, it actually didn’t start until after 8:30 due to the previous tournament, Marvel Vs Capcom, running really long.  I commented that it was akin to football pre-empting Jeopardy!  Well, that experience is mimicked in this week’s Project Runway branded introduction with sports.  Sports?! I didn’t tune in for this!  Ah well…whatever.

The last time I remember PR having a sports event, somebody fell and somebody else dropped out.  In 2011, there was the track episode, where Cecila decided to drop out, and our favorite fatphobic femme Olivier had a panic attack, fell and bruised his need, requiring paramedics.  Fun times, made for lots to talk about, so let’s repeat it!

This year, we have a Double Dare-esque obstacle course, minus the slime, where the main obstacle seems to be not being distracted by our Teutonic Goddess screaming instructions at you.  “WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU TWO?!  IT’S A FLAG. IT HAS A STICK ON IT! YOU CAN’T FIND IT?!  YOU’RE STILL LAST!!” I wonder if some might consider this to be as erotic as Lucy Liu with a riding crop in Charlie’s Angels.  The winner of the course gets first choice of fabrics, and an extra hour of sewing.  Sadly, nobody dies.

Today’s challenge is sponsored by New Balance, through which Heidi has yet another fashion collection of mass manufactured clothing, this year is sportswear. Last year, Heidi was introducing a baby fashion line at Babies ‘r’ Us, called Truly Scrumptious, and did not have anybody eating any babies (to my chagrin).  This year, again, Heidi is saving real world costs by getting the designers to provide her with free designs for her collection.  The winner of the challenge gets the honor of having their design sold online with Heidi’s name attached to it.  Luckily, there is a precedent for this, otherwise I would be shitting all over New Balance, whom I actually kind of like as they have select shoes that are still manufactured in America (a rarity).  Instead, it is merely a sign of Heidi’s ability to get people to do work for her for free.  It’s nice being at the top, isn’t it?

So, Dom and Justin win. Everybody selects their fabrics, and then we come back to the workroom to find that everybody’s mannequin has been taken over by Heidi’s boring collection as examples of what they should be matching.  Tim Gunn helpfully explains that these are just examples, and should be used as inspiration.  Then, he dolefully adds, “You can’t cut them up. Ok?” 

Immediately upon Tim’s departure, Helen asks a question of Tim, outside the workroom, trying to get a leg up on the other designers.  The question: Should we use the pieces as examples of fit as well?  Not much of a leg up, to be honest, as anybody with two brain cells would have come up with that idea. But, she thinks she’s being shady, and then everybody else thinks she’s being shady.  Captain Sassypants calls her out, she fights back, and then it’s the Ken and Helen drama show, which at this point, seems more put on and pointless than any of the Housewives shows.  As such, I’m not going to waste any more time on this drama, because it’s current Drama Queen Helen vs current Drama King Captain Sassypants.  And, yawn…because, at this point, aren’t we all a bit tired of the overblown drama? 

And, as such, the first real looks we get of the designs are during the Tim Gunn critiques with special guest Heidi.  ToKen has nothing to show. RHDB has problems because she went back to the 90s, whose athleticwear was a throwback to the 80s, with Day-Glo neon colors intercut with black angular bands, creating a warning sign of such.  Which, I really like for women who run or bike at night outside of a gym, especially compared to the dark grey and black jacket that Kate is making, which is great for hiding sweat, but is also great for getting hit by a car.

In fact, many of the outfits are in dark greys and blacks, or purples.  You know, nothing that is easily visible.  It strikes me as fucked up that Heidi is discouraging the one designer who was going all out on safety and visibility.  While RHDB’s design might have left some to be desired in the critique state, it was also the least likely to lead to being cut off your body in an ambulance instead of being ripped off your body in a bedroom.  But, I am mainly thinking about outdoor exercises, such as running or riding a bike, instead of at the gym.  I just like things to be versatile, and I’ve seen many a man and woman run their way to the gym as a form of cardio warm up. 

The other important critique is Alexandria’s critique.  She has made these hideous drop crotch pants and a dark colored jacket/cape looking thing.  It’s ugly, but Heidi gives her seal of approval.  Remember that I said that the pants were already made, and Heidi exclaimed “I like a drop crotch pants.”  That’s important later.

Anyways, RHDB panics and has to rebuild everything.  Unfortunately.  And, ToKen has to actually make something (because what he whipped up by the time Heidi and Tim made it over was pure shite, and he knew it).  Everybody rushes, we get the brief  scenes with HMG hottie, and then it’s time for runway, where we learn that the special guest is An Orange!  No, wait, it’s just Michael Kors.  Actually, to be fair to The Human Orange, he looks like he went into rehab for his addition to fake tanning.

Kate: I like this look.  I love the heavy orange at the bottom of the leggings. And, while I love the heavy bright orange at the neck, I can’t imagine anybody who could work out with a cowl neck.  Everything else about it is merely standard well done sportswear.  She is in the top three.

Dance Beard: I love the light grey.  It looks reflective, and safe.  The heavy green piping at the shoulder means that it is always visible.  The black and grey swirls at the bottom are sexy as hell.  The only thing I don’t like is a couple of the pipes at the hip feel overdesigned, but the rest of it is amazing.  It feels urban, and hip.  He is, of course, safe.

Alexandria: The model could barely WALK in those drop crotch pants nevertheless exercise. The jacket is boring. The shirt is OK, but feels a touch like a costume from Million Dollar Baby or some other urban boxing movie.  Just ugh.  Bottom three.

Helen: She makes this god-awful mesh jacket hoodie, all in black, with a cape feel to the back. And, then has these tights where the safety color is covered by more black mesh.  And, because the mesh jacket hoodie is never unzipped on the runway, it hides this awful and boring grey shirt with a neon green pocket cover stitched at the belly, and there is no safety color straight up visible anywhere on the outfit. She wins.

Dom: She makes an urban, Brooklyn, look which is outlined in bright orange, and has a great jacket sweater attached to it.  The jacket has an amazing crescent ass cutout on its bottom, which just highlights the booty lines of the leggings.  The shirt underneath it has an amazing array of lines for the razorback. Safe.

Justin: Makes a more polished, but more straight-up sportswear companion piece to Helen’s look.  It has an asymmetrical jacket which also echoes Red Eyebrows’ asymmetrical jacket.  The colors pop, and it looks like it could be in a workout video. Safe.

ToKen: No. This is the girl who doesn’t know what fits her yet. Bottom three

London: Meh. What the hell is up with the yellow piping that is outlining the top of the ass? Safe.

RHDB: SNOOOOOOOZE. Loose pants, loose top, nothing fits right, it’s just bad. She goes home.

Red Eyebrows: Its ok.  Great job on the leggings, but there were better looks on the runway.  Nice asymmetric jacket.  Top three.

On the runway, they rip Alexandria up and down for her drop crotch pants, but ultimately it is RHDB who goes home.  My favorite part of the runway was when Heidi starts double backing on the drop crotch, and then Tim comments, “What’s a poor designer to do when the host of the show says she loves it?” And, Heidi lies her ass off trying to say that she only saw them in a sketch.  You know, even though she saw them in person, and then said she loved them on the runway.  She never admits she’s wrong though.

And, so goes home another designer who needed to go home.  We still have to get rid of ToKen, and Alexandria.  Then we’re down to the good designers.

I’d like to take a little extra time expressing my distaste with the judge’s winner.  The look isn’t commercial, it isn’t fashion, and it isn’t active wear.  Helen’s look is just plain blah.  I don’t know what they were thinking with her winning, but I’m not a judge.

Stray observations:

- Heidi comments “You need to get the blood flowing” but neglects to finish with “you lazy slobs.”

- No, I really do mean, I am not going to waste any more time on this week’s stupid drama.  Discuss this in the comments, if you must.  I’m just kind of over it this week.

- London’s total Heidi/Tim critique is “Wow, you got sunburned!” Of course he’ll be safe.
- Project Runaways is looking for a writer for next week.  If you would like to step in and take next week, please let me know at Julius.Kassendorf@yahoo.com.

Project Runway: S12 E07: “Shoes First!”

Every season that I've watched of Project Runway features an episode that reminds me that I know nothing about fashion. Or at the very least the episode makes me question what I may or may not know about fashion and makes me wonder if it's me or if it's just that the judges have gone insane. This week saw that episode for me. Almost everything the judges said about almost every look they placed in the top or bottom left me scratching my head in confusion. But I believe when trying to make sense of something seemingly nonsensical one should start at the beginning, so here we go.

After a few moments for the designers to rejoice over Justin's save last week, and for Heidi to offer her begrudging “welcome back you total waste of space who should be well out of my sight by now!” sentiments, the contestants move forward with the challenge. They take a trip to the Marie Clare Fashion Closet, which I thought was an opportunity for most of the designers to exclaim that they wouldn't go back in the closet for anyone but no one did, alas another missed opportunity. While back in the closet, the designers are told by this week's shameless product placement guru Anne Fulenwider (Editor-In-Chief of Marie Claire magazine and old friend of Heidi from the Mother Land) that they will be asked to chose a pair of shoes and design a look around those shoes with the model then wearing those shoes on the runway. Shoes. Basically the challenge boils down to one simple philosophy which might be the only thing Project Runway and Lifetime (television for women) has learned about ladies in all these years: “Give them bitches shoes; bitches love shoes.”

Moving on. Remember last week when I said that the show had revolutionized it's 90 minute run time by giving the contestants far more interesting things to do on their challenges? Well this week each contestant is given a buzzer and asked questions about fashion history; the first contestant to answer the question correctly gets their pick at the great Wall-O-Shoes until there is only one contestant left to wallow in the shame of their despicable ignorance. So, in short, Project Runway went out of its way to make me look like a total idiot for praising them last week by coming back and showing just how capable they are at wasting time. Thanks a lot you douche bags. Shoes!

So the contestants answer questions like “Which design school did Marc Jacobs attend?” which is just the single easiest question on earth..... I'm sure it'll come to me... Tip of my tongue really... We'll circle back around to this later. And the designer left without knowing any of the answers at all is Miranda! The producers and the other designers make it seem like her extreme lack of knowledge should suggest that she shouldn't even be on the show. Not that she's going to cease to be on the show anytime soon or anything....We'll circle back around to that later too I guess.

With shoes in tow, it's off to mood where the designers are given a suggested budget of $250 and let lose to buy fabric. There are walls and walls of fabric in Mood, there are more walls and walls of fabric in Mood than there were walls of shoes in Marie Clare's closet, and yet somehow Miranda and Red Eyebrows manage to pick the exact same hideous plaid to make their pants. I was going to try to make a joke about that fact, but I'm simply too confounded to make it any funnier than it already is. Meanwhile, ToKen takes his time to ask one of the helpful assistants “Where are the shoulder pads?” If I hated ToKen before (and believe me when I say I totally did), the fact that he actually went onto national television and proclaimed that he intended to put shoulder pads on his dress for a competition makes me think he should be relegated to the worst possible hell imaginable. You know, the place reserved for child molesters and people who talk at the theater! (Also, if you understand that reference, we should be best friends)

Tim's visit to the work room starts with Alexandria who chose a very interesting pair of “gladiator boots” which actually have knee pads built in. My initial thought when I saw them was of all the nights I totally could have used a pair of boots with knee pads built in, but now I'm realizing that that might be over sharing and I should get back to the business at hand, forget I said I anything. She's designing a very soft look to go with these boots instead of going the full S&M route which could either be genius or a missed opportunity, only time will tell. Miranda goes about designing a look strikingly similar to one she got reamed for in the past, and she makes it a point to say that she's not going to listen to Tim and she's going to follow her gut. This is by no means meant to be seen as a kiss of death for Miranda no matter how much we all know that contests who don't listen to Tim are almost always sent home. She'll be fine. Token's look is criticized by Tim for being too old and matronly, which couldn't possibly have anything to do with his plan to use shoulder pads could it? As a result, he actually astounds me and drops the shoulder pads. Maybe he's not a totally lost cause after all? In the end Tim's time in the work room actually gives us a look at each of the designers. This is one of the developments that I honestly don't have an opinion on. Some people are changing their entire look, some are sticking with their gut, some are only making minor changes and nothing new is learned. I yawn, and I move on.

Dance Beard is one of the contestants who needs to remake a good 50% of his look. As a result of that and the encroaching deadline, he makes the great decision to call his partner ,and cry, and ask about their dog, and cry, and generally feel all of the pressure of the competition, and cry. Generally I hate seeing people cry on reality TV shows. It tends to seem like crass manipulation of the fans or other contestants most times, and who cries in public? You cry in your bedroom over a gallon of ice cream or in the bathroom with the shower running like a normal person! But I like Dance Beard, so I'm a bit more sympathetic than usual. Also, shoes!

The Runway: this week gives us two guest judges, Kaley Cuoco from The Big Bang Theory and the product placement chick from earlier in the episode because, again, bitches love shoes.

ToKen: Surprise, surprise, he decided not to go with the shoulder pads and the look is all the better for it. In all honesty, I think this is the first dress he's made that I honestly liked. The textile has a great reptilian feel to it that goes a long way towards distracting you from the fact that it's just a simple black dress, the fit is great in the top, and the skirt is cute. I do wish it had been maybe an inch or so longer, but ultimately I really like it.

Red Eyebrows: I like the look in spite of myself. I like the way the pairing of the simple cream top (which I found to be well constructed) with the crazy plaid pants. The outfit went together well and went well with the shoes too.

Miranda: She uses the exact same fabric as Red Eyebrows, the two of them are shown back to back on the runway (which we all know was a total coincidence, right?) and yet the two looks could not have been more dissimilar to me. Where I thought Eyebrows did a great job of matching his plaid pant with his top, Miranda's top is both washed out and too busy. The red in the pants matched with the red in the shoes is just atrocious, and for some reason she thought it was a good idea to put her model in a white leather jacket. In fact, I probably could have just said white leather jacket and left you knowing everything you needed to know about the outfit.

Dom: Last week I criticized Dom's dress for being too similar to her look from the Bow Tie challenge. This week I have to say that I was reminded of her carnival look from episode 3. I know that the basic construction and even a lot of the color pallet is different, but every time I looked at the dress I couldn't help but have her previous outfit floating through my mind. I think her dress this week is really young, and this is starting to be the main aspect of her aesthetic, and I do like it, but I can't say that the worries I've started to feel about her have been assuaged.

Justin: Faced with the need to justify Tim saving him last time, Justin created an outfit that was neither stunning nor horrible. I like the harness element of the top, but I think the bust line looks a bit weird, and the bunching of the pants was a bit off putting. I like the pairing of the simple black outfit with those wild and colorful shoes, but I wasn't wowed by his design. He's safe, and I can't claim that that's the wrong choice, but I also can't say that I think the episode was enhanced by him being kept around from last week.

Alexandria: I honestly don't know what to say about this. Personally, I find the look itself to be boring. I like the lace elements, and I like how soft it is, but I'm still left thinking “You had boots with knee pads attached to them, you could have done anything!” And even that I'm not sure about because I do like the pairing of hard and soft that the look provides. I think that Alexandria does a good job of interpreting the challenge, but in the end I'm left with the opinion that the woman who would buy and wear those boots wouldn't also wear that dress.

RHDB: Yawn! And the top of the dress is nothing more than a recreation of the shoe itself.

Dance Beard: Oh you poor guy. This was just a bad move on his part. As much as I respect the amount of work that went into the top, the look is old and dated, the skirt looks cheap, and none of it enhances the shoes. It's another failure from one of my favorites.

Kate: I LOVE THIS! Once again Kate shows why she's such a frontrunner for me. The only bad things I can say about this are that I hate the model's glasses, and I do think that the shoes are kind of swallowed by how overly designed the outfit is, but other than that I love everything about it. I can understand that she might not have embodied the challenge as well as some of the other designers, but this is my favorite look on the runway and I fully expected her to be in the top 3.

Jeremy: Oh you sexy man, you. Jeremy chose the wrong time to go back into old woman mode. This fact is compounded by his choosing a very young and fun shoe for his inspiration. The combination makes for an odd story about a grandmother experiencing a post-mid-life crisis. Failure from another of my favorites....this isn't looking good.

Helen: This, along with Kate's look, is one of the reasons I'm left questioning if I'm totally crazy or if the judges are. Allow me to first say that I generally hate capes. I find them to be one of those odd Fashiony things that have no real practical appeal, exist no where but on the runway, and almost always make a dress look much older than intended. As such, I was not impressed at all by Helen's look. I found it old, and boring, but exceptionally well made. If she set out to prove that she could create something that was well tailored, then I think she succeeded, but by no means did I think this was a top 3 dress.

So Helen, ToKen, and Alexandria are in the top, Jeremy, Dance Beard, and Miranda are in the bottom. Three (fairly boring in my opinion) little black dresses find themselves being spotlit by the judges, while three honest failures are rightfully in the bottom. But I still don't get it. Almost everyone says they wish the had Helen's look to wear, Zac tells Jeremy that he's not sure he knows anything about who Jeremy is as a designer or what his particular skills are, and everyone's way too excited for ToKen's use of the term “man-eater.” I just don't get a lot of the judging.

Helen wins, Miranda goes home and I'm left thinking that this is a very boring and rote episode of Project Runway. There was nothing surprising about it, and nothing to be outraged over. When you see Miranda in the bottom alongside two generally strong contenders like Jeremy and Dance Beard, you know who's going home. Who the winner will be might be a bit more shaded in mystery, but that's only because none of the top looks really stand out as obvious winners. I guess there's nothing really to take away from the episode as a whole other than the question of how will Jeremy and Dance Beard bounce back from this rare but monumental disaster on their parts and still make it to the end of the competition? Or will they find themselves going home well before I ever thought possible?

Stray Observations:

--Did anyone else notice how disgusted Anne looked with every single dress that walked down the runway? She basically hated everything and thought it should die.

--Jeremy seems to have gotten a bit of a big head after his recent successes. Maybe this week will do a good job of bringing him back to earth so he can create more beautiful things in the future. If he gets into a rhythm of being in the bottom and then bouncing back for two weeks in the top before falling again... I honestly didn't have a second part for that statement but it felt like it should be an if/then kind of thing.

--Dom: Wait who's top and who's bottom? (The number of time's I've asked that very question.)