Project Runway S12 E08: "Having a Field Day"

This weekend, I attended PAX.  I participated in a You Don’t Know Jack tournament, which was supposed to start at 8pm; but, it actually didn’t start until after 8:30 due to the previous tournament, Marvel Vs Capcom, running really long.  I commented that it was akin to football pre-empting Jeopardy!  Well, that experience is mimicked in this week’s Project Runway branded introduction with sports.  Sports?! I didn’t tune in for this!  Ah well…whatever.

The last time I remember PR having a sports event, somebody fell and somebody else dropped out.  In 2011, there was the track episode, where Cecila decided to drop out, and our favorite fatphobic femme Olivier had a panic attack, fell and bruised his need, requiring paramedics.  Fun times, made for lots to talk about, so let’s repeat it!

This year, we have a Double Dare-esque obstacle course, minus the slime, where the main obstacle seems to be not being distracted by our Teutonic Goddess screaming instructions at you.  “WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU TWO?!  IT’S A FLAG. IT HAS A STICK ON IT! YOU CAN’T FIND IT?!  YOU’RE STILL LAST!!” I wonder if some might consider this to be as erotic as Lucy Liu with a riding crop in Charlie’s Angels.  The winner of the course gets first choice of fabrics, and an extra hour of sewing.  Sadly, nobody dies.

Today’s challenge is sponsored by New Balance, through which Heidi has yet another fashion collection of mass manufactured clothing, this year is sportswear. Last year, Heidi was introducing a baby fashion line at Babies ‘r’ Us, called Truly Scrumptious, and did not have anybody eating any babies (to my chagrin).  This year, again, Heidi is saving real world costs by getting the designers to provide her with free designs for her collection.  The winner of the challenge gets the honor of having their design sold online with Heidi’s name attached to it.  Luckily, there is a precedent for this, otherwise I would be shitting all over New Balance, whom I actually kind of like as they have select shoes that are still manufactured in America (a rarity).  Instead, it is merely a sign of Heidi’s ability to get people to do work for her for free.  It’s nice being at the top, isn’t it?

So, Dom and Justin win. Everybody selects their fabrics, and then we come back to the workroom to find that everybody’s mannequin has been taken over by Heidi’s boring collection as examples of what they should be matching.  Tim Gunn helpfully explains that these are just examples, and should be used as inspiration.  Then, he dolefully adds, “You can’t cut them up. Ok?” 

Immediately upon Tim’s departure, Helen asks a question of Tim, outside the workroom, trying to get a leg up on the other designers.  The question: Should we use the pieces as examples of fit as well?  Not much of a leg up, to be honest, as anybody with two brain cells would have come up with that idea. But, she thinks she’s being shady, and then everybody else thinks she’s being shady.  Captain Sassypants calls her out, she fights back, and then it’s the Ken and Helen drama show, which at this point, seems more put on and pointless than any of the Housewives shows.  As such, I’m not going to waste any more time on this drama, because it’s current Drama Queen Helen vs current Drama King Captain Sassypants.  And, yawn…because, at this point, aren’t we all a bit tired of the overblown drama? 

And, as such, the first real looks we get of the designs are during the Tim Gunn critiques with special guest Heidi.  ToKen has nothing to show. RHDB has problems because she went back to the 90s, whose athleticwear was a throwback to the 80s, with Day-Glo neon colors intercut with black angular bands, creating a warning sign of such.  Which, I really like for women who run or bike at night outside of a gym, especially compared to the dark grey and black jacket that Kate is making, which is great for hiding sweat, but is also great for getting hit by a car.

In fact, many of the outfits are in dark greys and blacks, or purples.  You know, nothing that is easily visible.  It strikes me as fucked up that Heidi is discouraging the one designer who was going all out on safety and visibility.  While RHDB’s design might have left some to be desired in the critique state, it was also the least likely to lead to being cut off your body in an ambulance instead of being ripped off your body in a bedroom.  But, I am mainly thinking about outdoor exercises, such as running or riding a bike, instead of at the gym.  I just like things to be versatile, and I’ve seen many a man and woman run their way to the gym as a form of cardio warm up. 

The other important critique is Alexandria’s critique.  She has made these hideous drop crotch pants and a dark colored jacket/cape looking thing.  It’s ugly, but Heidi gives her seal of approval.  Remember that I said that the pants were already made, and Heidi exclaimed “I like a drop crotch pants.”  That’s important later.

Anyways, RHDB panics and has to rebuild everything.  Unfortunately.  And, ToKen has to actually make something (because what he whipped up by the time Heidi and Tim made it over was pure shite, and he knew it).  Everybody rushes, we get the brief  scenes with HMG hottie, and then it’s time for runway, where we learn that the special guest is An Orange!  No, wait, it’s just Michael Kors.  Actually, to be fair to The Human Orange, he looks like he went into rehab for his addition to fake tanning.

Kate: I like this look.  I love the heavy orange at the bottom of the leggings. And, while I love the heavy bright orange at the neck, I can’t imagine anybody who could work out with a cowl neck.  Everything else about it is merely standard well done sportswear.  She is in the top three.

Dance Beard: I love the light grey.  It looks reflective, and safe.  The heavy green piping at the shoulder means that it is always visible.  The black and grey swirls at the bottom are sexy as hell.  The only thing I don’t like is a couple of the pipes at the hip feel overdesigned, but the rest of it is amazing.  It feels urban, and hip.  He is, of course, safe.

Alexandria: The model could barely WALK in those drop crotch pants nevertheless exercise. The jacket is boring. The shirt is OK, but feels a touch like a costume from Million Dollar Baby or some other urban boxing movie.  Just ugh.  Bottom three.

Helen: She makes this god-awful mesh jacket hoodie, all in black, with a cape feel to the back. And, then has these tights where the safety color is covered by more black mesh.  And, because the mesh jacket hoodie is never unzipped on the runway, it hides this awful and boring grey shirt with a neon green pocket cover stitched at the belly, and there is no safety color straight up visible anywhere on the outfit. She wins.

Dom: She makes an urban, Brooklyn, look which is outlined in bright orange, and has a great jacket sweater attached to it.  The jacket has an amazing crescent ass cutout on its bottom, which just highlights the booty lines of the leggings.  The shirt underneath it has an amazing array of lines for the razorback. Safe.

Justin: Makes a more polished, but more straight-up sportswear companion piece to Helen’s look.  It has an asymmetrical jacket which also echoes Red Eyebrows’ asymmetrical jacket.  The colors pop, and it looks like it could be in a workout video. Safe.

ToKen: No. This is the girl who doesn’t know what fits her yet. Bottom three

London: Meh. What the hell is up with the yellow piping that is outlining the top of the ass? Safe.

RHDB: SNOOOOOOOZE. Loose pants, loose top, nothing fits right, it’s just bad. She goes home.

Red Eyebrows: Its ok.  Great job on the leggings, but there were better looks on the runway.  Nice asymmetric jacket.  Top three.

On the runway, they rip Alexandria up and down for her drop crotch pants, but ultimately it is RHDB who goes home.  My favorite part of the runway was when Heidi starts double backing on the drop crotch, and then Tim comments, “What’s a poor designer to do when the host of the show says she loves it?” And, Heidi lies her ass off trying to say that she only saw them in a sketch.  You know, even though she saw them in person, and then said she loved them on the runway.  She never admits she’s wrong though.

And, so goes home another designer who needed to go home.  We still have to get rid of ToKen, and Alexandria.  Then we’re down to the good designers.

I’d like to take a little extra time expressing my distaste with the judge’s winner.  The look isn’t commercial, it isn’t fashion, and it isn’t active wear.  Helen’s look is just plain blah.  I don’t know what they were thinking with her winning, but I’m not a judge.

Stray observations:

- Heidi comments “You need to get the blood flowing” but neglects to finish with “you lazy slobs.”

- No, I really do mean, I am not going to waste any more time on this week’s stupid drama.  Discuss this in the comments, if you must.  I’m just kind of over it this week.

- London’s total Heidi/Tim critique is “Wow, you got sunburned!” Of course he’ll be safe.
- Project Runaways is looking for a writer for next week.  If you would like to step in and take next week, please let me know at Julius.Kassendorf@yahoo.com.