Project Runway All-Stars S4 E4: Wear Your Heart On Your Sleeve

This important scene is missing from the episode.

I've been praising the first three episodes for feeling like classic Project Runway. The judges have been on point, Alyssa Milano has been warm and witty, Zanna Roberts Rassi has been intelligent and quick. The episode before a break is usually some sort of amazing episode that expands the universe or is somehow enough to power the audience over the week.

Project Runway All-Stars believes this too. This is the final episode for a week, because next week is Thanksgiving. As a result, the producers decide to pull out all the stops. The designers are taken to the Hearst building to meet up with Nina Garcia (classic!). They are shown a bunch of jewelry from a famous nationwide jewel manufacturer (pretty!). They are given a challenge that involves their personal life (drama!). There is a guest judge from last season's winner (history!). Yet, all this obvious manipulation adds up to the worst episode of the season. 

Right out of the gate, something is off. The opening scenes pull a Project Runway and combine way too many elements at once. We're in the Hearst building to meet Nina Garcia. OK, so it's the Nina challenge. But, she's standing next to a bunch of jewelry. So, it's also the Jewelry challenge? No, the jewelry man is there just to show off the jewelry and announce that they are giving a decent amount of money to the winner ($10k). 

But, this is neither the typical Nina challenge nor the jewelry challenge. Instead, it is the personal challenge. In a naked bid to get the designers to do something other than be pleasant to each other, this week's challenge is to make an outfit based on the designers' past, present, and future romantic relationships. Thus, everybody is sent into a whirlwind of emotion. High, if you're engaged. Low if you're married recently single. 

On top of that, it's also a mandated party dress challenge, which apparently is code for no all black or all white dresses. Obviously they were eyeing the already eliminated Alexandria, and Kate "bridal dress" Pankoke when they made this limitation. Ultimately, though, its just yet another twist in an episode fraught with twists.

The requirement of basing the design on your romantic life was engineered for maximum emotions. You can practically hear the producers off screen saying, "No, tell us your whole story, and this time with feeling. They may or may not be holding a gun to the designers' heads. If they do, that threat is only slightly off screen.

In fact, when Zanna comes around, she, not so nakedly, implores the designers to pour their hearts out on screen. With Helen, she starts out, "Someone's in love." "Well...was." "TELL ME." By the time she gets to Portland, all politeness is done. "TELL ME YOUR STORY," she commands. And, when we get to Fabio, we have discussions on open relationships, whose details she announces to all the nobody that is listening to her.

The best part of this episode was the Kubrickian/military camerawork that happens when she gives her final speech. As she finishes up her speech, she is standing in the center of the screen between two tables. Deathrage is to her right (our left), and to the right of the screen is a shoe and a bunch of fabric. Red is in the foreground, and blue is in the background, with the carpet and walls, starting immediately behind her. This creates both a Workers vs Leader story, and a Passion vs Judge story. Simultaneously, the iconography of the framing is stolen from so many motivational speeches in films, especially sports and military ones. 

When the camera finally flips, the camera is behind Zanna's head, where there was no camera before. 9 of the 11 remaining designers - not shown: Jay and Sonjia - are all carefully placed, so none of their faces are hidden from view. Deathrage has been repositioned farther right, so that the mannequin is on display, while Fabio is now moved to create a straight line with Dimitry and Benjamin. They're posing, and almost everybody is looking at Zanna...except Justin and Portland who are blankly looking off screen. Even without their participation, this is a really solid example of Triumph of the Will cinematography that places Zanna as the central power focus.

The final sequence is a bunch of closeups of the designers facing forward, mostly staring at Zanna, and nodding silently. If this isn't inspired by Triumph of the Will, I don't know what is. This is one of my favorite all time sequences in Project Runway's history, and should be hailed as a masterpiece of editing and filmmaking. However, it also noted the artifice of the sequence, and one wonders how long the designers had to participate in this bullshit. This sequence was only 22 seconds long, but in those 22 seconds, it brought down the final wall of Project Runway and announced it as a constructed game show instead of a reality show.

Anyways, only one interesting thing happens between Zanna and the runway, and that's Sonjia somehow magically finding a cobalt blue fabric. Now, I say magically, but Sonjia said "Yesterday, I saw this beautiful cobalt blue fabric..." This blue fabric almost comes out of nowhere, or may have been gifted by a designer that didn't use it. The fabric pops up periodically throughout the episode. The first time is at Mood, where it is crumpled on the cut table. Somebody chose it, and I suspect that Egg was the one who saw it. Later, the fabric is seen on Egg's work table. It's in their row along the windows, and on a table with black shoes on it. Later, during her Zanna critique, the blue fabric is at the bottom of the screen on the table while they're fawning over her ugly green dress. It shares a space with some Orange fabric and more green fabric. As the models leave, the big ball of blue fabric is still in front of Egg in the background. 

But, in the next cut, Sonjia is already cutting the cobalt blue fabric, and the cobalt blue fabric is no longer in Egg's pile.  This is most noticeable in the "next day" workroom pan, where the fabric is no longer on Egg's table, either having been covered up, or having been given to Sonjia. 

In a season where everybody is so focused on helping each other, this is not surprising, nor even offensive. Except, Sonjia made that statement "Yesterday I saw this fabric." Why they didn't spend time on the negotiation, or how Sonjia got her hands on it is beyond me. But, the way they tell the story, the blue fabric came magically out of her ass. But, it's there.

So, I spent wayyyyyy too much time poring over this element, and it's time for runway (in which we'll get into the relationships).

Runway

Georgina Chapman is still absent, this time being replaced by her prime counterpart, Nina Garcia. We're also treated to a guest judge from Project Runway All Stars, Seth-Aaron Henderson. And, some fashion blogger.

• Dimitry - So, I had a coworker who was obsessed with Italian style fashion. He was heterosexual, but he loved Ferraris, and eurotrash aesthetics. He also loved techno music. He would have loved this dress,w which is a great raver dress. But, it says nothing to me. It's very editorial, and thus very Nina. But, both the shape and the skirt are off-the-rack dullsville. Plus, the stiff bounce at the bottom looks cheap. Dimitry is single, not looking for love, not in love, nor wants to be. And, this dress shows it. It has no emotion in it, just cold hard flash.
• Sonjia - This dress is so Sonjia. She took this gorgeous cutout lace fabric and crafted it into a one-piece hanging shirt. But, she cuts it very raw and jagged to match the overwrought, almost Gothic, patterning. Then she puts the afore-mentioned cobalt blue underneath it in a tight two piece which clashes so beautifully with the shirt that the shirt's shapelessness is ths given shape. It looks so easy and comfortable and free, yet it tells a story of intricacy and complication, and the layering of the blue gives a strong present to the intricate past. It's a gorgeous piece.
• Benjamin - This dress is so fucking boring. It's a pretty dress in an ugly color with a crappy Handkerchief hemline...but a gorgeous back. What is with the season and having beautiful backs but ugly fronts? Anyways, Benjamin is single, and his breakup was bad, but that's all in the past now. Though, he hasn't put much interest into the present or future of his love life. Similarly, the shape and the front of the dress are boring, but the back is very precious and beautiful. 
• Jay - I don't know if I love or hate this dress. Or, both. Jay uses a raspberry striped pattern to create chevrons and stripes in every imaginable angle, including horizontal and vertical. He outlines his pieces with a pink frosting ribbon. Nothing is symmetrical or centered. The outlines are also in such a way that the breast panel looks like it is popping out. Yet, it's really gorgeous and strange. It's complicated and chaotic, like his love life.
• Fabio - He's in an open relationship. He sees life and love with a techno tribal fantasia. And, he found a fabric to make an OK dress out of it. But, then he layers it with light pink fabric vest panels that shouldn't go together, yet it does. And, in the back the panels are part of the dress. From the front it's two disparate pieces, but the back shows them all coming together as one. 
• Kate - Married to her first love. Ready to settle down. So, she creates a Golden Girls outfit for Blanche. My grandmother would have loved this outfit, because she loved bing. But, the color is so old-fashioned and the slicked back blond hair and over done makeup makes the woman look like Jamie Lee Curtis from True Lies raided her grandma's closet. The slouchy back makes it look like it was made for a woman who was heftier than the model, and I don't even know what was going on with the single piece of fabric that was dangling. No. Just...no.
• Justin - He found the love of his life who learned ASL for him. So, he made a dress inspired by Alyssa's ladybug maternity dress from the beginning of the episode. It feels like a younger counterpart. He paints I Love You in sign forms, but he's safe so he doesn't get to explain that. Because, otherwise, it is just a very pretty party dress.
• Portland - It's a very strange dress. She was married while on the show previously. Has gotten divorced. And is engaged now. Meanwhile, this dress is a raspberry lace in a usual silhouette. But, then she adds on poofs at the wrists and extra long sleeves, as well as copper strapping around the waist. Oh, right, she's a Steampunk girl. This is a steampunk inspired modern take on the old west. It's Portland.
• Deathrage - He was just in a trainwreck breakup. And, his dress is a trainwreck. I could spend pages ripping it apart How nothing looks intentional, how the aymmetry does nothing for the silhouette or the body, how the slit up the dress is awful, how the weird way he did the waist is also asymmetrical and is counter to the bodice's asymmetry. But, knowing that he was in a trainwreck of a breakup and wanted to get that in dress form, then this dress is fucking perfect. It's an awful look, but it's solid for its intention.
• Egg - It's a dress from the 1960s. 
• Helen - She was put in the backburner. And, so, she made a dress that looks like it put the model in a bondage. The bust turned into a frown, and the arms looked strapped in at the side. It was emotionally sad and distraught. It was overworked.

The judging is so strange, but not incorrect. The judges go after Deathrage's chaos, but Deathrage doesn't sell his devastating relationship story to go with the dress. They correctly criticize everything, but the dress has an emotional story about a great relationship gone wrong. Nina criticizes Kate's dress comparing it to Dimitry's ultra-modern dress. Nina was so done with Kate. And, Kate's design really was boring.

The main story, however, is Nina gets her way no matter what. Much like we've been suspecting on the main Project Runway, Queen Nina is so forceful that her way is the primary way. Helen's tragic dress, which was a tragic masterpiece, was seconded to Sonjia's modern Gothic edginess. Which is sad, because Sonjia's was clearly the most innovative and the most radical.

In a season of Bravo-level Project Runway, the invasion of Lifetime Project Runway feels tragic. Suddenly, we have way too many elements, not enough time, producer manipulation, Queen Nina craziness, and terrible judging. Not to mention it had confusing product placement, and a weird story line that didn't make sense. Lame

Random Observations

• Nina has the best sour but stern poker face. And, her flip of the hair is perfect.
• Scott Davies, the jewelry dude, is amazingly stiff. Remember the gun being held off screen? I think this was also aimed at Mr. Davies. I expect these flat deliveries from the designers, but from the SVP of Marketing? Gorgeous.
• Swatch is always sleeping. We need more active Swatch.
• Interestingly, nobody gets free marketing at Project Runway. When Sonjia is joshing Kate about being married, she's drinking a Red Bull, whose logo has been covered by a post-it note.
• Did I just compare Project Runway to a Nazi propagandist documentary? Yes, I did.
• I know we haven't spent much time on sartorial choices, but what is with Deathrage's neckbeard? It's getting distracting again.
• Alyssa looks like a disco ball in her runway outfit.
• When Justin's model turns, you can see panties...
• If you watched Project Runway: Threads, the winning kid also created the same neckline that Helen was so celebrated for.
• "Whatever those relationship experiences were, at least you got a good dress out of it."

Project Runway All-Stars S4 E3: Something Wicked This Way Comes

Stage show challenges are a favorite of Project Runway. It is understandable, considering the show is filmed in NYC in close proximity to Broadway. We've seen tie ins ranging from figure skating to the Rockettes to The Thunder Down Under. In fact, the Godspell challenge had a costume designed for the stage worn in the show. It is in this vei...

Wait...what? It seems that outside producers have figured out that one-day challenges suck. And, they don't want to commit to having to put a shitty outfit on stage sight unseen. They have good cause too, considering some of the lackluster designs that have come out. As a result, Project Runway All-Stars combined the stage show challenge with the avant-garde challenge, with the promise that the outfit would be in a window somewhere in the lobby.

The inspiration for this week is Wicked, the still-running musical about the Wicked Witch of the West. Wicked has been running for 11 years now, and is a Broadway juggernaut. I imagine that the ticket sales might be waning by now (especially with 2 different US tours also going around). There is no stopping Wicked, much like there's no stopping Project Runway.

The challenge this week pairs up the designers and pits them against each other. One side designs for Good, and the other designs for Wicked. The challenge runs two days, during which the All Stars must design a couture avant garde gown. The odd-on favorite of this is Chris March, who had designed one of Project Runway's all-time show stoppers with Christian Siriano (aka judge of Project Runway Threads). 

Obviously, the intent of this is to create drama and in-group animosity. Friends will become enemies, designers will fight with each other, ideas will be stolen, stress will be created. But, because Project Runway All Stars is running like the classic Project Runway, everybody is mainly bitter at having to compete one-on-one instead of at each other. The designers, and the editors, seem to be pointed against the producers for trying to generate drama instead of actually making good television.

On the other hand, we're actually getting a 2-day challenge for once. I imagine this is in no small part due to the late start they're probably getting. Unless Alyssa Milano woke up at like 3 am to get her makeup and hair done, fitted for her dress, and then harnessed on top of a moon, I imagine day one was a late start as day one was finished before the first commercial break. Which seems insane.

The two days allows for some of the most interesting failures. Helen, for instance, creates a big gorgeous ruffle fabric, which is immediately reminiscent of the afore-mentioned March and Siriano success. But, she doesn't know what to do with it, and just attaches it like a giant carpet or something. She had a great seedling of an idea, and was able to execute it...but didn't know what to do with that seedling. 

Fabio doesn't DO gowns, so elects to deconstruct the gown. Well, not so much as deconstruct, but construct the idea of a gown. Well, not so much as the idea of a gown, but a half-assed apron. He actually does two outfits, and puts the one that most people were criticizing, in a group think, on the runway. I'm not talking about confessional criticizing, but openly telling Fabio he's making a mistake. Still, he doesn't listen.

On the other hand, there are some interesting work arounds. Both Egg and Sonjia find fabrics where half of the work has already been done for them. Sonjia found a gorgeous edgy lace which doesn't look like the usual lace. It's a gorgeously constructed fabric with an intricate and unusual pattern cut into it. Egg finds a rhinestone fabric which glitters like the best of Broadway. It's a gorgeous fabric where you just have to put it into an interesting shape to make it look good.

Zanna comes around really early in the episode this week. In reality, she makes her appearance at 1:15pm on Day 2, which means that everybody has about half of a day to figure out how to make things better. This week, she's amazing. She has some great critiques. "Shower loofah." "Avoid every bone in your body." "Dullsville." "Get rid of anything that resembles crafty." Some people listen, and they're in the top. 

The best comment of the episode goes to Dimitry, who criticizes the afore-mentioned Fabio group think. According to Dimitry, the gang spends 30 minutes hemming and hawwing over Fabio's gown, and Dimitry is like "how the hell do you have the time for this?" Which, really? Although, Chris March, one of the guys in the group think, once took a nap in his original season.

The only detriment to these early episodes is that, in 60 minutes, the editors don't have any time to craft stories. Egg got some time this episode. Helen, so far, hasn't started any drama. The closest to a villain is Dimitry being periodically bitchy and self-absorbed. But, you know what? I'm not rooting against anybody this season. I'm rooting for Chris, because I absolutely loved his final collection and am still bitter I didn't get to see that in motion on tv. I really love Fabio's design. Justin is still a really sympathetic character who has great ideas that don't seem to get fully drawn out. Jay and Sonjia are edgy and fantastic. I mean, some people have tastes I don't like (*ahem* Portland *ahem*), but I'm not rooting against anybody this year. That's actually refreshing.

Runway

This week, Georgina Chapman has been replaced by Betsey Johnson (can we keep her?). And, the main guest is Ariel Winters, from Modern Family.

• Helen - So, remember when I said that she had a great idea and didn't know what to do with it. Remember when Zanna warned her that her giant ruffle thing could look like a shower loofah? Well, Helen decided to use the ruffles as a side attachment. It looks like a bath mat got stuck to the dress. Which matches the great sofa upholstry fabric she uses for the rest of the dress. Betsey later says it looks like a place to rest your drinks. It's really ridiculous and does seem like it should be for hiding something. Like, if you put a shelf into the dress you could have a bar at an awards ceremony ("would you like an old fashioned? Here, let me just get the mixers..."). The rest of the dress is an easy dress with black thingies sticking out of her shoulder for...some reason. Epic. Fail.
• Benjamin - Helen's counterpart. He makes an outfit that could be worn in an 80s sex comedy where somebody makes a deal with the devil in order to become a lothario. Especially if it were in red. It's also remarkably undetailed, with his fabric doing all the work for him. I can't find any way it's couture or avant-garde. He better thank his lucky stars that Helen pushed the envelope and failed.
• Deathrage - Here's one of those interesting failures. The fabric at the top is this white sik with a dark overlay that has been hand molded to create visual lines of dark and light. It looks like a purchased zebra fabric, but it isn't. It's gorgeous, but it doesn't do much for the dress itself. The feathers (what is with all the feathers this episode?!) are just attached at the top, and the bottom is dullsville. 
• Dmitry - Gorgeous. It looks like it could be high fashion or a Broadway costume. What looked crafty at the time of Zanna's meeding has been beaded and feathered over to give the cutouts added texture. The back is amazingly constructed. It looks like a haunted, wicked, look, and the handwork is immediately obvious.
• Sonjia - Here's a dress that I really don't get. The top is amazing. Sonjia lets the elaborate lace do a lot of the heavy lifting, and her Roman feather shoulders make for a great finish at the shoulders and even at the bottom of the skirt. But, then there's the dress, which looks like she took her boyfriend's trench coat and tied it around her waist for some reason. I don't see it as interesting, but just a dress. It looks cheap, and it ruins the bottom half for me.
• Kate - Overworked. It looks like a Hot Topic Halloween costume. The fabric choice is terrible, the skirt overlay is too much, the shoulders are awful, and the whole thing just feels tortured.
• Portland - It's a basic dress with a hidden vulva on her back. I feel like this is from Invasion of the Body Snatchers or something in order to show that you don't have an alien on your back. And, the vagina shape, complete with shin flaps, is just out O'Keefing Georgia. She got the avant-garde portion down, because...this is avant-garde to the max. But, the dress is boring and ill-constructed from the front and hilarious from the back.
• Chris - This feels like he went more for the Broadway side of things. This dress is a total Monet. From afar, it has a stagey presence that would play to the backseats. The styling cements it as an 80s goth band dancer. But, up close, the dress looks cheap and store bought. I love the effect he created, but the finishing was awful. Except for the petticoat, which is fabulous.
• Fabio - It's a sci-fi futuristic apron on a fabulous pair of pants. It doesn't create the idea of a gown. It is avant-garde, but I also don't see couture in it. It just is kind of out there and risky. Which, I can kind of get behind...in a way. Just not for this challenge.
• Justin - Neither avant garde nor couture. It's a boring but pretty dress with some sparkles on it.
• Jay - What? The reason I love this dress is because it made me go what? I hate this dress otherwise. His model is styled to look like a guy. The dress looks like it could be in the video for Army of Lovers' Crucified, and the ruffles...it just...it's risky. Which is good. But, it's terrible. Much like Helen's dress.
• Egg - The fabric does so much of the work for her. It's a pretty dress with sparkly fabric. The shape is kind of interesting in the jacket, but it looks like it's just meh.

The great dresses were generally up against really good dresses, and the bad dresses were up against other bad dresses. When Alyssa named the first three - Portland, Justin, Egg - I genuinely thought we were getting the losers of the group. Justin's is boring. Egg's is boring. Portland's is boring. But, then Sonjia was called, and I was like, "Wait, they thought Sonjia's was terrible? Maybe they didn't like the skirt too." Then, Benjamin and Dmitry. With Dmitry's being the only genuinely perfect outfit in the winners. Sonjia, Egg, and Dmitry are in the top. Chris, Fabio, and Helen are in the bottom. 

Chris designed right into Betsey Johnson's wheelhouse, but she seems excited by how awful it is. In fact, she seems to be having fun with all of the designers. She calls Chris' "Wonderfully wickedly wrong." She tells Helen that she liked the dress because she thought it was a place to rest your drink, or your arm, and laughs. She also tells Egg that her outfit is boring, which it is. 

That being said, the big toss up is between Helen and Chris. Helen's is a trainwreck from conception, but shows a lot of work. Chris is far more simplistic, and should have been able to at least shape the fishbone to the curves of a body. Chris went home because this was the second week in a row where his outfit was lazy and awful. While, Helen stays in.

Sonjia wins, but I still really don't get the dress wrap around.

Random Observations

• What is with Benjamin being fascinated by the smoke machines??\
• I miss the extended Handlebar Moustache Guy sequences.
• Why don't the designers do any of the hair like in the International Conference video? This is the avant-garde challenge. Go Loud and Proud!
• Apparently somebody just strapped a bolt of fabric to Alyssa Milano and called it good...
• Betsey Johnson has the best giant lipstick. She doesn't give a fuck.
• Why is Helen wearing a nurse's outfit on the stage?

Project Runway All Stars S4 E2: "The Art of Construction"

By the end of this episode, we will see some of the lowest moments of Project Runway. Lower than fawning over a Samsung refrigerator. This is right up there with Red Robin's remake an ugly suit challenge where we didn't even get to watch the designers run over and strip the models. And, yet, this season of All Stars is running almost like Bravo-era Project Runway.

This week is the much vaunted and feared Unconventional Challenge. We know its both vaunted and feared because Alyssa Milano tells us so, continuing Project Runway's running theme of celebrating themselves to the audience already watching^{RO 2}. Alyssa then runs through a bunch of previous unconventional challenges this year's All Stars had done, just in case you cared or forgot.

Construction is this week's theme, introduced by some B-roll of NYC construction workers^{RO 3}. The construction site the designers are visiting is a warehouse stage used in Fashion week, with a bunch of construction site things sitting around, including a No Cell Phone sign and a couple of lumbersexual models wearing helmets and vests. Alyssa tells the designers they can strip the models, but then corrects herself that the can take the protective gear. So, no real taking of clothing. Dammit, Lifetime.

Today's goal is to make the "masculine" materials into the most "feminine" outfit possible. Thus bringing into question the gender construct reinforcement of Project Runway. Society has deemed that construction work is not feminine and that sexy, curve fitting, clothing is feminine. By reappropriating construction materials for a feminine outfit, one could easily argue that Lifetime and Project Runway are making a political statement about women just playing dressup in order to participate in masculine behaviors such as construction. Or, that women shouldn't play with boys things because femininity. Either way, we're getting the social binaries completely reinforced with this episode, and we didn't even see any naked mens.

The usual rush for materials that comes with the unconventional challenge comes with an opportunity for the producers to try to create drama, but what it really does is mark Alexandria as either winner or loser. Alexandria goes all aggressive, has her back story (Camp Couture) reaffirmed, and she says she's still bitter about her previous loss. Be wary of her bitterness and aggression going into her dress.

The actual drama comes from Chris March and Dimitry. Chris starts on making a rope halter top, when Dimitry works on a rope dress. Chris's halter is unflattering and unimaginative in its construction from the start, while Dimitry is creating swirls, cups, and accentuating the female form with his. Chris gets bitter and starts bitching about how Dimitry steals his look, but doesn't actually do anything about it.

As per the rules of the unconventional materials challenge, there is a fair amount of struggle in figuring out how to make the materials into fabric. There is a fair amount of trying to manipulate tarp as if they're using cotton (Jay, Alexandria), and also the usual hot gluing materials onto muslin. The most successful of the designers use the material to create an illusion of fabric, while the least successful are the ones who can't think outside of the fabric box.

Last week, I didn't get to note how much I love Zanna Roberts Rassi. Much like I think All Stars' judging is more honest and compelling than Original Flavor, but I am getting to love Rassi even more than Tim Gunn (though I still think that Joanna Coles, the Ice Princess, was a great mentor). Zanna comes in and rips apart outfits with single words. She tells Portland, "Doesn't that feel a bit...sporty?" By which she means, "off the rack." But, Portland hears "sporty" as "sporty" and ignores her. She also constantly drills the idea of "feminine" into the designers. Rassi hits a lot of the correct criticisms, but people don't listen. The big problem is that she doesn't finish her mentoring until 7:30 (see the clock over her shoulder), and they only work until 10. How can you change your direction if you don't get a second eye until most of the way into the day? I thought I remembered Coles being done with her mentoring by like 5:30, giving them half the day.

Soon enough it's runway. Here is the main problem with modern day Project Runway. The main guest judges are fucking Snooki and J-Woww, aka Jersey Shore. Their 15 minutes should have been up years ago, and their ratings are down, but Lifetime insists on foisting them upon us. In the meantime, the other guest judge (yes, there were three guest judges this week) was the always insightful Elie Tahari. Elie Tahari is given the back seat for the Jersey Shore judges. If this doesn't encapsulate the problems with Project Runway, I don't know what does.

Runway

• Jay - Here is an example of tarp being used as fabric. The silhouette is great, and what he did with the fraying is fantastic. But, it looks like tarp and nails. It feels like a costume more than fashion. The other bad thing is that Jay's styling is awful. The models hair and makeup don't scream strong warrior. And, the shoes don't really go well. For such a look, Jay needs to step up his styling.
• Fabio - GORGEOUS. I mean, sure this is made from twine, but he quilted his own fabric. Like Jay, however, his styling is awful. This is practically a raver outfit, and the model looks like she stepped out for a quick run to the grocery store. The outfit is so strong it just needs finishing touches. But, it is totally Fabio, and it looks like it would belong in his Final collection.
• Kate - She uses her materials to create the illusion of fabric. She uses pieces of plastic to create the illusion of having a white fluffy dress and netting to create the illusion of lace. The challenge is all about illusion and Kate nails it. 
• Alexandria - Tarp used as fabric. It looks like tarp. The fencing looks like fencing. The trash bag underneath the fence looks like a trash bag. Plus, it's practically a high class hooker outfit, especially with the over the top jewels. The hair didn't help reduce the 80s vibe.
• Portland - I would love this if it weren't so ugly. It's a sporty off the rack dress that has hideous colors. I love the graphic element, but think the color choices are atrocious.
• Helen - It's hot glued, but it looks like fabric. It doesn't look like the material, but it doesn't stop me from thinking that it's just hot glued pieces onto fabric. It does look like its from a 90s video game though.
• Benjamin - Drop Cloth used to create the illusion of fabric. It's kind of elegant and classy. I'm not sure about the party fringe on top, which was the unusual material (because a drop cloth dress would be against the spirit of the challenge). 
• Deathrage - Tarp used as fabric. Here it works, for some reason. I actually loved this look, but it feels like the wrong challenge. They wanted something feminine and fashonable, and he gave them something that would be for the pop diva challenge. When he says he could see Beyonce in it, he means on stage not on the runway or red carpet.
• Egg - I love the top. It feels like the ridiculous runway fashions that get put out year after year. But, the skirt is a snoozefest. Construction vest used as fabric? Zzzzzzzzz.
• Dmitry - This walks the line between high fashion and eurotrash. The top is kind of fashionable, but the number of ropes (or lack there of) makes it fall straight into the eurotrash. And, the slicked back hair with the red lips doesn't help it at all. Plus, the back is a total trainwreck.
• Chris - But, Chris' is just lazy. Other than removing the zip ties, I don't think he did anything more with the top since he started bitching about Dmitry's design. And, the bottom is just lazy. This is a pure amateur hour shitshow. And, as much as I love Chris, he should have gone home for this shit.
• Sonjia - A woman was attacked by tape. 
• Justin - This is a total Monet. From afar it is glittery and pretty. Up close, it's kind of dull and ugly. I don't respond to it like everybody else, I think because the cameras are too close to it. It looks like a bunch of zip ties that doesn't fall into an illusion for me. I'm not sure I get it.

The judging here isn't as trainwrecky as one would expect with the judges, but the fact that Elie gets a backseat in the editing really frustrates me. He generally has some great advice, but is edited down to primarily trying to say good things about the lowest rated designers. In the end, Alexandria goes home, in no small part due to her lack of creativity (using tarp as fabric and creating a boring dress with it...yawn. 

In the end, Alexandria goes home, and Justin wins (for the first time!).

Random Observations

• Egg Samantha gets to speak at the beginning of the episode, and has a featured past outfit! She is barely heard from again.
• What is the point of Project Runway celebrating themselves so damned much? I think we've noticed it, but it has never been a point of discussion. Neither Rupaul's Drag Race, nor The Amazing Race engage in such blatant acts of self-fellation. It's a very uncool thing to do. If you're the best, act like it. Don't go around vaunting your accolades to the audience who is already watching, go out and advertise yourself. Do you hear the cool kids saying, "I'm cool" or "I'm tough" or whatever? No. They just are. Stop it, Project Runway. You should be better than this.
• With all the talk about street harassment, I had to wonder if Project Runway bothered getting the workers to sign releases for this, or if they stole the imagery for the show, filming in creepy cam.
• Jay is really pushing for being a Reality Show Personality. I didn't remember him from his season, but he is shouting WOO and squealing with the same pitch as the air horn siren. 
• Isaac: "I'm not one to kind of like something very sharp around someone's neck. I guess there's something dangerous, I guess that's why you like it, Alyssa. She likes dangerous clothes, right?"
  Alyssa: "Like my men."

Under the Gunn S1 E13: "Finale"

On Monday, I finally got the chance to attend a weekly screening here in Seattle of Rupaul's Drag Race, hosted by Ben DelaCreme, a local drag queen. Luckily, this week was also co-hosted by last year's winner, the amazingly awesome Jinx Monsoon, who was a local drag force.

Stay with me for a little while, and I'll tie in the relevance of Drag Race to Under the Gunn. First, I'm not a normal Drag Race watcher (Bad Gay!), so this story is about a first time watch for this season. Anyways, if you watched Rupaul's Drag Race this week, you know that there was a total of THREE HOURS of Drag Race this week, with 2 back to back full episodes, followed by 2 episodes of Untucked. And, if you watched this week, then you know that Dela was on the chopping block in the first episode and almost on the chopping block on the second episode.

What was amazing when watching Drag Race with a local crowd who all knew and loved Dela was the sheer amount of caring and relief that happened this week. The event is a free event, with a cash bar and dinner, please tip the volunteer staff. It happened in a huge ballroom, and the whole house was standing room only. I stood for 2 of the three hours (because people needed to leave before midnight, instead of the usual 10:30pm), plus an additional 90 minutes before the show in order to secure my section of the wall. Doors were open at 6:30 for a 9:00 showtime. People were lined into the hall. Of course, this was in Seattle's gayborhood, where we all know and have loved Ben Delacreme. We've seen him perform. He does theatre shows here in Seattle. 

Everybody in that packed ballroom was charged when Dela was on the chopping block and had to lip sync for her life. When Darienne, the chopping block teammate, was declared the lip sync winner the house was on the edge. And, when Dela got a pass, the whole room cheered and was practically a riot. Namely, because we were invested in the contestant who was on the chopping block. 

While watching Drag Race, I realized just how intimately Drag Race allowed us to get with the contestants. One of the things that Drag Race does is give all of their contestants the room to breathe and to tell their life stories. We see them relate to each other as they are working to create. In the two hours, I learned that Joslyn was a young queen who idolized Courtney because they were from the same scene, and that Courtney felt she was above Joslyn. Bianca is a mother hen who took people under her wing and criticized people in order to help them develop throughout the show. Laganja is a very young queen (24) who, like all the other queens, used her persona in order to project a powerful image...but was also rather fake and constructed drama around herself. Trinity was an insecure queen who was taken under Bianca's wing and finally gained the confidence to fly. In 2 hours, there were enemies, friends, constructed plots, and drama...all while they were also working on whatever bits they were working on and creating their costumes for the next day.

The same care was not given to Under the Gunn and its editing. Throughout this season, Under the Gunn has struggled with being overstuffed and trying to minimize the drama. Which is OK considering the mega drama that happened with last fall's Project Runway. But, what Under the Gunn didn't keep in, at least until the last minute, was our designer's personal lives. In turn, Sam's reveal last week of his bullying felt more than manipulative. The other thing that has happened is that, of all the designers left, the only two that have a point of view are not the ones that make good clothing. Sam and Asha both are trying to have distinctive looks to their clothing, but they're both inconsistent. Nobody has a singular style like, for instance, Patricia (like her or not, she had a vision), or even Portland's steampunk style. 

I know I'm beating a dead horse one last time, but the construction of Under the Gunn is overstuffed for its running time. It wants to focus on the creation process, focus on the designers' interpersonal team relationships, and focus on the mentors and their relationships. Of the mentors, the only one who had a positive learning arc has been Uncle Nick, who learned to let his designers breathe...over and over again. And...there wasn't much room for anything else. Mondo didn't learn. Anya didn't develop. The designers had emotions from exhaustion but...they didn't lead to anything

Who am I rooting for, while going in to the episode? Oscar. He's a great tailor and has made some really good outfits, even if I can't quite see a running throughstyle. He has time management, and probably could be a decent businessman. And, he's genuinely nice. Second choice would be Shan. Sure I've been ribbing him for being one of the femmiest straight boys on the show, but he's good people and he also makes solid looks for the most part, though generally I haven't seen much of a throughline. Sam is too underdeveloped as a designer. And, Asha...well...admittedly I kind of like some of the pieces she does, but she really pulled one out on Natalia.

It is with this mindset that I sat down to watch the final episode of Project Runway: Under the Gunn.

It seems that it's not only I who thinks that the designers aren't well drawn, nor are their character arcs. The show opens with a brief series-long recap of the designers. But, even these brief pre-credits recaplets stays rather shallow.

• "Asha has been improving all season, and winning one challenge!" 
• "Sam has been a judge's favorite, but has recently begun struggling with self-confidence." 
• Oscar is a "charming Cuban-American" who was "once a long shot." 
• Shan "has impressed not only with his designs, but with his speed and skills."

But, we only have an hour to get through everything, and there's a LOT stuffed in this episode. There's 3 days of designing, finishing the designers' stories, 4 runways of 5 outfits each, finishing the mentors' story arcs, getting in all the marketing, and a couple additional marketing bumps we've not seen before.

So, today's is sponsored by a car company, who loans the designer groups use of a car to go to Mood. The designers have 3 days to do 5 outfits in a mini-collection. So, it's an All-Star styled finale as opposed to a full season finale. Just in case you didn't guess.

During the initial sketch period, we're also attempting to solidify people's story arcs through their clothing. Sam wants to do a story of a girl whose armor disintegrates throughout the five looks, reflecting the breakdown he put on last week. Nick encourages Oscar to tell his story of being a Cuban-American and the struggle to get here. Shan needs to pull from his heart because he's exhausted. Asha wants to do an Egyptian Queen in Brooklyn...because she has an ego. Or something.

We head off to Mood where the designers have 1 hour to spend $2500. ZOMG. And, then, there's a brief in-show commercial for eyebrow waxing or sculpting or something. Whatever. It lasts all of 17 seconds, and you barely even notice that it existed. Because, we don't have time!!!

Next we get reintroduced to the last designers eliminated, because the designers get helpers. On Day 2, the designers get a visit from their families. Because the designers aren't robots, despite them not having much of a story, and have families and boyfriends and wives and whatever. Oscar's mom is so adorable, but she only is on for a brief shot. But, they're only there to say that these people have families as their back stories aren't highlighted, but the designers' success are highlighted because...I dunno. Family segment: 2min 15sec.

We end our first block by doing one half of a mentor critique, for Asha.

And, it's time for our first commercial break!

DAMN!!  So, when I wrote the first part of this recap, I hadn't yet watched the episode. I wrote it earlier in the day today, and was truly my feelings about the show overall. I didn't realize that the Finale episode would exacerbate and highlight and underline all of the issues that I have with the condensed over-filled format that Under the Gunn took on.

So, the mentor critiques are interestingly buzzy. Asha is regressing back to costumes. Sam gets a confidence boost from Tim Gunn when Mondo was critiquing. Shan is basically told to find himself. And, Oscar is making a greatest hits collection.

We don't get any time for model fittings. We don't get any time for interaction between designers. We get some confessional critiquing of each other's work, and defense of their own work. And then it's time for our second commercial break. Whole time of second block: ~5 minutes.

The third segment begins with 40 seconds of fellating the theater and stage. We get a brief period with makeup and hair. And then another 20 seconds of fellating the event/red carpet. And, it's time for runway already!! Jebus!

Tonight's special guest judges: Heidi Klum, Neil Patrick Harris.

Sam
His runway really started off strong and slightly experimental ready to wear. But, as the armor elements fell away, the clothes just started getting more and more normal. The first outfit is a glam showstopper for a winter collection with a glinty hard-edged look that just looks gorgeously asymmetrical. The second continues, but has an interesting green highlight tab. It's almost a bit Christmasy and overly simple, but the vertical graphic of the stripes really sells the look. Then, it goes straight into off-the-rack. The third look is pretty, but it's a shirt and skirt. The fourth look is the same, but the fifth look is the worst because we've all see that dress time and again. So, much like the competition, he started off strong but then petered away. I don't think he intended the petering part.

Shan
Hard and Soft. Leather and Lace. This collection was ALL over the place. I really liked all of the individual pieces but there was a lot in each piece, and their color disparities just was all over the map. What he didn't really do was spend time crafting a runway show, even by choosing the order correctly. He starts off with a bad-ass warrior bitch goddess outfit straight out of Tomb Raider or Resident Evil, jumps into earthy and brown leather and lace that's just hectic, goes straight into a booming red simple outfit, which leads back into a medium simple beige look, which comes back to red and black leather with a bomb ass jacket. It feels like a cohesive collection that could have been helped by a lot of reordering. Open with the second look that has all of the confused elements that make up everything, lead that into the fourth kind of boring look, have that bleed into the red simple dress, which leads into the bombing leather jacket look with then finishes with the video game heroine look. It tells a better story at least. A lot of these elements are damned awesome (A LOT), but it's all a bit much and confused.

Asha
Costumes. I thought they were IJ costumes. But, Studio 54 did cough up many of these outfits. There isn't much that I like about any of the pieces. The best piece were the awesome red leggings under the caftan that everybody was going gaga for.

Oscar
It's a cuban-tinged greatest hits look. His collection suffered because of his first look, which is dull. and should have been hidden much later in the collection. Pieces 2-5 were kind of amazing. The second look especially. But, I keep wanting one more piece after his final look. He needed to end on a showstopper, and his final look was sort of dull. He needed one more wow moment at the end. But, he only had 3 days to create the whole collection, so mad props. However, other than the lace, this collection didn't feel all that cohesive. It was just a lot of really good fashions from a bunch of different designers.

Not so surprisingly, I found myself constantly agreeing with both Heidi Klum and Neil Patrick Harris. Sam had the most cohesive collection, but it was really ready to wear and started fading after look 3. Asha was a complete miss. Shan was good, though it was a touch much. And, Oscar had great pieces and was a good designer, but he didn't have a solid point of view. So, who do you choose? They were all deeply flawed in a way.

Personally, I would probably have given it to Sam because he has a point of view, but I don't know that he had that adventurous of a style in order to make it in his own line. Oscar is good, but he doesn't have a point of view. But, I don't feel disappointed in the choice they made, which was to give Oscar the win.

And, so ends Under the Gunn. Oscar wins. Which, yay. And, is surprising to me because I underestimated him at the beginning due to his tendency to overdesign. But, I can't say that this format worked for me. There was too much time spent on the mentors who ended up not having much of a character arc, and not enough time getting to know the designers. By the time Under the Gunn realized that we didn't know who the designers were, it became too little too late. This format would have been better in a 90 minute format.

What allows The Voice to work more than Under the Gunn is that The Voice has 3 hours every week. A two-hour episode on Monday and a one-hour episode on Tuesday. Or, maybe that's Tuesday/Wednesday. It gives everything room to breathe, and doesn't feel so overstuffed. Maybe with a 90-minute format, at least, the show would have been afforded more time to get to know the designers in the beginning and thus let the viewers invest in the designers, even if they didn't have specific design voices.

And, it seems the Project Runway year is over. One of Project Runway prime, one of All Stars and one of Under the Gunn. Whew. Good luck. Thanks for reading!

Random Observations

• "Your son's hands; I am in awe." Teehee!
• "He makes clothes that are functional and believable." - I'd hope so...
• "I hate coutour" - Oh, Sam.
• "I call my collection 'Hipster Nonsense.'" - Ugh
• "I was getting 1920s circus carny coutour. Not my favorite." AMEN!!
• "I also liked Sam!" - Heidi Klum, always being difficult. Love you, Heidi!

Under The Gunn S1 E12: "Superhero Fashion"

OK fellow readers, here we are! We're almost done with this season's set of episodes. We're down to four, and after tonight, we'll be down to three. Hopefully, Asha will be gone, but it could be Sam. I remember that all three were in the finale clip we saw at the beginning of the season, so those are the only two possible outcomes, right? Right?

It's been a long season. The premiere was in 2 separate 90-minute blocks. There was an episode where we didn't have an elimination. We started off episode 3 with 12 designers, have knocked off 8 of them, and here we are.  *sigh*

I'm gonna be blunt. I'm finding it hard to get behind most of the designers this week. I know you are too. I'm rallying against Asha, but even that just seems unworthy of my energy. Maybe I'm having a Project Runway meltdown.

Speaking of meltdown, today we go to Meltdown Comics where the Marvel juggernaut can get in some free advertising for whatever superhero movie is coming out this week, as well as their comic books. And, it's also advertising for a Tim Gunn edition of Iron Man. But, really, it's all about Marvel because god forbid anybody read or learn about any of the independent geeky comic labels that exist, like Fantagraphics (Seattle!), Dark Horse, or Image. 

Anyways, we're introduced to the VP of Animation, Cort Lane...which...um...hot! Well, except for his hair. Cort, you're really hot, but you're soooo fucking WeHo. Does he bleach his hair? It looks like it in other photos. He's a hot cub, I just want hot cubs to not have be so affected by the shallow WeHo standards, which are so plastic and unsexy it's not even funny. Still, I'd not kick him out of bed. Maybe he could replace Mondo for a week so I can gaze at he all episode.

The goal this week is to pick one of four superheroes and to make a female outfit inspired by these superheroes, without going to costume. Oscar chooses Gamora, the most dangerous woman in the universe. Asha chooses Falcon, the first African-American superhero. Sam chooses Hawkeye, a rebel. And, Shan chooses Captain Marvel, formerly Ms Marvel, a strong woman or something. Why, yes, Marvel does have a couple of female superheroes...apparently. Just because Gamora is a side or group character in most of her comics, doesn't mean she doesn't count! Shut up!

The main thrust of this week's drama is Sam and Shan centric. Sam gets stuck in a gloomy depressed place because he's been all alone and under pressure for a month, and now that he's in the final four, he knows that it's time to let his drama fly so he can be in the final three! First he chooses Hawkeye because he's a rebel. Then, he starts reading the Hawkeye comic book and sulking in the green room so everybody can see him sulking in the background. Then he opens up about being teased on the bus as a kid...which was so done last season. "Just like what every gay kid has to go through." And, then, at the end of the episode, he talks about his suicide attempts! WAY TO GO SAM! 

Sorry if I sound a bit cynical, but, throughout the episode, he hit a lot of different buttons. Not that it's not a typical story of gay people around the world, but it seemed rather calculated compared to other reveals. Especially given what he eventually ends up with.  But, we'll get to that when the time is right...

Shan is also feeling lonely, but he constantly reminds us that YES, Shan is straight, and YES, Shan is married with three kids. Stop thinking he's gay! He's very married, thank you. Oscar also wants some drama time, but his attempts at creating drama is so half-assed compared to bullying and suicide. Oscar only has semi-low confidence due to a bad critique last week. I have to say, I respect his trying not to fabricate drama to save his ass. Asha saved her ass by throwing Natalia under the bus a couple weeks ago, so she doesn't need to be the star of this week. And, yes, I'm still bitter about that.

Sam's design has been waylaid by his day-long depression, so he only has a variety of fabrics to show with an explanation of what he's doing. He has a LOT of fabrics. A LOT. Purple, and polka-dot, and another patterns, and another color and things are color blocked and...it's all confused. But, because we have to walk on eggshells with Mondo and his positivity, Tim tells him that this is SMASHING, and that's in a good way. By the time we get to the model fitting, his whole top is completely confused. There's purple underneath a black and white hash pattern with a thick black shoulder strap. It's like the 80s got drunk and vomited all over the 90s. And, to add to it, he gives his model an afro, adding in the 1970s. 

We finally boogie down to the runway. This week's special guest judge is Jaime Alexander, a co-star of Thor 2. See! There are females in Marvel movies!!

• Oscar (Team Nick): It's a borderline costume. I mean it's a badass outfit that totally captures powerful aspects while also emphasizing the model as a female. The cloak is kind of cool. but, its the giant panels of fabric that extend from the shoulders that take it into costume land for me. They're unnecessary but would look cool in slow-mo.  It's rather Gamora, but not literal.
• Asha (Team Mondo): A Grecian goddess meets a warrior. It's not bad. It's just not that superhero to me. It's a little too soft to be warrior. And, more than that, I don't see any connection from the hard-edged urban Falcon to the Grecian goddess. Maybe I'm missing it though.
• Sam (Team Mondo): Wut?! You're kidding, right? I'm sorry you guys, but...this is a clown outfit. Those pants are amazing pajama clown pants. The top is an amazing bib that doesn't match the pants. The back of the top is long and deep (because superheroes don't wear bras) with all sorts of manner of straps hanging down in weird directions. Then there's the bit that's stained. It's a fucking mess. It's not boring, but it's not good.
• Shan (Team Anya): LOVE. LOVE LOVE LOVE. Hard-edged bad ass dress with leather straps. I mean, we've seen bits and pieces of it before. But, put together it is a great and amazing outfit that is all strength and fierceness. Amazing. 

The judging makes good observations. You guys, I haven't mentioned the judging much, but I think the judges on this show are actually really good. There isn't much egregious terrifying lapses in judgement, and they say things that I think we're all thinking. The only time things go haywire is supposedly after Sam breaks down on the runway. He doesn't bring up his suicide attempts on the runway literally, saving that for the asides. Or, at least that's the way it's edited. Anyways, after the suicide attempt reveals, suddenly everybody starts revealing their private parts of their lives and say that Sam's outfit is interesting. For some reason. And, nobody wins. Nobody loses.

What a gyp. Finale is a one-parter next week with special guests Heidi Klum and Neil Patrick Harris! If there's one way to get me to be excited for next week, it's fucking Neil Patrick Harris. OMG, that guy is awesome.

Stray Observations:

• Cort Lane is really hot, but he has nothing on Handlebar Moustache Guy. *swoon* Maybe they could get their own reality show together? I know, I've been swooning over HMG for years now, but...he's so fucking hot.
• Asha was hilarious. "Sam isn't being himself. He's not even talking to me!!!" It's so Asha centric, I couldn't even deal.
• Oscar is totally channelling Bruce Willis with his hat choice.
• No, Mondo, Asha did not expose such a private part of her soul. That was just an outfit. And kind of a storebought one compared to previous works.
• The Trevor Project is totally worthwhile. I highly recommend passing their glory around. The more people who know about The Trevor Project, the better. Because the more people who know, the more people who will use them, and the more lives that may be saved. Which is a good thing. Just keep the trauma off the runway.

Under the Gunn S1 E11: The Benefit of Fashion

Last week, I noted that we finally were moving from a mentor-focused series to a designer-focused series. This is a big relief because it allows us to root for somebody with actual feeling behind the characters. Not to mention, I think we're all a little tired of the mentors. Mondo became a huge dick last week that nobody likes. Anya is rather a hypocrite. And, Nick...well, he keeps having the same revelation of trying to leave his designers to design on their own.

The designers that remain:

• Asha - The single-episode villain who was a complete bitch to Natalia last week. Distanced, egotistical, and...I hate her because of how she treated Natalia last week. (Mentor: Mondo)
• Sam - The delightfully bitchy youngster. I kind of love his periodic lapses into snark. Funny, happy, genuinely kind of nice. (Mentor: Mondo)
• Shan - The married man with kids...who almost seems more feminine than the gay guys. Friendly, gay, and lovely personality. (Mentor: Anya)
• Blake - Who? How is this guy still around? He wears glasses. (Mentor: Anya)
• Oscar - The Spanish guy who still benefits from being forced to edit. Hilarious, genuine, and able to take a leader role when needed. (Mentor: Nick)

Seriously, though...who is Blake? Do you guys know? I keep trying to find him and turning up nothing. More nothing than even Natalia. Whatever. He's still here and I don't actively dislike him. I just...he's a big blank slate.

This week, surprisingly, doesn't open with a bunch of morning chitty-chat in the hotel. Probably because Asha would have been left out since she's sleeping by herself. Instead, we're treated to a burlesque outfit, where the men freak out because...women and sex?!  ZOMG. Get your boobies off me! Where's your penis?! Seriously...I don't even know what's up with their reaction, because most of the gay men I know love burlesque and breasts. I mean, it's B&B! What gay man doesn't like B&Bs?

The burlesque is because the Benefit makeup company was started by a dancer who wanted to make her aureoles redder for more tips. Which, I didn't realize was a thing outside of Showgirls. For those of you who haven't seen, during Nomi's revenge scene, her nipples are angrily red. Which, I thought was a bizarre quirk of Verhoeven that went with her revenge nails.

The challenge is a burlesque challenge, right? The female stripper clothing challenge? Right? This oughta be fun! I love when the designers have to design tacky tear-away clothing. But, alas. Project Runway, you tricked me again. You scamps. This is actually the real woman challenge. There are five women who have five real life challenges that they're facing. And, the women have been pre-assigned to their designers. Which...what? Under the Gunn, you're going soft on us.

The women:

• Brittany: Problem; A semi-new mom on-the-go who also wants a figure flattering outfit to get out on the dating scene. ... (Designer: Shan)
• Dani: Problem: Supersmall tiny woman who also does pageants. She's adorable. (Designer: Oscar)
• Ruzena: Problem: A very slim figured geek with flat hair and glasses who dresses like a tomboy. Perfect for the cliched geek-to-hottie story that Hollywood loves. (Designer: Blake)
• Norah: Problem: Wants a professional look with bright colors that will go from office to night. (Designer: Sam)
• Erin: Problem: Lost 50 lbs but still has curves. Wants to show it off for her birthday party. (Designer: Asha)

If tradition holds, Sam and Blake are on top because they have women who are closer to model figures. Also, Dani would be on top, but she wants a gown which means that Oscar is going to compromise his usual taste levels and totally go pageanty for her. And, probably over the top pageant which could mean bottom of the barrel. But...we'll see how this show goes because its already thrown me for a few loops this week.

The client pairings get along well, but these designers are generally so timid and without their own vision that most of them get lost immediately. Sam has the idea to create a tight outfit. Shan has to figure out how to make something sophisticated and sexy that shows off a body that also has extra skin from motherhood. Blake...well...what does Blake do?  Does anybody remember? The only designers to keep a version of their vision through even the initial client conversations are Asha and Oscar. Asha because she is told to create something sexy with a lot of bling, Oscar because he seems perfect to create a pageant gown.

This extends to the fabric selection. Sam gets a variety of mis mashy fabrics. Shan gets a sequined fabric that I think my grandmother had in the 90s (she loved bling and things that shined. Asha goes gold. Oscar goes green. And, Blake...well...he gets the most hideous looking print I think I've ever seen on Project Runway. Who made that fabric in the first place? did he get it from the discount rack? Who the fuck is Blake?!

During the mentor consultations, the only people to get any praise are Oscar and Shan. Apparently old lady sequins are hip or something? I swear. Asha is going over the fucking top. Blake is lost...well...its not like we know who Blake is. Then Sam created an awesome bloody nursing outfit...which is more Halloween than fashion.

But, this episode throws another curveball to the audience because Shan's model is allergic to the fabric of Shan's top. She almost faints during the fitting then calls to say that she broke out in hives...which...lovely. Which means that the old lady top is gone, which is possibly the best thing that could have happened for Shan because that top was soooo boring. He ends up making three outfits by the end of the episode.

The other designers are visibly exhausted. And, it's practically like watching a Bataan Death March. Mondo is getting in a fight with Asha's client. Sam and Blake are both lost and tired. I think they switched the usual coffee with decaf or replaced the cocaine with flour, or something. Everybody's just drag-ass. Oscar's the only one who's still summery and bright, practically whistling a happy tune as he's finishing up his pageant dress. It helps that he's fast as hell.

Eventually we stumble across to the runway. I don't quite know how. This week's special guest judge is Annie Ford Danielson, Global Beauty...she works for Benefit.

Team Mondo

• Asha: Oh god. It's ugly. I can't even deal. First off, the client isn't dark skinned enough to be able to pull off that dark of a gold. You need to be really dark skinned to pull off that color fabric. Secondly, the fit is awful. I know the client is probably bulgy in odd spots because her skin may not have tightened up yet from losing 50 lbs, so its an odd job of hiding and showing things off. But, the fitting of the dress is bulgy on the body as well with wrinkles in all the wrong places. And then there the bandolero type straps that accentuate her boobies and make them very very prominent. It's just...NO.
• Sam: ZZZZZZZZZZZZ. It would have been a cute dress that reminds you of the dress that Mondo made and lost with in his season. It has the same front print panel with the solid sides. A more generic neckline. And weird sleeves that don't belong with this style of dress. It's not a power outfit for work. And its too somber for play. Maybe as a late afternoon yacht club party? I dunno. I have nothing against this dress, except for the sleeves.

Team Nick

• Oscar: It's a pageant gown. A very nice pageant gown. But, a pageant gown. Green isn't her color. Its not really fashion, but it is what she wanted.

Team Anya

• Blake: What? I don't know. He makes his skinny girl look pregnant. The dress looks like a hippy craft session where paint got over a crappy dress purchased from Goodwill...or possibly made out of curtains from a kindergarten art studio. I don't even now. It's terrible. 
• Shan: Clear winner. It's not perfect. I mean, boy had like 2 hours to make this dress. But, it's the only happy dress of this whole lot. It's summery, fun, flirty, young modern. Clear winner.

So, judging goes as expected, though everybody was a bit gentler on the outfits than they deserved because you don't want to make your fan clients cry. Do you? No, of course you don't. Shan wins because...there's no other option for a winner. Blake goes home because...who the hell is he again?

Stray Observations

• Yes, Oscar. Your model will look very tall when you have her in 12" heels. ZOMG, did you see the heels she's wearing? They're ridiculous! They make me scared to even think about tottering around in such foolish contraptions.
• I like how Anya writes down a quote from Nelson Mandela: "It always seems impossible until its done." I didn't know she was a quote queen. I would have liked more of that earlier in the season. 

Under the Gunn S1 E10: Crossing Teams

If there's one thing we've learned from our years of Project Runway, it's that being a wallflower gets you nowhere. While being a complete and utter jerk doesn't necessarily insure you the win, at least egotism and confidence get you noticed and sometimes a begrudging respect. But, being a pushover with no confidence will get you kicked off the show. I still remember that one season where that one designer said "I should go home" and Heidi was all "You need more confidence in order to survive. You killed yourself by saying you shouldn't stay. Auf Weidersehen."

This lesson gets reinforced time and again, and, spoiler alert, it will be reinforced this week on Under the Gunn. This is also going to be the first time where the mentors are not the primary focus of the episode, creating a story where we finally get to see how the designers work together and how they work in general.

As we open the episode this week, everybody is passive-aggressively bitching about Natalia in front of her, without mentioning her name. Blake: "I miss Michelle. How does it feel to be the top two girls?" "It's another chance to get to prove who we are." *crickets* *Asha sideways glares at Natalia*

Asha, getting the villain edit while wearing a shirt that tackily says "Ohio Against The World," openly bitches about Natalia in asides, constantly throughout the episode. Even before we've made it to the challenge, the editors have inserted Asha's bitchiness, and don't let it up. She must have gone in to the confessional booth 300 times throughout the day to bitch about Natalia again and again. 

This week's challenge is the mini-collection team challenge, to create a spring collection inspired by an over-expensive boho women's clothing store that's found in malls everywhere, Francesca's. They also have the accessory wall. This week's teams are Oscar and Shen (finished + stylish), Blake and Sam (tailored + young), and Asha and Natalia (future + current). All three of these teams might stylistically add up to amazing mini-collections if they can figure out how to work together.

The editors, however, have already foretold that Asha isn't willing to work with Natalia. Nor is Mondo willing to work with Asha or Nick. By the time we hit Mood for fabric selection, even Tim seems to be ready to oppress Natalia out of the series. Later, both Shen and Sam have asides claiming they used to not respect Natalia, but they've come around. But, really...who cares since they aren't teamed with her.

The other two teams work well with each other, with Blake and Sam realizing that you CAN elevate junior with some really good tailoring. Oscar realizes that he sometimes needs some really good editing and Shen can bring a milder eye to Oscar's overdesigning. Both teams collaborate well during sketching, and during Mood.

On the other hand, Asha and Natalia are fighting in Francesca's. They continue fighting in Mood. Asha has decided on a color palette that she hasn't shared/confirmed with Natalia. Asha picks out a whole litany of fabrics, but doesn't fill in Natalia with her overall story. Asha chooses a bunch of fabrics, and runs the team overbudget if they included any of Natalia's fabrics. They can't agree on anything either, because Asha chooses some really fucking awful fabrics. Asha and Tim steamroll over Natalia where she can't get her fabric. When they get to the work room, Natalia wants to cut little swatches of the fabric in order to create a color story, and Asha refuses to let her because she doesn't work like that. It's really brutal how easily Asha's ego and pre-determined hatred for Natalia overpowers Natalia's wallflower nature and lack of confidence. The part that makes me really want to slap Asha is when people comment on her misery and she grins and passive-aggressively says "being positive" when she's being anything but. Her attitude is as tacky, cheap, and fake as her stupid t-shirt.

By the time we get to the mentor critiques, where the three designers come critique the teams in pairs, based on their designers. They stay with their team members. Nick and Anya work well together because Oscar and Shen are really lost at first with some good seedlings that have been lost in an incoherent collection of mundane design. Mondo and Anya critique well because Mondo likes Blake, and Anya is a terrible critic though she knows good criticism. 

But, Nick and Mondo have the same dynamic that Natalia and Asha have. Mondo hates Nick, and he also hates Natalia. He bowls over both Nick and Natalia in order to undermine Natalia and put the onus on her not to be critical of Asha. He also takes time out to say "you need to edit, but I love this Moroccan thing you've got going" in Asha's really awful fabric pairing that will become a dashiki. At this point, Natalia starts designing not to save herself, but to keep Asha from being out. "This isn't about me. This is about a team challenge." Ego, this girl does not have. 

During the final day run-up, Blake and Sam are given some sort of pseudo drama that they have to finish a dress in 2 hours, but they're really good at finishing anyways. The audience really knows that the big trouble team is Asha and Natalia. Asha asks Natalia to do some finishing on her crappy dashiki, just so she can freak out on the runway about how Natalia fucked up her awful thing, and says as much when Mondo comes by. 

*Deep Breaths* It's runway time. The guest judge this week is Sei Jin, from Francesca's. The winning design will be sold at Francesca's, and the designers will win $5,000 for that design. 

Shen and Oscar: Their collection ages a little from 14-year-old to late 20s as it goes on. I wasn't as gaga over it as the judges, though it is solid. Also, the maxi dress fits Francesca's but it isn't quite in the same story as the other two outfits.

• Design 1: OMG, CUTE! Up close and personal, the overalls seemed rather heavy, but from afar the overall shorts are totally junior cute. which is a bit too young for Francesca's. But, it's well done and the removable overalls are nifty.
• Design 2: I love the blazer from the front. But, from the back the cutout looks really saggy. I don't get the love because it kind of looks like somebody slashed the jacket. The pieces underneath the jacket, the bright orange knit things are also so hidden by the jacket that they don't get any time to shine, even though they are kind of brilliant on their own.
• Design 3: It's a maxi dress with pockets. It's stunning, but we've all seen it so many times that it was dependent on its great print.

Asha and Natalia: It's a tortured collection of terrible fabrics, unnecessary 60s retro, and terrible finishing. None of this is what I would expect from either Asha or Natalia on their own. Asha is normally future slut, while Natalia is normally more modern and innovative. That they created such a bad collection of Woodstock-inspired kitsch is telling of how they worked together.

• Design 1: Natalia look. The skirt is cute. The back is cute. The front is abhorable. It's a simple design with none of Natlia's usual innovation, so her lack of finishing skills comes back to haunt her when she creates something so simplistic. The skirt is so interesting (why pleats?!) and the back straps are fantastic, but the front bust is about as crushed and steamrolled as Natalia.
• Design 2: God, I hate this look. I hate everything about it. The dashiki is made up of awful felt fabrics, the turquoise doesn't match the brown and the gold, and everything about it is just pure tacky. It's just hideous. I just...I just can't.
• Design 3: Costume. OMG, does anybody actually wear this anymore? It is pure Woodstock. I haven't seen anybody in this look in decades. 60s aren't revivalist right now. The skirt, however, is interesting with it's belly strap and cutouts. But, it's in service of a look that's so dated it makes me scream.

Sam and Blake: Modern, youthful, and kind of tailored. This is what I expected their ollection to look like. It's kind of expected, and doesn't fit in too well with Francesca's (probably the least compatible of the three collections), but it is within their aesthetic without straying too far from the challenge. It's finished well as well.

• Design 1: Trendy, young, fabric. It's not junior, but perfect for that woman who wants to look 22. I love the top especially with the strong  red in the back.
• Design 2: Modern and boho casual. This feels like what Asha's design 3 was trying to be. It's an updated version of the overtly 60s crop top with harem pants replacing the skirt making it far more casual.
• Design 3: It's a nice semi-evening outfit. The asymmetrical top is interesting, but I can't see many girls wearing it. The skirt is a nice skirt. 

The judging is basically everything that you can see on the runway with your own two eyes. Strangely, Sei Jin takes up Shen's jacket instead of his overalls, and not so strangely also picks up Oscar's maxi dress with pockets because it is a totally expected window piece. 

But, the worst part is what happens between Asha and Natalia. When asked who should go home, Asha doesn't want to be the first to bitch out Natalia in order to make herself not seem like a bitch. But, Natalia doesn't have the ego or confidence to throw Asha under the bus where she belongs for that fucking awful dashiki. Instead, Asha works herself up to tears in order to say how much she wants it and tears tears tears. It's totally fake. Natalia, on the other hand, starts tearing up and throws herself under the bus, saying that she doesn't want Asha to go home because of Natalia. Which, ugh. Natalia's inability to stand up for herself and her lack of confidence was, ultimately, her undoing and she goes home.

Random Observations:

• Sam's comment of "isn't that a dress that every girl already has?" makes for an awesome friendly bitchy session that Under the Gunn has seriously been lacking in. It's gay camaraderie at its finest...wait, Shen is married with kids?  Still doubtful...
• When Tim comes in to say that the designers have an extra hour to finish their outfits, Oscar's look of "what the hell? Come on! I've been finished for hours already!" is hilarious
• Can we see the hair stylist lead make out with Handlebar Moustache Guy? Can they have their own series? Shirtless Stylists! I'd watch.
• Nick really likes saying "Easy Breezy [random third verb]." It's like a drinking game. If he references Cover Girl's tagline, finish the bottle of wine.
• Apologies for being so late on this week's posting. I had it all written out, and had clicked save instead of publish. YAY late night writing! LOL  Tomorrow's should be published in a more timely fashion.

Under the Gunn S1 E9: "Trouble in the Lounge"

You know you're in for a Very Special Episode when the title of the episode doesn't even reference the challenge. With a title like Trouble in the Lounge, one might think that we're going to some sort of bad girl bar, and the challenge is to make evening lounge wear that borders slutty. Or, maybe a biker leather challenge. But, really, today's challenge has nothing to do with trouble, and it would have to be a fancy lounge.

Yes, dear readers, this is a huge drama episode. And, it actually centers around a designer. We're also back to a Nick-heavy episode. But, surprisingly, it isn't a Nick vs Designer episode. So, it's a new formula!  We're all about new forms of storytelling within the given formula here, as long as it works.

But I get ahead of myself. Thanks episode title. The challenge this week is the periodic day to evening outfit. The outfit has to transform on the runway, in front of the judges. It's all because ladies are fickle as all hell women like choices. If you expect them to be able to choose between scents to decorate their house, how do you expect them to commit to a look for day and evening? I keed. Everybody knows that it is really convenient to go from the office straight to dinner to the theater when you get off work at 5, the theater starts at 7, and your home is an hour (round trip) out of the way.

The designers start sketching, and as they start sketching EVERYBODY starts bitching. Bitching about who? They're all bitching about Natalia. In case you don't remember, last week Natalia had that really interesting weaving thing, while both Michelle and Stephanie (the bottom two) had neon plastic things, where the former was trashy 80s acid raver, and the latter was so completely unfinished. I guess people liked Stephanie over Natalia, on a personal level. Suddenly, all the other designers (except Oscar), and both Mondo and Anya start to gang up against Natalia. They're bitching because they thing that Nick is giving Natalia far too much help and is way too handsy.

Mind you, Nick opens the episode by reinforcing everybody else's opinions. He starts by giving tips and ideas to both Oscar and Natalia, and also spending extra time with Natalia to help her through her emotional battles. The editors chose to make a victim narrative out of Natalia for this episode from the first frame. To me, it seemed to come out of nowhere, but maybe I'm missing something. Natalia seems like a frenetic girl but she doesn't seem mean to anybody. If we're making a hard working but emotional person who doesn't sabotage anybody else into either a victim or a villain, you know we're stretching for plot.

Of course, Natalia breaks down by the first break, in part because the editor has edited all of the people to be angry at her. If you know anything about microaggressions, they do add up. But, they add up especially if 85% of the people in your area are angry at you because they felt you should have gone home.

This is also a Nick's Growth episode that seems like a repeat storyline. Early in the episode he's telling Oscar to make a shirt dress with snaps and how to make it transform. But, by the end of the episode (at least in front of Tim), he's asking the designers to edit themselves. Didn't he already have this revelation? Hasn't he said "OMG, I should really trust my designers?" Namely, in the team episode. How many times can he have this revelation??

Anyways, we actually get some comparison with both Mondo and Anya. Both of them are attempting to disengage from the designers, and not tell their designers that their ideas are shit. They haven't quite figured out how to critique ideas constructively. Anya's critiques are "You might want to reconsider the pants." Or "This would look really boring in black." Mondo's critiques are "finish it off. Super clean." "Back up a little and just let it be more organic." Instead of challenging their designer's concepts, several of which are extremely hideous, they're content to just give tips on finishing. And, in Mondo's case, moral support.

They don't pull a Joanna Coles and say "this outfit is going to look like its a 70s throwback." Or, "That first silhouette looks like a sack and the second look looks like a straitjacket." Even on day 2, when Shan has a too wide cummerbund wraparound, Anya asks "what can we do about that?" without actually making a comment as to why it looks so bad.

There has to be a balance. I know that you're supposed to be playing team captain, but you need to be really really critical sometimes when the designers are going down a wrong road. This is part of being a good leader. Knowing when to encourage, and when you need to yank the wheel to the left.

Through many tears and indifferences, we actually make it to the runway, somehow. Today's special guest is Macklemore...who...ugh. Yeah, yeah, I know...he made a song about gay marriage that was radio friendly and blah blah blah, but I have strong negative fee fees about him that don't belong here. And, why can't we ever get Ryan Lewis? He seems to be the less douchey of the two.

Team Anya

• Shen: The whole outfit and idea is simple but cute. However, that cummerbund seems slightly off in its proportions, in part because I really don't like that fabric. My mom used to have suits like that in the 90s, which I guess are coming back in, but it never was a good fabric. For the night look, I can't tell if the cummerbund comes completely off or if it ties back around. Imagine having a big ol bump of fabric lumped in your back if you're sitting in a theater?  Maybe it's not that bad. But, I loved the zipper skirt idea. Suggested criticism: "That fabric is recalling Talbot from the 90s, use sparingly."
• Blake: This is so 70s, when we're all about reclaiming the 90s (I think? Are we still in the 80s?). Anyways, the bell bottom pants are recockulous in how exagerrated the bottoms are. Then, for night time, the model keeps the super long vest which went kind of well with the pants, but now re-emphasizes how short the cocktail dress is. And, really, that's the problem with his concept in the first place. To have a cocktail's dress worth of fabric in your pants, you'd have to be shoving fabric half way down your legs! It's a good idea that is impossible to do. It would have been better with a longer shirt and a pencil skirt. Suggested criticism: "Your dress is skewing 70s with the bell bottom and the fabric choices. Update for the '10s."

Team Nick

• Natalia: The first look is nice and winter warm for a cold day at the office, especially for some of you people who really like their areas cranked up into the 80s and 90s in the middle of winter. This looks nice and cozy warm for that cold office that you have to heat with a space heater. The finishing of how the knit wool lays on the dress is unfinished, but not in a distracting way. That the knit turns into a handbag (WHAT?!) is strange and bizarre and I'd love it, except where does she put her other purse? And, does her new purse actually hold anything? The dress beneath is kind of off-the-rack but its also fresh and sporty.
• Oscar: I dunno you guys. I kind of don't like this look. The two front slits for the daytime are a bit trampy high for office wear. And, with the black cape, the outfit is rather boring. But, when she flips the cape, all of a sudden its really trashy Real Housewives ugly.

Team Mondo

• Asha: No. The extra padding on the jacket adds like 30 pounds to a woman's body, and made this super thin model look pregnant. It's asymmetrical, and unbalanced. And, it serves no purpose as the jacket doesn't turn inside out or do any weird tricks. The skirt is OK in the day, but when it flips for night, (which is the only transformation that I can tell), it looks like she hiked her skirt up to use the bathroom and her slip is on the outside. Suggested criticism: "What's with all this extra padding? You made a model look pregnant. Do you know how hard that is??"
• Michelle: The daytime look seems like it was inspired by California beachwear, except in a drab palette. It's like a sad grey sack from the front with a brown poopy back. But then the even look is worse since she creates a pseudo harness with these pieces of fabric and string that hang down, making it look like she's got her sweatshirt tied around her waist. It completely doesn't work from either perspective. Suggested criticism: "That's a snoozefest. Do something to liven it up because your color selection needs help."
• Sam: I really love the evening dress because it is so easy and fresh. But, the daytime jacket makes it seem like she's wearing a smock, and I can't get over how high on the collar and boxy it is. Plus, the colors clash. Suggested criticism: "That looks like a smock."

In the end, Michelle goes home because we needed to even out the teams (cynical much?). Oscar wins because...I don't know. Today's runway was kind of full of ugly today. We've had much much better day to evening transformation challenges, and this was kind of an all around fail. 

The episode doesn't end there! After the judging, everybody is bitter that Natalia not only didn't lose, but was in the top. They think that Nick was helping too much, and it has been too late in the game. While I tend to agree with this reasoning, the problem is that the judges (except for Tim) don't actually see this work manipulation process. In the end, it just comes off like really bitter sour grapes.

Stray observations:

• Mondo's hair shirt is back. Yay?
• What the hell is up with Mondo's appropriation of the late 80s hip hop style with the cap, chunky gold chain and sweater?  I guess that it isn't being used at the moment, but its so fucking hipster and crass, it makes me want to slap him silly. It seems fitting that Mondo's appropriation trumped Macklemore's.
• Speaking of Macklemore, he really didn't have much to add this episode, did he?
• The way Mondo and Anya ganged up on Nick was really patently unfair. Saying "I think your designer sucks" is not a valid criticism. Sorry, assholes. Then, mocking him for saying your attitude sucks just adds to your mean girls attitude. Blah. I wonder if the producers pushed them into it because it seems rather unlike Mondo otherwise.