Under the Gunn S1 E1: "Who is under the Gunn?"

Welcome to the first half of the premiere of the new show Under the Gunn, better known as Tim Gunn Wants To Retire, Bitches. This is a two episode premiere episode, and each episode is 90 minutes long, so we're in for a 3 hour premiere.  WHOO!!!

Under the Gunn is an experimental show, kind of. It borrows its format from The Voice in which there are three Project Runway-experienced designers as mentors who get to choose four designers from a pool of 15 potential contestants to figure out who is going to win.

The show seems to be two fold. The first is the usual Project Runway styled challenges, and the second is to find out who will work best as a mentor and fit the format of Project Runway, which Heidi Klum will probably maintain as hostess.  Or, they're going to be the next mentor on Project Runway All-Stars. Of course that's pure speculation on my part, as the mentor position is not part of the prize package.

Because we're borrowing from The Voice, we get 2 premiere episodes. One this week, and one next week. They both are 90 minutes long, the new length of Project Runway classic edition. I don't know if the later episodes are going to remain 90 minutes, or if we're going to revert to the usual spin-off length of 60 minutes once all this initial choosing stuff is going to be finished. I suspect the whole season is going to be 90 minutes, as I suspect Lifetime had been all "Hey, Where's Project Runway Winter 2014?!" The producers then were like "Tim, help. Heidi is busy because we forgot about that."

The first surprise is that we're no longer in New York. We're in Los Angeles at FIDM, aka Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising, where Nick Verreos has been a mentor for 10 years. And, if anybody remembers the dreaded Los Angeles season (aka the first Lifetime season), we're already seeing doom and gloom.

The challenge is for the fifteen designers to be divided into two groups. The first 8 designers are given a bag of 6 shitty fabrics, and have to knock out a dress in 6 hours. Seriously. 6 hours. I guess people need to sleep in in Los Angeles. And the fabrics are a polka dot, a gold lame, lumberjack flannel, black, blue and a whore's pattern. Oh, wait, that's probably Horse pattern. Sorry. That was one of those designers.

Meanwhile, the mentors have to look over the portfolios and through that we get our introduction to the designers. This integrates the portfolio aspects of the usual Project Runway pre-show within the context of the show. Which is interesting in a way because most people don't watch Project Runway episode 0, but it creates a completely schizophrenic episode.

In the first group of designers, we have:
- Blake Smith, 25, Hoboken - Young, cute, and boring. SNOOOOZE.
- Shan Keith Oliver, 33, St Louis - This season's black male designer. Married with kids (wait, what? Not gay?). But, he has a lot of style and edginess in his portfolio.
- Natalia Fedner, 30, West Hollywood - WeHo = fashionable, slightly trampy, fruit fly, and her design aesthetic shows that.
- Brady Lance, 29, Portland - Designs Streetwear, men and women. For some reason I confuse him and Blake because they're both generic gay stereotype #4 stolen from The A-List
- Michelle Uberreste, 29, Burbank - Edgy, future sci-fi inspired designer. A less gender bending Elena.
- Oscar Garcia-Lopez, 40, Coral Gables - Designer from Cuba. Which means, he's going to be steeped in tacky and conservative
- Melissa...I couldn't find any information on her in the show. Spoiler: When you're one of 8 featured designers and you only get a brief consultation, your outlook isn't good.
- Camila Castillo, 47, Caracas Venezuela - Older and future edgy.

In the course of the first episode, the 8 designers are also preyed upon by the 3 mentors when they come in to assess everybody's progress. This won't be the format after episode 2 hopefully, but it is fun when they descend on the designers and the designers have a look of fear.

This first evaluation exposes the best and worst of our mentors. Anya, talking about Camila's style, "Because, we've seen this technique in your portfolio, I would just pay attention to what you haven't shown us." And, "Camila seems to be taking the safe route." Anya says this without a HINT of self-awareness or irony. Especially after seeing Anya's collection of beach wear that looks like every collection of Anya's beach wear ever.

Nick Verreos emphasizes the weirdest words, making it easier to transcribe. "Polkadottedfromheadtotoe. [pause] I...hope...it doesn't end up looking like Mi ckey ... or ... Mi nny." I think he ran out of gasoline by the end of those two sentences.

Mondo is the only one who has a personality that doesn't bug me, but he is still so inexperienced that it shows in his advice.

...

On the flip side, we have designers trying to create personalities to stay on the show longest. Blake is fussy. Camila is contentious. Oscar is Cuban. Natalia is a ball of nervous energy and a source of drama.

...

Everybody is design design design, and then we get to the makeup and hair. Handlebar Moustache Guy got to be in Los Angeles and now has a crew cut. Which, ZOMG. Why weren't you at the Eagle when I was? Drool. But, we have a new hair stylist, who is also hot, but not Handlebar Moustache Guy hot. Especially when HMG almost cuts a bitch because she tells him how she wants her model's hair done. This moment is emphasized by Under the Gunn's new modern Big Block All-Caps Font used outside of the Project Runway-designated subtitle area. "I love you, but we're in the makeup room right now!" Followed by a forced smile saying "can't you see the makeup or read the brand name on the wall in gigantic letters?!" This is my new favorite Project Runway moment.

And, we get to the runway, which is a modern set with a lot of crooked lines, and poppy colors. It looks less like a runway and more like a tv set made to look like a runway. Its intimate and fresh, but it doesn't have the practice class feeling of Project Runway's runway. Plus, the lights on the runway seem to be so that the outfits were backlit when the cameras were filming them. Maybe this will be fixed in the next episode.

Runway:
Michelle - Black and Gold Lame is so tacky. And, this is no exception. It would have looked better in blue. But, it is modern and not a complete disaster, with a really nice silhouette and decent looking, though rather hoary, sleeves.

Brady - A trainwreck using every textile. It's just so so much. It's cute, but all together its just...whoa.

Melissa - Cute and mildly boring all polka dot outfit.

Blake - Adorable and sophisticated little black dress. Elegant but safe (Anya got it right).

Natalia - Given that she had six hours, this dress was headed in some amazing places, but the execution was terrible. I love all of the design elements in the dress, from the braiding technique, to the black and blue collar with a strip to the back. The silhouette is nice too. But, with the time constraints, the lines are crooked, the hem is unfinished and sloppy, the dress is way too short, and its just a gread idea executed poorly.

Shan - Ugly ass bomber jacket with two patterns that don't mix, and a great black cocktail dress that has short sleeves, which I kind of really like in their tiny detail.

Oscar - SO SO MUCH. Tacky, overstyled, and just so over the top.

Camila - The only black and gold dress I like. It uses a great technique, even though Anya is bored by it because she hates Camila. Anya feels like she's trying to become the Nina of the show.  Which is so terrible. Anya isn't talented or observant enough to be the next Nina.

Based on this, the mentors now get to fight over the designers to form their team.

The first episode results:
Team Mondo: Michelle, Camila
Team Anya: Shan, Blake, Brady
Team Nick: Oscar, Natalia
Eliminated: Melissa

In this episode, Tim Gunn, as host, plays a huge role in the show. He's like a mentor of the mentors, and doesn't just appear at the beginning and the end like Heidi does. He's integrated into the show, and almost a little too hands-on. I like seeing him mentor, but let the mentors mentor.

Random Observations:

- Blake and Brady are interchangable. And they're on the same team.

- Nick Verreos, age 46, calls himself Grandpa Nick. He doesn't look 46. He's a hot daddy.

- The next episode is going to be just as schizophrenic, but we'll find out how this plays out in S3

Project Runway All-Stars S3 E3: "Sip into something sexier"

Show opens. Designers walking.

Necktat: "We've had a really rough two weeks..."

*needle scratch*

WHAT?!  No.  You've had a really rough 5 days. WE'VE had a really rough two weeks.

And, so, this episode begins with a lie and then a slap in the face. Apparently, Isaac Mizrahi was one week off with his critique. When he said "This is a slap in the face to the woman wearing this dress. What if she wanted to drink a martini??" he really thought we were in the martini challenge, you guys. Not really, but it was a complete slap in the face to jump from the worst criticism ever to a challenge that totally embodies that criticism.

Which totally mirrors how I experienced this episode. I had just caught up with The Daily Show's Wednesday critique of Jay Z losing his street cred by sticking with Barney's over arresting the kid who paid for the $350 belt because the kid was black. And, then I'm faced with today's product marketing where the designers get stuck in Jay Z's 40/40 club, which has a hot white bartender, and boring, probably expensive, drinks.

OK, the 40/40 drinks are not totally boring, but they are just pseudo-classic "artisanal" drinks (read hipster drinks) made with cheap liquor. For instance, on a freeze frame of Korto's drink, Summer, the vodka they use is Stolichanya.  Which...*SCREAM* If you'll indulge me for a brief few paragraphs, I'm going to get a little political on you.  Feel free to skip.

Starting in July, the gays decided to dump Stoli and any Russian vodka. We banned it from many of our bars. We banned it from our homes, and it is surely not going to pass in our gay-themed shows without comment. The ban on Stoli probably started a couple weeks after this episode was aired, so I'm not going to get all activisty "ZOMG, Project Runway is sponsoring Russian vodka and is an enemy of the gays."  But, I will tell you that this is a reaction to Putin's anti-gay policies, and the level of violence that is escalating in Russia over the past year. Among his policies are a ban on gay "propaganda" which can include kissing or holding hands in the street.

The reason this is significant is that us gays love to drink. And, I mean...we LOVE to drink. And, we drink a LOT of vodka. When I went to an Oscar fundraiser, they ran out of vodka a couple hours into the show.  So, us dumping one brand of vodka is kind of significant, especially given the popularity of Stoli and its flavored vodkas. Now, I'm not saying that my readers are necessarily pro-gay, but if you're watching Project Runway I kind of have to assume you have a mild tolerance of us. And, especially in this comment section...which is like whoa. Anyways, I just needed to take that paragraph or two to say that...back to the show.

So, we're at the stupid Jay Z club, and we're being served pseudo-artisanal cocktails made by a generically hot white guy, Yusef. The cocktails has a mix of names from Spotted Plum to Summer to Tiger Eye.  Some of the names you kind of expect to be generic looking, like the Hemingway which I would imagine would look something like an Old Fashioned. But, a Tiger Eye I would hope would have something like a complicated layered drink effect. But, no. These are all just shaker drinks. And, the Tiger Eye is pale celery color. Now what I would think of as a Tiger Eye. The only interesting one is Seth Aaron's Hemingway which had a huge chunk of orange peel.

And, so, these boring-looking drinks serve as the inspiration for this week's cocktail dress challenge. Fuck I need a drink.

The next morning - wait...they closed down the 40/40 club for the shooting of the intro?  Or, did they get kicked out in an hour and go to bed early?  I'm so confused - our intrepid designers hit mood with a fresh $100 in their pockets to make a fancy cocktail dress. $100 is not much based on previous episodes. And, with the lower budget we get some interesting choices, like Pansear choosing curtains. Or, Korto's decision to go with a loud plaid-esque green print.

And, this episode is actually really nicely heavy on the construction details. I love this aspect of All-Stars. I like watching Viktor start to deconstruct his gorgeous cathedral print by making patterns based in part on the architecture and the gables is a fascinating insight. I like listening to Necktat's inspiration of Vietnamese dresses from the basis of his drink having passion fruit.

But, my favorite part is Pansear's debate on how to make a dress with a sheer non-fabric without showing off vagina and nipples. He created a wrap, but it got heavy and tableclothy. Then he started double layering nude chiffon under the curtain fabric.

My second favorite is Korto.  "ALL MY FANS..." Yeah yeah, we're sorry for bring you back, Korto. But, she's not going with the color of the cocktail which she describes as "dingy, mudgly kind of dream."  And, she's not going safe because "the safe house is locked up and she lost the key."

This episode also focuses on how everybody is trainspotting. Necktat says that Korto's dress is trainspotting Isaac's 2011 summer line. Pansear says that Melissa (who is so boring I can't even think up a defining characteristic) is trainspotting herself. Elena says that Viktor trainspotted Alexander McQueen. And, this is completely hilarious because apparently, in an edited out comment - according to somebody on the TWOP forums and brought out in reddit - Anya called out Necktat for trainspotting Martin Margiela (thanks for the tip, Origami Rose (the user, but probably not Venbot).

And, then we get the twist.  Dudes, really?!  We're in a 60-minute episode. Zanna Roberts Rossi decides to throw in an accessory challenge.  *sigh* No, Zanna. That was PR's other spinoff, Project Accessory. *sigh* What the hell?! The audience doesn't care about the accessory, and neither does anybody else. All it does is serve to fill in the run time and make everybody panic.  Boooooo. We don't care.

Soo, after making a bunch of shitty looking accessories, we're off to runway! This week's judges are NOT ANYA!  But, really, its accessory designer Rebecca Minkoff, and interior designer Nate Berkus. It should not be noted that Berkus' appearance was probably in anticipation of a new series that so far has not been aired, nor had a date set for it.

Runway:
Irina: Garish. It's like Jay Z's nightclub vomited onto the dress. It is gold and silver, but it is garishly patterned, almost like linoleum. That and its cheap plastic sheen makes it looks trashy and hideous. It's very bling bling gone wrong.

Pansear: Elegant, classic, and timeless. Sort of like a flapper dress but with jewels on the back which brings it into the Jay Z bling bling land. It's gorgeously nude, and I am in love.

Mychael: HELP! His model was caught in a shredder! And, the dress won!

Necktat: Kind of like a pomegranate champagne. It looks like a cocktail to me. It's a simple easy dress that is rather safe with garish jewels attached at the neck. It's like an Asian dominatrix.

Elena: It's way too long for a cocktail dress, and reads like futuristic officewear to me. Sort of the type of outfit, one would find in a Heinlein sci-fi novel/erotic fantasy (which, really, are the same thing).

Seth Aaron: Black and red color blocking. Yawn.

Melissa: It's the awful version of her old dresses...only more floppy with a weird yellow callout in the small of her back. "She would go to a cocktail party, and many girls would stop to ask her what she was wearing." - Melissa.  I agree. "What ARE you wearing, darling?"

Korto: No. It's a weird dress that looks like it had a baby with a weightlifting belt, a back brace and a fetish harness. Even without the gigantic belt, it looks stupid.

Zinger: A gorgeous dress with a trampy slit at her hoo-ha.  I'm going to say it again. HOO HA!

Anyways, Alyssa is using Project Runway to fill her closet. Never mind that the winning designs are sometimes auctioned off. Alyssa wants it.  Fuck you if you wanted it, she's the host, and she'll beat you down while wearing her executioner hood if you try to challenge her for it.

Most of the judging is reasonable. Especially Nate Berkus, who tells Elena that she's trainspotting Balenciaga and Narciso. Elena, Pansear and Zinger are in the top three (all justifiably). Necktat, Melissa and Korto are in the bottom. I would have switched Necktat for Irina, but you know...   Of course, Isaac has to have his absurd fixation of the episode with Pansear's dress back, which is wrong. It's what brought the dress into the now. And, he's probably the reason that Pansear wasn't the official winner for making a flawless dress. But, both Pansear and Zinger's dress end up in Alyssa's closet, while Melissa goes home for her mess of a dress.

Stray Observations:
- Viktor "We're walking to the 40/40 club and I've never been there and I'm like OMG, today's the fir*squeal*."  Closed captions tell me that he said "first day" but I don't believe it.

- Viktor "What's your drink?"
Elena: "Sardinia."
Viktor: "Like the fish-a?"
No, like the island.

- Pansear: "I'm a homosexual. I would not want to see hoo-ha." I am really glad hoo-ha is still a nickname for va-jay-jay.

- Viktor's non-zinger of the Week: "Cocktail dresses are supposed to be easy going. But, her dress is more like "Oooo, you're going to an eskimo party." According to Urban Dictionary, an eskimo party is either a musical trio or inserting ice cubes to help with anal sex.  Um...Zing?

- Alyssa Milano's TMI of the Week: "I have too much back fat."