I think we all felt this way by the end of the episode.
Every Project Runway All-Stars host starts to reach a sort of middling stride mid-season. Alyssa Milano is starting to really loosen up compared to when she began. It's almost like the producers were watching the dailies and told her to be more natural, and she finally figured out how. While she still doesn't have the dominating presence that we've come to expect from Frau Klum, Alyssa is starting to loosen up in front of the camera and become an interesting figure. Her faux accent is starting to slip a little. And, her teeth are unclenching. And, she's starting to feel fun.
Which is good because we're bringing back one of the most famous challenges ever, you guys! Maybe some of you don't remember this challenge, but we're bringing back the unconventional challenge! ZOMG! I remember seeing this like 2 months ago, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it! It was so hard when they had to go to like a wallpaper store and a hardware store. Or, maybe they had to go to Coney Island and cut up animals. Or, maybe...anyways, we haven't seen this challenge in awhile, and it's back! ZOMG. Be still my beating heart!
Bur, what is our challenge, outside of an unconventional challenge? Well, we have to take a trip to find out...in a SCHOOL BUS! Immediately, my gay ass starts worrying that this is going to be an anti-bullying episode, because I spent my time on the school bus blasting KMFDM and Nine Inch Nails at volumes that pierced everybody else's ear drums. Immediately the designers start fucking around on the school bus. And, they're being taken to PS 212, some school in NYC. So, it's not an anti-bullying after school special, but it is a mad dash challenge, in the vein of that time they tore up their apartments in the first episode. They have 4 minutes to get everything, and...
Oh, fuck...Pansear. Really? You have to bring the bullying? I know it's uncouth for me to say, because solidarity and I was bullied and blah blah blah but...*sigh*. So, because of the bullying, we know that Pansear is not going home because emotional backstory = stay. But, then we have the fight between Korto and Necktat for who's going home as they're both revealing a bit much in the asides. And, a little bit of Mychael. And, they're all starting to make really REALLY ugly shit.
I've also really been in love with Korto's revealing. Every time, she's like "Bitches, I'm here for the money. Why the fuck am I here?" This time, she's revealing its all about her daughter and growing her business to provide for her child. And, Awwww. But, she still doesn't want to be here. Meanwhile, Pansear is still ranting about bullying. And, he'll not stop until the runway.
During Zanna's consultations, she's all worried about the outfits that she should be worried about, and enthusiastic about some of the ones she also should be worried for. Korto's look starts out looking like a rejected costume from Hackers, but then we see her start doing shit with rubber bands that starts making it look like a homemade Marching Band outfit. And, Zanna is worried about Mychael's progress because he hasn't done much of anything, and insult's Necktat lego foam dress. And, ooooooof. There's the origins of some serious ugly in the room. And, then there's a twist. Because PS 212 isn't a commercial tie in, this is the Mary Kay tie in episode, where two people consult on makeup whose advice seems to get ignored the next day.
And, soon its time to go to runway, where I fully expect to see Dan "I have 2 shirts" Savage representing It Gets Better because, well, bullying and high school. Instead, we get the fantastic Gabourey Sidibe, from Precious, the New York high school movie about bullying in the inner city. And, also Michael Urie, who was in...um...*checks IMDB* Partners and Ugly Betty. He also directed He's Way More Famous Than You...which, um... Poor guy. Maybe he was the one who replaced Dan Savage.
Anyways, Runway.
Irina: I hate to admit it...this was my favorite look on the runway today. It was over the top pink and princessy, which is a total departure for Irina, but its well made and it doesn't entirely look like it was made from other materials. It looks like some weird combination of a little girl's fantasy dress and 80s pop summer gone to France. I just...I hate loving it. But, it's so awesome.
Pansear: He totally trainspotted Mychael's look from last week. It's hard plastic armor which is kind of transformer-y, and armor-y. But, it's border costume for me.
Korto: What...the...fuck. At least she realizes it isn't good. But, seriously, she started out so modern with bright orange lines and complicated curves, and then she ended up with an elementary thanksgiving pageant apron like thing. It's...it's fucking awful, and an eyesore.
Elena: Made another color blocked android-esque sci-fi look. Remember how I said Pansear's looked border costume? This is total costume to me. I think this would be in one of those cheap sci-fi pornographic movies where the costumer had like $40 and one day to make an outfit. ... Oh.
Necktat: Stripper at a hot dog stand at an Indian Casino.
Viktor: I like this one too, but I have always had an issue with dresses that look like you just glued things to a base fabric. It's almost cheating. Though, it looks like the cooler version of Justin's showstopper last season, outside the plastic chunky pieces.
Mychael: I'm sorry. I can't be mean to this. Poor guy. Have at it commenters.
So, the judging this week is whack again. Seth Aaron who has one of the worst looks on the runway is safe, and Irina, who had the best look, is also safe. But, neither Gabby nor Urie have much interesting to say. I love Gabby's way of looking at clothing, but they didn't have much intelligent to say. Michael Urie compares the boobies on Elena's dress to Rosie from The Jetsons, which...no. She was flat, honey. What were you fantasizing about as a pubescent boy?
But, the most entertaining part of this episode besides Korto's "I don't need to be here" moments, is Necktat's volcano of bullshit. "I never got from this that we were supposed to do something that was wearable. I heard something to the effect of 'flex your creative muscle.' And, this to me was an anime girl, in a sundress, mid-twirl." AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Elena's impression of McKayla Maroney was fucking priceless. I think she did it better than McKayla (sorry!).
Necktat's volcano of bullshit is only matched by the finale where nobody loses. WHAT?! I know people struggled, but there was some serious ugly on this runway, and not even all of the bad looks were out there. Seth Aaron's look is atrocious. And, just...omg, you guys...what? *drink* And, of course, the bullying outfit wins. Heartstrings pulled.
Stray Observations:
- Viktor (I think): "I refuse to do children."
- Viktor's Non-Zinger Zing of the week: "We don't need no twist, thankyouverymuch!...zan-na." *gestures with finger*
- No, Elena, Lady Gaga wasn't around 10 years ago, and no you didn't design for her 10 years ago.
- Zanna (to Irina) "It's definitely the pretty corner over here." Irina: "............" (translated: Don't make me cut you.)
- What the hell does Alyssa Milano have on during the runway? PLEATS?!!? I'm about to go on a fashion rage.
- Isaac: "I felt a little manipulated by Pansear's bullying story." Me: "Just like I was manipulated by your martini story." No, Isaac, you're not gonna live that down until you do some good judging this season.
WHAT?! No. You've had a really rough 5 days. WE'VE had a really rough two weeks.
And, so, this episode begins with a lie and then a slap in the face. Apparently, Isaac Mizrahi was one week off with his critique. When he said "This is a slap in the face to the woman wearing this dress. What if she wanted to drink a martini??" he really thought we were in the martini challenge, you guys. Not really, but it was a complete slap in the face to jump from the worst criticism ever to a challenge that totally embodies that criticism.
Which totally mirrors how I experienced this episode. I had just caught up with The Daily Show's Wednesday critique of Jay Z losing his street cred by sticking with Barney's over arresting the kid who paid for the $350 belt because the kid was black. And, then I'm faced with today's product marketing where the designers get stuck in Jay Z's 40/40 club, which has a hot white bartender, and boring, probably expensive, drinks.
OK, the 40/40 drinks are not totally boring, but they are just pseudo-classic "artisanal" drinks (read hipster drinks) made with cheap liquor. For instance, on a freeze frame of Korto's drink, Summer, the vodka they use is Stolichanya. Which...*SCREAM* If you'll indulge me for a brief few paragraphs, I'm going to get a little political on you. Feel free to skip.
Starting in July, the gays decided to dump Stoli and any Russian vodka. We banned it from many of our bars. We banned it from our homes, and it is surely not going to pass in our gay-themed shows without comment. The ban on Stoli probably started a couple weeks after this episode was aired, so I'm not going to get all activisty "ZOMG, Project Runway is sponsoring Russian vodka and is an enemy of the gays." But, I will tell you that this is a reaction to Putin's anti-gay policies, and the level of violence that is escalating in Russia over the past year. Among his policies are a ban on gay "propaganda" which can include kissing or holding hands in the street.
The reason this is significant is that us gays love to drink. And, I mean...we LOVE to drink. And, we drink a LOT of vodka. When I went to an Oscar fundraiser, they ran out of vodka a couple hours into the show. So, us dumping one brand of vodka is kind of significant, especially given the popularity of Stoli and its flavored vodkas. Now, I'm not saying that my readers are necessarily pro-gay, but if you're watching Project Runway I kind of have to assume you have a mild tolerance of us. And, especially in this comment section...which is like whoa. Anyways, I just needed to take that paragraph or two to say that...back to the show.
So, we're at the stupid Jay Z club, and we're being served pseudo-artisanal cocktails made by a generically hot white guy, Yusef. The cocktails has a mix of names from Spotted Plum to Summer to Tiger Eye. Some of the names you kind of expect to be generic looking, like the Hemingway which I would imagine would look something like an Old Fashioned. But, a Tiger Eye I would hope would have something like a complicated layered drink effect. But, no. These are all just shaker drinks. And, the Tiger Eye is pale celery color. Now what I would think of as a Tiger Eye. The only interesting one is Seth Aaron's Hemingway which had a huge chunk of orange peel.
And, so, these boring-looking drinks serve as the inspiration for this week's cocktail dress challenge. Fuck I need a drink.
The next morning - wait...they closed down the 40/40 club for the shooting of the intro? Or, did they get kicked out in an hour and go to bed early? I'm so confused - our intrepid designers hit mood with a fresh $100 in their pockets to make a fancy cocktail dress. $100 is not much based on previous episodes. And, with the lower budget we get some interesting choices, like Pansear choosing curtains. Or, Korto's decision to go with a loud plaid-esque green print.
And, this episode is actually really nicely heavy on the construction details. I love this aspect of All-Stars. I like watching Viktor start to deconstruct his gorgeous cathedral print by making patterns based in part on the architecture and the gables is a fascinating insight. I like listening to Necktat's inspiration of Vietnamese dresses from the basis of his drink having passion fruit.
But, my favorite part is Pansear's debate on how to make a dress with a sheer non-fabric without showing off vagina and nipples. He created a wrap, but it got heavy and tableclothy. Then he started double layering nude chiffon under the curtain fabric.
My second favorite is Korto. "ALL MY FANS..." Yeah yeah, we're sorry for bring you back, Korto. But, she's not going with the color of the cocktail which she describes as "dingy, mudgly kind of dream." And, she's not going safe because "the safe house is locked up and she lost the key."
This episode also focuses on how everybody is trainspotting. Necktat says that Korto's dress is trainspotting Isaac's 2011 summer line. Pansear says that Melissa (who is so boring I can't even think up a defining characteristic) is trainspotting herself. Elena says that Viktor trainspotted Alexander McQueen. And, this is completely hilarious because apparently, in an edited out comment - according to somebody on the TWOP forums and brought out in reddit - Anya called out Necktat for trainspotting Martin Margiela (thanks for the tip, Origami Rose (the user, but probably not Venbot).
And, then we get the twist. Dudes, really?! We're in a 60-minute episode. Zanna Roberts Rossi decides to throw in an accessory challenge. *sigh* No, Zanna. That was PR's other spinoff, Project Accessory. *sigh* What the hell?! The audience doesn't care about the accessory, and neither does anybody else. All it does is serve to fill in the run time and make everybody panic. Boooooo. We don't care.
Soo, after making a bunch of shitty looking accessories, we're off to runway! This week's judges are NOT ANYA! But, really, its accessory designer Rebecca Minkoff, and interior designer Nate Berkus. It should not be noted that Berkus' appearance was probably in anticipation of a new series that so far has not been aired, nor had a date set for it.
Runway: Irina: Garish. It's like Jay Z's nightclub vomited onto the dress. It is gold and silver, but it is garishly patterned, almost like linoleum. That and its cheap plastic sheen makes it looks trashy and hideous. It's very bling bling gone wrong.
Pansear: Elegant, classic, and timeless. Sort of like a flapper dress but with jewels on the back which brings it into the Jay Z bling bling land. It's gorgeously nude, and I am in love.
Mychael: HELP! His model was caught in a shredder! And, the dress won!
Necktat: Kind of like a pomegranate champagne. It looks like a cocktail to me. It's a simple easy dress that is rather safe with garish jewels attached at the neck. It's like an Asian dominatrix.
Elena: It's way too long for a cocktail dress, and reads like futuristic officewear to me. Sort of the type of outfit, one would find in a Heinlein sci-fi novel/erotic fantasy (which, really, are the same thing).
Melissa: It's the awful version of her old dresses...only more floppy with a weird yellow callout in the small of her back. "She would go to a cocktail party, and many girls would stop to ask her what she was wearing." - Melissa. I agree. "What ARE you wearing, darling?"
Korto: No. It's a weird dress that looks like it had a baby with a weightlifting belt, a back brace and a fetish harness. Even without the gigantic belt, it looks stupid.
Zinger: A gorgeous dress with a trampy slit at her hoo-ha. I'm going to say it again. HOO HA!
Anyways, Alyssa is using Project Runway to fill her closet. Never mind that the winning designs are sometimes auctioned off. Alyssa wants it. Fuck you if you wanted it, she's the host, and she'll beat you down while wearing her executioner hood if you try to challenge her for it.
Most of the judging is reasonable. Especially Nate Berkus, who tells Elena that she's trainspotting Balenciaga and Narciso. Elena, Pansear and Zinger are in the top three (all justifiably). Necktat, Melissa and Korto are in the bottom. I would have switched Necktat for Irina, but you know... Of course, Isaac has to have his absurd fixation of the episode with Pansear's dress back, which is wrong. It's what brought the dress into the now. And, he's probably the reason that Pansear wasn't the official winner for making a flawless dress. But, both Pansear and Zinger's dress end up in Alyssa's closet, while Melissa goes home for her mess of a dress.
Stray Observations:
- Viktor "We're walking to the 40/40 club and I've never been there and I'm like OMG, today's the fir*squeal*." Closed captions tell me that he said "first day" but I don't believe it.
- Viktor "What's your drink?"
Elena: "Sardinia."
Viktor: "Like the fish-a?"
No, like the island.
- Pansear: "I'm a homosexual. I would not want to see hoo-ha." I am really glad hoo-ha is still a nickname for va-jay-jay.
- Viktor's non-zinger of the Week: "Cocktail dresses are supposed to be easy going. But, her dress is more like "Oooo, you're going to an eskimo party." According to Urban Dictionary, an eskimo party is either a musical trio or inserting ice cubes to help with anal sex. Um...Zing?
- Alyssa Milano's TMI of the Week: "I have too much back fat."
Ok, guys. This is it. We got all of those silly introductions out of the way, and we only have 60 minutes (minus commercials) to get through the episode. Let's get down to business. Challenge, sewing, drama, models, makeup, runway. Let's make it snappy, people!
Let's...
Oh...
Ok, Melissa saying that the competition is crazy hard. Well, that's the usual Project Runway thing. But, within 2 minutes we're already inside the New York Museum of Natural History. Yay, we're through the product placement within the 3rd minute. And, we've even gotten Curly Moustache Guy saying "I'm going home" "I'm from Texas."
The challenge? To create, in one day, an avant garde look based on an insect, or arachnid. Today, I learned that a scorpion is actually an arachnid. I was going to be all snarky and "scorpions aren't arachnids or insects, silly Project Runway." But, I had to double check because I hate biology, and they are arachnids! *the more you know*
While typing all that up, we're already 8 minutes into the episode, and we're in the work room. Jeez this episode is going so fas...wait...
We have time to fawn over work room. With Mychael Knight commenting to us such mind-boggling information as "It's bigger than Mood" and "I love the colors." Or, Christopher Palu helpfully adding "Our tables are all set up. There's a sewing room that's attached. It's really nice." We see that the walls are done in a shade of blue-purple that has been dubbed, on Wiki at least, as either Pomp and Power or Dark Pastel Purple. But, really, its almost a grey. And, the stripes don't help it.
We're also introduced to the QVC accessory wall that Viktor describes as "AMAZING. There's necklace, cuffs, bags, shoes..." Probably also belts, earrings, hair pieces... You know, accessories! And, he finishes with "Anything a girl would like" and then makes a hand motion around his neck that makes me think he has confused a girl with an octopus. No, Viktor, girls have boobs, not neck tentacles.
Korto is still on her "Why the fuck am I here" rant. She comments, "I got to go back to Africa, and design for their President as well as Vanessa Williams, Miss Universe, Estelle, Serena Lopez...Mama's not done, and yet I'm here?!!? Jesus fuck why did you guys bring me back here. Assholes."
So, 10 minutes in (and no commercials!), we're actually at the design...until Elena freaks out and has sweaty armpits. But, nobody gives a shit, really. "Drama, please? Did you even see ToKen last season? You'll have to do better than having moist armpits." And, then we get to actually look at a bit of the design and tension. We get lots of shots of people cutting, and pinning, and expressing frustrations. Viktor zings us with "I'm about to turn into Elena," and is edit punctuated by Elena doing her best Gene Simmons impression. *zing!* And, NeckTat gives us this episode's next round of name droppings saying he used to design for Marilyn Manson.
Zanna Roberts Rossi comes in and breathlessly explains that avant garde means "pushing boundraries, experimental, innovative, and super daring." Take note. This is important. But, then Zanna speeds through everybody's critique. My favorite comment is to NeckTat, "You have a LOT of ideas." And, then to Korto, "This is pants and a jacket. How is this gonna win the challenge?" And, she finished up with "this is really not avant garde enough. From all of you." Note this. This is important.
Two people re-design based on Zanna's commentary. The first is Michael, who had gone completely Green, and decided to flip it and go into neutral grey with green highlights. The second is Melissa, who decided to second guess her whole outfit...but doesn't change anything?
Elena decides to lose it for the rest of the episode. Screaming, walking, crying, everything. She took the crazy challenge, and she kind of nails it without being all angry aggressive. Somebody, give this woman a medal. We need more of her self-inflicted-psychosis high drama, and less of the angry at other people drama. I mean, she goes screaming through the sewing room, through the work room, crying the next day while finishing her dress. It's an amazing performance, and she manages to do it without yelling at anybody. She even gets her model AND Viktor to help her finish her dress. Good job.
Fittings, product calling, etc. And, now runway.
Special Guest judge #1: accessory designer Jennifer Meyer who turned Katie Holmes, Emma Stone and Jennifer Aniston into loyal clients. Please note that at least Katie Holmes is wearing a necklace. That is the only visible accessory in the name dropping client picture collection.
Special Guest judge #2: Friend of the family, ANYA?!!? NOOOOOOOO! A shoo-in!!! Remember how we said her season was rigged? She's back to rub it in! Fuck you! *ahem*
And, remember how I pointed out the definitions of avant garde, well Alyssa Milano really hammers it home by saying, "we're looking for something really unique."
And, Show:
Seth Aaron: Fetish Maid at a goth bar's amateur fashion show. *snooooooze*
Mychael: It's a cute grey neoprene dress with a cute shawl that has some interesting cuts to it that make it green. There's nothing strange about the dress. It's a little ultra-modern.
CMG: An interesting brown dress with a bizarre neckline that is strangling his model. It looks somewhat cheap, but he did it with $250 and in one day. It at least is risky.
Korto: "I'm gonna make a biker outfit with more things attached."
NeckTat: It's like Rorschach decided to go on a bender and ended up with a lampshade on his head, only it was too big and ended on his shoulders. It's strange, and it's avant garde evoking war imagery and violence. I love it and hate it, which means I think it is the most interesting piece so far.
So, up until now, it's been amateur hour. Everything has been kind of interesting, but ultimately really snoozy. Suddenly...the runway becomes a different show.
Viktor: An strange avant garde super hero gown that looks like it may have been a costume out of Batman and Robin. It's sort of Poison Ivy if she had been white and green instead of red and green. It definitely borders costume, but it is interesting.
Palu: It's high fashion from the 1990s vision of 2050. It's boxy and techy looking. It's interesting but expected.
Irina: Gothy avant garde that reflects the darkness of her soul. It's pointy, sharp, black, gothic with runway styling and dramatic, and everything that avant garde should be taken to a dark dark place. I love the fuck out of this look.
Elena: She makes an alien androgynous, edgy look that is hard and feminine and looks like its from a rock show.
And, then we get Alyssa being a sly little minx and calling people in 3s and 2s. First three names, then "you will be critiqued." Then two names and "you will be safe." Repeat. *wink*
But, the judging goes weird. Irina, Elena, and Mychael are on the top. CMG, NeckTat, and Melissa are on the bottom. The criticisms for NeckTat, in particular, are almost their own Rorschach test. Isaac thinks the woman should be able to drink a martini. Anya thinks it is a backup dancer look. Georgina says the lampshade looks clumsy (correct). Alyssa thinks that the hood was appropriate for the bedroom *cracks whip*.
And, they loved Mychael's conventionally unconventional look. They liked how it looked expensive. Mychael won, and CMG loses (based on his taste level). Seriously? Melissa's boring-ass look doesn't lose over CMG's cheap-looking insect dress? And, this is where we are with judging...
Stray Observations
- Palu on NeckTat's concept: "It's a cool concept...............ish?"
- Moustache: "The model gets it. She gets the avant garde. She gets the strange." Who cares?
OK gang, here we are in Season 3 of the Project Runway spin-off All-Stars. And, this season we have a motley crew of former contestants, some of whom I barely even remembered. But, since I still have the copy of the coffee table book from the library, and All-Stars only had 60 minutes this episode (more on that later), let's go through the cast. Feel free to skip down to my "..." as this is just a huge gigantic info dump.
Upon doing a little bit of research, season 3 wasn't even covered by AV Club. This is the before time. Jeffrey Sebelia, season 3's winner, was a relatively new father back then, and he was also a rocker with a huge prominent neck tat. His final was really slick and cool when it wasn't inspired by a picnic blanket. For the most part it was easy, stylish, and half of it still looks timeless. Mychael Knight was the fan favorite of season 3, and his final collection was the right around the time of the urban blaxploitation 70s revival.
Highlights:
- Also from Season 2: Laura Bennett and Uli Herzner
- Season 3 had the first everyday woman challenge (though Season 2 had the designers design for each other). As such, the women were the designers' family. Yes, Jeffrey was the one who made another designers' mom cry.
- Laura and Mychael both accused Jeffrey of getting help with the construction of his final collection. The producers deemed this to be unfounded
Korto Momolu's designs had been very tribal and inspired by Africa. Her whole collection reflected by her African and urban tastes rendered in a high end, almost beachy, style. But, Leanne won with her one-note-ish collection of petals. Korto was fan favorite though.
Highlights:
- Also from Season 5: Leanne Marshall, Kenley Collins, and Suede
- Drag Queens on the runway! (Man, I really REALLY miss the drag queen challenge)
- Korto designing a "hip hop" look for Leanne, and having LL Cool J shut that design down
Season 6
Irina Shavayeva, Winner, 3 series wins
Does anybody even remember this season with any fondness? Irina was like what Alexandria of Season 12 wanted to be. Her collection was dark, punky and gothy while still being rather high fashion and never boring. It was cold and icy in all the best ways. That said, not many people liked it.
Highlights:
- Also on Season 6: Althea Harper and Gordana Gehlhausen
- First and ONLY season to be filmed in Los Angeles
- First season on Lifetime, and first season under Bunim-Murray
- Bob Mackie outfit!
- This was the season of the redone wedding dress.
Season 7
Seth Aaron Henderson, Winner, 2 series wins
Amelie Gilette dubbed Seth Aaron as Ed Grimley in the finale. Seth Aaron had had a Hot Topic aesthetic for much of the season, and pulled out a Dita Von Teese runway full of edgy leather and gothic touches while still remaining stylish.
Highlights:
- Also on Season 7: Emilio Sosa Mila Hermanovski (color blocking!) and Anthony Williams
- Little kid and mom challenge?
Season 8
Ari South (formerly Andy South), Finalist, 1 series win
Andy South was an urban, edgy, designer. His final collection was space age urban that was kind of monochromatic but still felt like it would have been great for a 1960s Italian Space Opera a la Barbarella. And, really, they were railroading Gretchen from day one, with Nina finally getting her way to everybody's dismay.
Highlights:
- Also on Season 8: Gretchen, Mondo, Michael Costello (yeah, it was THAT season)
- 90 Minutes format
- Hats, hats hats
- John Teti's first review season on AV Club
Season 9
Viktor Luna, Finalist, 1 series win
Viktor was the consummate seamstress. Really, everything he made was impeccable, if a little boring. But, his final collection was borderline edgy, but so meticulous that it bordered boring. I liked it more than most of the other commentors on AV, but what are you gonna do? Anya was railroaded for the win this season.
Highlights:
- OWL!!!
- Also on: Anya, Bert, Josh M (aka Big Gay Josh), Olivier
- Olivier asking Tim what Double D's were
- Big bear rock band standing around in their underwear
Christopher Palu, Finalist, 4 series wins
Elena came in on a wave of androgynous eastern-block punk/goth overly butch designs, and failed to impress anybody. At all. Christopher Palu was the sweetest most squeezably adorable gay dude on the series. And, his designs for the final collection were totally average ready-to-wear. And, Melissa was even more boring San Francisco ready to wear. They were both snoozefests in their final.
Highlights:
- Also on: Dimitry (winner?!), Origami Rose and Fabio (gypped!!!)
- Fundraising
- Candy!
- Rockettes
Season 11
Daniel Esquivel, 13th episode elimination, 2 series wins
Dali Moustache from Austin was weird and we all thought he had good taste in the beginning, but then he fumbled. And, as he fumbled, it was totally represented by his hair. The lower he got, the worse his hair got, until his elimination in Finale, Part 1, where his crazy hair was craziest. And, his mini collection was old lady jackets.
- Also on: Portland, Kate, and Tu
- Team based season
...
Project Runway All-Stars has a cold open tonight, introducing us to 11 different designers and the new host in 5 minutes. Remember how in the last episode of Season 12 of Project Runway, which aired IMMEDIATELY BEFORE this episode, the designers complained that they were cast to fit into characters? Tim Gunn denied this. Well, all of these designers are pretty much introduced by their characters.
Elena: Megabitch.
Palu: "I'm here to sew stitches and cut bitches."
Ari: Transexual (RISKY!).
Mychael Knight: Chip-on-shoulder.
Viktor Luna: Reality Show Talking Head.
Daniel Esquivel: Austin Moustache.
Jeffrey Sebalia: Rocker turned hipster
Irena: Megabitch #2
Seth Aaron: EGO!
Korto: Fan Favorite Revenge Story
Melissa: Apologetic
Really, dear readers, this is how Project Runway re-introduces us to the All Star designers. Not by their fashion. Barely by their position. But, by their personalities. No, its never about their personalities, right? Ugh. So so ugh. But, this is a 60 minute episode, and this all happens in 5 minutes.
TITLE CARD!!!
And, so begins our journey into season 3 of Project Runway All-Stars, aka The Quest For More Money. Since this series was actually The Quest To Give Mondo The Win, it's never taken as seriously as Project Runway prime.
This season, we get two changes. The first is the host. Gone is everybody's least favorite Angela Lindvall, who had all the personality of a bowl of oatmeal. Our new host? Saman...er, Alyssa Milano. She has more personality than Miss Oatmeal, but what I can't get over is her accent. Ah well, it is so much better than what we had, so I can't really complain. The second change comes later.
Tonight's product placement? Debbie Harry and Blondie. She's introduced as the queen of punk, or some rot. But, really, if you've ever listened to people in the scene back then they all knew she was going to sell out for success first. And, while she makes good pop rock music, by the time she was successful she was so far from punk it wasn't even funny. And, listen to the clip. It's so generic adult electro, I'm bored by it. Snooooooze. And, punk should never be boring. *seeeeeethe*
Sorry...
The challenge is to design a punk rock look, and they have to design at Mood. I wonder if this is because of the delay in season 12's final episode, where they suddenly got a extra day in the last non-finale episode. It seems like it would be rough for Mood, as they have to close the basement for a whole day, but maybe nobody uses the basement? We see fabrics and shit all around them. And, supposedly this is to make everything feel more DIY and punk.
If I had my way, they'd send the designers to a consignment shop, like Value Village, first to buy some fashion and then have it be a transformative punk challenge. Because, really, that's what punk is about. It's about the re-appropriation of elements and using them in ways that they should never look in a down and dirty way to say fuck you to the establishment. It's down and dirty.
But, the designers have to create a design from scratch. What's impressive is that, in this 60 minute episode we get a lot of design compared to drama, but we're also down to 60 minutes and have 11 designers, so we get flashes. Viktor has a promising look of chaotic grommets. There are jackets.
Now we get the second change for this season. Our favorite ice queen mentor Joanna Coles has been replaced by Zanna Roberts Rossi. Zanna is nicer and sweeter, but she seems really soft for being a mentor. What makes Tim Gunn work is that he's completely direct. He has a warm personality, but he takes no shit and rarely minces words. Zanna seems like she's not direct, and is trying to nudge the designers from their terrible intentions instead of showing them the way. Joanna Coles would just be like No.
Throughout the episode, we get a wide range of what some people think punk might be. Elena likes the new wave/no wave era of punk when it was the origins of all things 80s. Seth Aaron thinks Korto's look is bad because it doesn't have anything hard, and thus isn't punk at all. Some say its DIY. Some say its thrown together. Ari thinks it is street. This episode seems to be trying to turn punk into a buzzword instead of a series of movements that started in the working classes of the 1970s. Or, it is displaying the brutality of this episode as it is all about appropriating a rebellious movement against the system and making it into high end fashion. I don't mean to get preachy you guys, but punk was always against this type of thing.
The final prize:
- Custom capsule collection on QVC
- A fashion spread in Marie Claire and a year as contributing editor
- A computer
- A year's supply of spring water,
- Trip for two to Southeast Asia (what? Is this The Price is Right?!)
- Free hair styling and photography for a year
- Makeup
- A couple sewing machines
- $150,000
No comment.
Runway:
Necktat: Its a deconstructed dress and a leather jacket. The bottom is straight out of Fight Club with the wedding dress Marla Singer wears. The top is 1980s punk, and too finished to be punk. And, I'm bored.
Palu: Color blocking. It is really polished and trying to give it a harder look. He struggled with his best instincts, and it came out looking OK. Not punk, but not finished either.
Irena: This is 80s hair metal bordering punk. To me, this was the most badass dress on the runway. It was hard, and hard and hard. I loved this look, but it says metal a little more than punk.
Viktor: Punk goes high end. The challenge was to marry punk to a high end fashion look. Where Necktat made a look that was really punk, but not so much high end, Viktor makes a look that was like the punk is going to work at a fashion magazine.
Dali Moustache: This made me laugh. He literally took high end fashion and strapped something punk to it. It's hilarious. It mocks the judges, and the demands. And, for that reason, its really fuck you punk. I love the shit out of it.
Elena: Sloppy neon straight jacket worn backwards. The jacket is witty, but it feels too 80s costume to me. It's like New Wave (which Blondie was a part of) without going modern. But, this is exactly what we were expecting out of Elena in her original season. It's masculine clothing on a female thatmakes it ripe for genderfuckery. I like the jacket.
Ari: It's high end, modern (almost pomo), with great design and a polished look. It has punk around the edges (like the sleeves and shorts).
Mychael: High end fashion made for an urban woman. He has an eye that is so far from punk. But, it looks good.
Melissa: Change the hair, and its kind of meh. The back is amazing and off. The front is so boring though.
Seth Aaron: Designed for Nicki Minaj. This is pure awesome rap. This is not punk to me. "I'm a badass, but I have money and I'm growing up." - THAT'S NOT PUNK! That's empire.
In the end, everybody tells what they think punk is. From street to leather jackets, to bondage to not caring to anarchy. Debbie Harry sounds a bit drunk or on luudes, and monotously says "this isn't punk" or "I kind of love it." It's sort of royal queen of sellout. Now, I may be coming down hard on Debbie Harry, which is only mildly unfair because I like her music. But, I've always taken a bit of ick to her being associated with punk so hard.
Anyways, Elena wins this one. And, Ari goes home. Goodbye transexual designer. You made an amazing, but non punk outfit. I had a bit of thought that you would not be long for this season because transsexual is edgy, but I didn't think you'd be out first, and not on an outfit as impeccable as that.
It's going to be a rough season, you guys.
Stray Observations:
- Necktat on QVC: "That's sort of the dream of every designer. If you can reach the demographic that QVC reaches...you're set."
At the risk of going all TLo on you readers, I just wanted to show this total WTF show coming out of LA's Fashion week.
If you don't know who Marco Marco is, he's a fashion designer who normally designs for pop culture icons (think Nicki Minaj and Katy Perry). Apparently he will be coming out with a line of men's underwear (borderline NSFW), and had a show in LA's fashion week to introduce that, as well as his line of women's clothes.
The result is batshit crazy. I'm not joking at all. Drag queens (largely from RuPaul's Drag Race) and male models in high heels. It's just...wow. It's the modern equivalent of the 80s, and we'll all be laughing in 10 years. I mean, that's the LA scene, right? But, for now, I highly recommend searing your eyeballs on this (probably NSFW) wonder show of wow.
Dear readers, I'm sorry. I didn't realize there would be a reunion special. It is really trying to recap a recap. I mean, the majority of the episode was
Tim Gunn: Why were you all such bitches?
[clip showing designers being assholes]
Designers: Who me?
Tim Gunn: Yeah, you. Are you that dense?!
Of all of the Project Runway reunions I have watched, this is one of the most "picking open the wounds" episodes I have seen.
However, there was a really good moment having to do with calling out the producers of the show for the editing, casting and selection. Unfortunately, Tim Gunn is the host of this episode, and also an executive producer, and also has to come to the defense of the show. But, I just want to call attention to the segment because it really is showing the lengths that Project Runway is going to try to knock down the criticisms of the viewers.
For seasons, the reviewers have always said that the judges have their favorites and preferred aesthetics. Justin was Tim Gunn's favorite. Alexandria was Heidi Klum's favorite. Helen was Nina Garcia's favorite. This was obvious. We all know this.
Tim shows his hand a bit, though. "And, if this show were rigged, Mondo Guerra would have won Season 8." No. I'm sorry Tim, but that's never EVER been the accusation. The accusation has always been: "If the show was NOT rigged, Mondo Guerra would have won season 8. BECAUSE this show was rigged, Anya Gretchen (thanks Citric for correction) won Season 8, and Mondo Guerra was given a whole new spin off series to win: All Stars."
Really, any reality show viewer worth their salt recognizes that personalities are put on show in no small part because of their personalities. Within a few episodes we are pretty sure who the last 6 are going to be. And, the order before that is part due to personalities.
Stray Observations:
- Captain Sassypants' explanation of his anger issues: "I express myself differently."
- Cryface: "I just want to be taken seriously in the industry. And, wait, really? Oh wait. We can't hire here. She's a drama queen. She breaks down all the time."
- Drag Eyebrows: "I come from an industry where you get 300-400 hours for a garment and make it to last."
- Captain Sassypants (on regrets): "I would have come into this season with a professional mindset."
...
Ed's Note:
Project Runway All Stars is moving to Friday evening reviews. When Season 13 of Project Runway comes back, we'll be back to Thursdays. If you prefer it to be written up on Thursdays, please leave me a note in the comments.
Editor
Hey guys! WE MADE IT. This is Project Runaway's first finale! YAYAYAY! And, really, we wouldn't have done it without you. Thanks to you commenters, we saw insights that we've tried to incorporate into the reviews, and we like communicating with you. Hopefully you enjoy us too. Thank you for reading!
Adrian had the brilliant idea to tag team the finale, and I thought it was a great idea. Unfortunately, we're on different coasts, and that three hour difference made it a challenge that we will probably work on. And, unfortunately, I got a little verbose *blush* Sorry Adrian, if I dominated the intro. I couldn't figure out a good way to transition from finishing up the episode to going back through the series. I'm sorry. *meep* Anyways, enough with the disclaimers...on with the show!
Julius
I discovered Project Runway has an official coffee table book. I didn't know this, and don't remember it being advertised all that much when it came out a couple years ago. I learned a bit about why the new seasons feel so rushed compared to seasons of old. Project Runway is filmed only in the summer after Parsons finally gets out of school. Given that they now do 3 seasons a year, they have to film all three seasons over summer. They basically do have 3 weeks to film the whole series. The perception that the designers are basically being worked at a breakneck pace compared to the pace of yesteryear is actually accurate.
Looking back, we see a lot of talent in the old seasons, but there's something interesting about Project Runway. According to Desiree Gruber, originally it was conceived as having seamstresses with the designers. But, the seamstresses would have cost $30,000 per seamstress, totally $360,000. Given that this was one of the first talent-based reality shows, they didn't have the budget for that. And, since it started like that, it probably would have been a cheat if the later seasons had recieved a seamstress when PR finally got those big bucks rolling in (especially if they were spending money wrecking apartments in the first episode!).
In light of that, this is part Project Seamstress, and I think that has hindered their selection a bit. I'm also reading the bio of trash filmmaker Andy Milligan, who started his career as a dress maker in New York in 1960. Even Andy had a stitch bitch as part of his crew, and he only owned a single dress shop. Now, there are a lot of designers who actually are the whole package. But, designers frequently get a stitch bitch fairly quickly if they're designing out of the gate.
In the past, we've had designers of varying talent where designers had strong points of view and they all felt like they would be great winners. And, there were some seriously bitter loses in those days. The loss I'm still bitter over is Chris March's amazing modern goth collection didn't get shown on television. That was all the way back on Season 4. And, he lost to Rami and Christian. It's hard to get bitter over that.
This season has been made up of a wide variety of talent, you guys, For the first time, there were two losses that felt sincerely bitter. The two losses that I thought were rather extreme were Jeremy (aka London), and Kate (who was a 2nd chancer). Jeremy, especially, started out oh so London chic then slowly devolved into this matronly style that seemed like he was designing for a soccer mom. Kate was at the top of her game all season until, somehow, she made an outfit that...um...did the producers drug her drink that week? What the flying fuck was that?
But, if I'm going to be honest with you dear readers, what made this season totally compelling wasn't just that we had actual designers this year, but we also had some serious mental problems on screen this season. There is an interview with a Project Runway producer over at AV Club which brings up Sandro as if he's the craziest one this season. Somehow, in a 2 page interview, there is absolutely no mention of Captain Sassypants, nor his complete lack of a decoy collection. And, yet, you see Sandro in the audience along with Male Portlandia. It's like he just disappeared from existence with the hit of the iron. Maybe the owl took him away. While I'm being totally honest in that the serious mental problems did kind of make the season compelling, I do think we need to tone down the rage. We need more enironmental crazy people like our crazy unicorn Sustainidiot, and fewer rageaholics like Angry Warrior Freddy Merkovitch and Captain Sassypants.
Project Runway, this year, has also shown some more of the process of sewing. In flashes, at least. I have tried to take the time out to call out these flashes because, as a designer I want to see more of these low-drama moments that actually have more of the designers working out their problems without crying *ahem*Helen*ahem* or throwing fits.
Adrian
I hate to say it, you guys, but Project Runway has a problem. While it tends to do beginnings fairly well, I don't think it's really learned to knock the endings out of the park. The last couple episodes tend to be slow and unexciting. The visits home never really provide any drama and they tend to offer up very little reason to watch at all. The finales, which should be every show's crowning jewel, are often either predictable or just boring.
In an attempt to remedy this, the producers decided to throw a last minute challenge at the designers. I can't stress enough how much I think this was a horrible idea. We get a moodless trip to Mood, pointless scrambling to come up with a new look to replace one of the old looks, and final pieces that are nice but add nothing to anyone's overall collection. I liked the decision to give the designers one more unconventional materials challenge to end off the year (even if it was a bit extreme to have so many of those types of challenges this season), but that only worked because the designers had the entire time dedicated to their collections to come up with a material and a look for it. Bringing them back and asking for another look that simply has to be washable is lazy on the show's part, and very unfair to the competitors. I've watched just about every season of this show; as such I've said these words before and I'm sure I'll say them again before I give up on the show for good, but I'm very disappointed in this development, PR.
Julius
In all fairness, to Project Runway, the one last dress challenge has been ritual. What I truly miss from Project Runway's first season or two, was more of a focus on the whole process of putting on a runway show. In the first season, the designers had to hold auditions with models, and select which models would go with which dress. It made for a completely compelling look into design and styling. Frequently, you hear about designers saying their models are their muse (especially that one season where the designers had the option to steal other designers' models), and you realize that, not only do the designers have to design for themselves, but they have to figure out what will look good on their model in terms of color, fit, proportions, and styling. Overall, it would make a far more compelling look into the world of runway design than having the one last elimination challenge that, I believe, started with Chris March's bitter elimination. *GRRRRRRRRRR*
Adrian:
What I'm not disappointed in, however, are the collections we're graced with. Well most of them at least. I'll leave talking about individual looks to Julius, in favor of just touching on each collection itself.
Justin
(Adrian): I can't help it, I loved it. I mentioned it last week, and I wasn't alone, but I'm really happy that Tim saved him when this is the outcome. When I think that we could have been robbed of the experience of seeing this collection, I can't help but be happy that he's still here. The opening looks were elegant in their simplicity and never crossed into boring for me. The middle section is easily my favorite. The print works amazingly, the cuts of the dresses are all sleek and interesting, and it perfectly conveys the chaos experience he intended. If I have one complaint about the collection it's that I'm not sure I saw a real transition into the third phase of the story. I think the unconventional materials look does a great job of melding the first two phases of the story into one look that conveys grace and acceptance pretty well, but I think there could have been another look or two to do the same. Either way, he's got my second place collection hands down.
(Julius): I liked this collection. It was clean, quiet, reserved and sophisticated. As an overall effect, he had a great story that was told through the gradual fade from white to grey with full color, then back to white with the integration of an ethereal layer of sound. Then Justin hammers it all home with the unconventional dress that managed to be elegant, metaphorical, and literal all at once. And, the final dress really tied the whole collection together. It was actually a moving collection, that had a story to tell. I had one look I had a problem with. The outfit is the transitional between the first two phases. It was a great transition, but it had some serious issues with that neckline. The rest of the collection was sublime in its simplicity, even if he is consistently terrible with his designs in the bust. The dress everybody, including me, loved with the sound waves down the front had some serious issues with that. Going into all forty looks would be a bit harsh on everybody.
Dom
(Adrian): There's no way in hell that Dom doesn't win this thing. Her collection starts with a bang and it never slows down from there. I will say I wasn't in love with the weird shower curtain jacket from the early look, but she used the effect once again later in a simpler wrap and I loved it. Even the more muted looks speak volumes, and this has a lot to do with her use of prints and color. I know we've been saying this about her all competition long, but it works. It's her signature, and what a fucking signature to have. I even liked the swimsuit; though I did think she could have done without the bag to go with it. And her unconventional materials look was oddly integrated into the collection as a whole. Amid all that color and print, you'd think a dress of solid silver door hinge repair pieces would be out of place, but it wasn't. I can't say enough good things about this collection.
(Julius): When this collections was on, it was sublime. When it was off, it was way off for me. I hated hated HATED the sheer material shower curtain plasticlooks that the judges seemed to fall in love with. I can't say enough about how that took me out of the collection. On the other hand, Dom is like the cross between Mondo and Anya that uses bold prints in an energetic and vibrant way that really makes me happy that she is in the world. Outside of those plastic looks, all of her outfits were just these vibrant pieces of energetic happiness that made me smile. My favorite look was the washable look which felt like it was the adult mature stylish distillation of all this soul and happiness that Dom possesses. Zac Posen said the most insightful thing, "She's really a sophisticated lady. I just don't think she knows that yet." This feels like the exploding birth of an artistic soul who will be pushing out all of these looks that will be so instinctively energetic and wild, and in the next few years she'll probably reign it all in to a more mature but happy brand. I can't wait to see what's next for her.
Alexandria
(Adrian): Maybe I'm biased but I simply don't get it. It's remarkable to me that Justin also has a mostly black and white collection and yet his looks are never boring. I can't say the same thing about Alexandria's, and I honestly spent the entire show wondering why she was even there. Her collection added nothing to the mix of these other designers, and nothing about it suggested it deserved to be at Fashion Week.
(Julius): Ugh. The bases for Alexandria's collection is Pris from Blade Runner. Only, then she got rich and became a boring tennis mom. Alexandira's second, sixth, and eighth looks really inform the shiny cyberpunky grungy roots of the collection. But, then she blends them in with theselooks of rich white people attempting to appropriate hip hop culture in the most fucking boring way ever. And, then there is the fifth look which is like a coffee shop trust fund poet wannabe. Really, her whole show pissed me off it reeked so much of money and privilege. And, don't even get me started on the shitty message of the phone books.
Bradon
(Adrian): Oh my sweet and simple Dance Beard, how I have long loved you and how far you hath fallen. This just didn't work from the start in a lot of ways. I understood what he was going for, but I don't think he accomplished it with clothes that were appealing. And the floral print he chose didn't do him any favors either. I will say that I honestly loved the last three looks of his collection, but the rest is just a no.
(Julius): Uh...wut? Srsly...wut? Bradon, you opened the show with a dress that looks like an upside down beer in a pint glass. And, it was really all down hill from there. You followed up the pint glass with its basket weave coaster. Your fourth look had a pair of shorts where it looks like a bunch of flowers pointing to a FUCKING CAMEL TOE!! Most of your looks suffered from either Gold Lame, or a crappy use of a psychadelic pseudo-Asian print charmuse that could be spring, but would totally look great on an geisha girl. And, then you realized it and, as your made the 9th look the Asian inspired look the fabric wanted to be, and put it on an Asian girl. It seemed right at home, finally. But, then you finished up the show with a look that was like a beachy Anya dress made with a print inspired by the cover of The Downward Spiral and was attacked by a golden caterpillar. If only this dress was the one with spilled coffee, nobody would have noticed, or they would have thought it was intentional. In short, you failed. Unlike Adrian, I didn't even see what you were going for. I saw the flower coming up from the snow, kind of...but it was ultimately a failure. Which makes me really sad because, unlike Alexandria, I loved your style throughout the show. It's not even that you got bit by London's old lady bug. You just went...wut? No.
Adrian
So Dom wins and it's really the only choice the judges could have made that would make sense. The finale never really has anything going for it beyond the Fashion Week show, and I'm starting to wonder if Project Runway shouldn't just run with that fact. Condense the last episode to an hour and spend all of that time at Fashion Week and on the judging runway itself. Watching the designers work on another (pointless) look while also having to go through model fittings, hair and makeup consultations, and the heightened emotions of even showing at Fashion Week is simply too much. Or is it just me? What did you think of the final episode as a whole, Julius? Were you fooled by the final moments of built in tension as the judges had to make the oh so difficult decision between Dom and Alexandria?
Julius
I could have gone for Justin or Dom, really. Though, I lost hella respect for Justin when he went for the I'm deaf ploy on stage. Ugh. No, you shouldn't win because you're deaf. You should win because you can design when you're not under pressure. And, you can. I loved your collection, and I would have been happy with you winning as well (especially if you continued making 3D printed space age jewelry). Ultimately, I think if they got rid of the One Last Elimination in Finale Part 1 that has become a tradition, and kept in the one last design challenge. Then, re-added in the whole process from choosing the models and pairing the dressed all the way through design, I think the finale would be a stronger more cohesive two parter. The one last design challenge frequently inspires a look that actually pulls the whole collection together, as it did in Dom's collection.
Again, thank you readers! We'll see you again at least for the All-Stars opener, if not the whole season. More decisions on that to come. Thanks!
Stray Observations:
--Dom is worried about what to put her muse model in; I guess she knows the judges don't look at anything other than the last look. (AA)
- Justin is so sweet wanting to make his washable look reversible. That doesn't matter if you don't show off the reversibility, Justin. And, you shouldn't. (JK)
--One of Justin's models broke her ankle right before the final runway show. Was I the only person who thought maybe the model was making a last minute bid for freedom and the producers went all Kathy Bates from Misery on her?
--In keeping with Justin's model struggles, he's stressed because his size 0 model is replaced by a size -2 alternate, and the dress just doesn't fit anymore. How hard life is. (AA)
--I have never seen a better “Cut-a-bitch” moment then when the model spilled coffee on Bradon's dress. He's a much better person than I am because I would have killed her and dragged her dead body down the runway. (AA)
- Really, who gives models coffee? Shouldn't they be giving them like powdered speed? Just kidding. Kind of. But, coffee and food stains. That should not be allowed back stage. At all. (JK)
- Did anybody notice the awesome fashion art queen that was seated behind Justin's parents? I will associate his parents with the floral print nature of their home and how conservative and sweet they are. That memory clashed so hard with the queen behind them, it made me laugh so so hard. (JK)
- Justin's parents were so right when comforting Justin. "You finished with integrity and America fell in love with you." It's so true. Justin, Dom and Bradon all finished with integrity and without irritating the viewers. I honestly can't think of what Alexandria ever did to raise the ire of everybody, but that's just me. (JK)
- Best line of the episode: Dom: "I'm poor. I'm working two jobs, people." (JK)
- Also, since Adrian is probably too humble to mention it, take a look at his blog, A Storyteller's Guide To Story Telling, listed on the right. He's just starting it, and I enjoy his writing immensely. (JK)
- And, I'm not humble, so if you like semi-off-the-beaten-path movies, check out my blog, The Other Films. We're currently in October's horror dedication month. (JK)
