Sunday, August 11, 2013

Project Runway S12 E04: Tie The Knot

This season is full of So...that happened moments.

I think it's so important to open with a bang. Don't you?  Wait, this isn't the Russian version of Party Monster?  This is Project Runway?  OK, this is going to be a...something.

Seriously, the Downfall of Sandro is probably the best two episode story arc I think I've ever seen.  According to Think Baby Names, Sandro means owl Man's Warrior.  Previously, on Project Runway, we watched as Sandro moved from Fun Loving Drama Queen Sandro who was making shitty, trampy, over-the-top dresses to Sexist Angry Sandro who made a shitty and cheap dress of mediocrity.

This episode, Sexist Angry Sandro became Raging Warrior Sandro who, now devoid of a woman to target, moves on to demonizing Zac Posen, whom Sandro may be targeting because Zac is both a newbie, and more effeminate than either Teutonic Queen or Ice Princess-In-Waiting.  And, in the end, he targets another female (Helen, who did start telling him off first), explodes and runs away.

But, I'm getting ahead of myself, much like this episode of Project Runway got ahead of itself.

After our big bang opening, we're whisked away to the real opening, where we're introduced to Jesse Tyler Ferguson, an adorable ginger cub who is wearing one of the tackiest suits that has ever been seen this side of a sideshow barker.  Bears really have a problem knowing how to dress, and apparently cubs are no exception. But, anyways, JTF is here because Project Runway is doing a topical episode on gay marriage, finally...after the whole Prop 8 controversy all the way back in 2008. Yeah, you couldn't comment on it five years ago?  And, JTF has a charity selling bow ties to fund the gay marriage equal right legal challenges that are still happening across the nation in 37 states.  At the time of filming, the legal challenges were also pending for California's Prop 8 and for DOMA.

Anyways, this is no cheap tie in like last week's Yoplait "please do our marketing research for us" froyo episode.  This is the change it episode.  It's almost an unconventional materials episode, but then they get $200 to spend on material, so yay for money.

Everybody collects ties, goes to Mood, and they kill Swatch the dog.  I keed, the owl killed Swatch the Dog.  No, really, he''s probably just snoooozing.  Be well Swatch! And, also, Sue somehow spends $400.  And, by somehow, I do mean "somehow."  It seems she bought two different regular jersey knit materials.

Back in the workroom, everybody starts struggling.  Dance Beard makes a harness that looks awful on the manniquin.  Sue makes two cheap looking simple dresses being attacked by Bow Tie squids.  Helen makes something awful.  Jeremy is in a depressive funk because he found out his husband's maternal grandma died, and he makes a dress for his grandma. But, the real cake goes to Sandro, who immediately starts ranting about how he thinks Jeremy is a witch, how Sandro needs to edit and Sandro has no idea what that means, and that Zac Posen sucks for some reason.

By the time Tim comes around to make his analysis, Sandro is having a complete meltdown, and has chosen the tackiest accessory purse I think I have ever seen outside of a Forever 21.  It's bejeweled with a heart mirror that looks like a 13 year old made it while fantasizing about hot football quarterback Johnny Astro who will be hers as soon as she finishes making this gorgeous purse and he sees how she can accessorize just like that bitch cheerleader Ashley who gets to screw him just because she's pretty and rich and FUCK HER.


Anyways, Angry Warrior Sandro totally thrusts this Purse of Teenage Love at Top Tim, practically crying at him "IS THIS TACKY?  IS THIS TOO MUCH?!"  And, Tim, possibly scared for his life, gives him possibly the worst advice Tim has ever given anybody.  Tim tells Sandro not to edit, and that he should be design and in life.  And, that if Sandro likes the Purse of Teenage Love, he should use the Purse of Teenage Love.  Then, Tim scurriesto safety before he gets assaulted by a bracelet made completely out of clunky plastic gems..

Tim tells Sue that her dress is full  Sue does nothing.

But, the other shining Tim moment of crazy town this week is when he critiques Helen, and she falls apart into this crazy tail spin of shame and derision, hating herself and her dress and why did she really like that dress, its just so awful?!  She proceeds to get almost nothing done between the critique and the end of the day.

Helen never pulls out of her self critical tail spin, and Sandro finishes up his dress of Sandro, and then the whirlwind until the runway.

Runway Looks:

Dom: This is an amazing dress that has been attacked by rogue bow ties.  Remember that scene in Brazil where Robert DeNiro gets attacked by paper?  This is that look, only instead of paper, it is bow ties, and instead of Robert DeNiro, it is a model in an amazing striped dress

Jeremy: Elegant and mildly dowdy.  He was a bit too literal with his touches of 40s, adding very few modern touches to the design.  It looks gorgeous.  But, the colors are definitely Fall, and that all makes the exposed belly button a little weird.  But, I kind of love it despite my instinct to hate it.

Dance Beard: Sorry TripleA85  I love this.  You are dead on that it would look awful on a white girl.  That doesn't bug me, because he's partially designing with his model in mind.  It's totally tribal, and edgy and young and celebration. This was an amazing look that deserved the win.

Ken: Simple, edgy, but I hate the bowtie piping.  Good enough for high end of safe

Miranda: Hey Miranda, was this on some tacky episode of Dallas?  Maybe in Working Girl?  You claim for gender bending, but gender bending means more than a pair of dramatic shoulder pads.

Helen: Bow tie back brace.

Alexander: He made an Asian tie rack!  I can see some high end Japanese store targeted at sexist men who decided that, instead of using actual tables, they'll just use women as tables to display the ties.  Very 9 1/2 Weeks.

Angry Man's Warrior: Remember what I said about Tim giving Sandro the worst advice ever by telling him not to edit?  Yeah.  This happened.  It is the clash of 15 different ideas thrown onto one dress.  Zac almost nailed it with Hollywood Walk of Shame.  It really was a WTF moment.  He should have been in the bottom instead of Jeremy.  But, we've decided that boring always loses.

Sue: Sue is a burner, isn't she?  I've seen this at Burning Man.  And, no.  At least she didn't make a cheap as fuck tie skirt?  And, this fucking simple ass jersey dress used $400 of material.  Wut?

Deaf Guy: Meh.

Kate: Pants are AMAZING.  The back of the top is sexy.  The front needed to be swapped with the front of the top needed to be switched with the front of Alexandria's top.  Otherwise, it looks like a bib.  I kept getting flashes of the lobster eating scene in Flashdance.

Red Head Drew Barrymore: No. Isn't this available at that really crappy women's outfit store at the mall that has that really timelessly terrible style? Talbot's?

Alexandria: The front of the top is amazing.  The back needed to have a lottle more complexity like Kate's. The skirt was kind of a mess though.  Great ideas.  Needed more fleshing out time.

Sandro, despite his trashy overworked aesthetic again, is safe.  But, that doesn't mean he won't say something.  He wants CRITIQUE dammit!  And, when they insult his look, he doesn't get why and he stews.  Then, Ken and Helen tell him that he was being inappropriate, and then he blows the fuck up at Helen.  She really was fueling the fire because she was still disappointed in herself and all "why am I safe?!?!?"  And, I suspect, she was just thankful not to be thrown out.  So, she lays into Sandro, who already has been on edge, and Sandro just blows up because she is woman and he is Angry Warrior Sandro.  And then Sandro runs away.

Oh wait, there's more.  Dance Beard wins, and he proposes to his rather hot husbear, and can I just get in a sandwich with you guys?  I promise not to steal either of you from each other, but you're both so adorable!  And, since this was filmed in June (which, what?!  they only get two months before the September Fashion Week?!...and you're filming during Gay Pride week in New York?!  You guys are fucking assholes...) The next week, Jeremy's husbear proposes to him on the Wednesday that the Supreme Court struck down Prop 8 and DOMA.  Awwwwww.

Oh, and because the three bottom people were safe, Miranda goes into a tail spin of crazy because she believed her tacky 80s outfit was going home over Sue's shittastic 5 minute squid harness.  And the only reason she's in is because Sandro left, and somehow that is bad karma for Miranda.  Remember how she said she's gonna need therapy last episode?  Yeah...that's what happened here.

And Sandro was never heard from again.


Stray observations:

- You know what's amazing about this episode? This is one of the few episodes where almost all the drama was not caused by another designer or particularly aimed at another designer. Even when Helen laid into Angry Warrior Sandro, and then Angry Warrior Sandro was screaming at Helen, you could almost tell that Sandro wasn't really yelling at Helen, and Helen wasn't really yelling at Sandro. They were yelling at themselves but made each other a target. It felt completely different then when Sandro was yelling at Sue last week because Sue was a woman. It was really fascinating.

- Jesse Tyler Ferguson, please. Honey. Grow your beard back.

- Octopussy.

- JTF, you shouldn't cut Ice Princess-in-Waiting off like that. You're a special guest, so you can get away with it, but she would have pounced on anybody else doing .

- That Purse of Teenage Love was probably designed by Mary Frances, who charges upwards of $300 for these tacky tacky pieces of crap.  They remind me of Reed Krakoff's fish shirt in its tacky:money ratio.

- I find it fitting that this is the first episode for Project Runaways, considering it has another in Project Runway's blossoming line of runaway designers.

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